Stuck in Stink

If I get stuck in the stink, it serves no good purpose.

Lysa TurKeurst, Craving God Devo

Sometimes I wonder how much I differ from a pig rolling back and forth in a pigsty. Roll one way, then another, each time covering a different section of myself with some more mess.

I let the mess stick and ignore it while it hardens, making it harder to remove.

My stink widely varies and changes. Lack of discipline. Bad attitude. Impatience. Discontent. Greed. Disobedience. Discouragement.

But stink is stink. And when I wallow, I let it settle and cause disconnection and harm.

Some stink can be more detrimental than others-but I guess that also depends on the depth and the time we allow to ignore the real problem. Even the most simple of issues, if left unresolved, can grow to intensely harden our hearts and perspective.

I so despise when I feel stinky.

When I'm in a state of defeat in motherhood. When our day has been full of whining, disciplining and irritation. When I'm frustrated to be in the exact spot and opportunity I cried and longed for during working out of the home full time. When I can't see past the fog of an off day. When I allow Satan to harp on all the negative. Like, all.of.it..and magnify it.

When I let my stink settle. When I sit amongst it and welcome its company. That is when I am letting Satan kill, steal, and destroy.

He is killing my joy. He is stealing opportunities. He is destroying my outlook.

As a fly is drawn to the yuck, so is Satan is to our defeat--to our stink.

Why in the world do I let it linger? Why do I bask in the sun with it, letting it harden over me?

Being in-between homes has brought up some stink I don't think I've entirely dealt with before. We normally live pretty simple. Nothing fancy, but definitely lucky to be stable.

Yet greed creeps in and stinks up my heart, adding discontent to it's party. Wanting more or wishing over the budget. Losing focus and gratitude.

That stink-if I leave it, will forever leave me discontent. Nothing will be good enough. No one, or nothing, will fully satisfy.

So, I have been working again and again on it. I hope to continue to improve and be faster to realign, but I still fall back in unrealistic desires easier than I'd like to admit.

If...well, let's make that when...I have struggles with the above, once I wise up and bring it to the surface I often realize how quick I am to idolize or prioritize over God. It never works, it always fails, and it always reeks.

I'm tired of stinking. When I start to notice a stench, when I realize I've let the dirt layer up and harden, when I've allowed Satan to harp on negatives--it's time to rinse, bathe, and repeat.

Rinse off in grace and forgiveness. Bathe in God's truth and love. And repeat.

So, what's your stink?

Will.

The best thing we can do is to position our hearts in a place where we can experience God.

On rough days stand on what you know to be true instead of being whisked away in a sea of emotions.

Feelings can indicated there is a situation we need to deal with, but they should not dictate how we react.

What we feel is anger, frustration, betrayal, confusion, addiction, hopelessness...what we need is self control. We are not slaves to our feelings-we have a choice.

Choose to be self controlled. Recognize the true enemy. Humbly let God lead.

Crave God, not things of this world.

_Craving God 60 Day Devotional by Lysa TerKeurst_

We are prone to follow our own will.

Prone : likely to or liable to suffer from, experience something-typically something regrettable or unwelcome; lying flat, especially face downward; downward slope or direction.

Lying downward, on a downward slope, suffer and regret. Seems fitting.

Because our personal desires are of a selfish nature, to have success in our relationships-no matter the level of magnitude-it isn't in our best interest to lead.

That speaks volumes to some, and not to others. It means a higher degree of discipline to one, and to another minor adjustments throughout their days.

For me, it's constant.

To shift the focus off of self in my marriage I have to often set aside my frustrations, stubbornness to how I would have handled something, let go of unrealistic expectations and at times, especially in this stage for us, choose love and grace, and pray over passion and connection amongst the busy.

Oddly enough, similar to marriage is my parenting. Like...really similar. Passion and connection are still there, just under a different definition. It's easy to lose that amongst the neediness and fits...not that my kiddos ever throw fits or anything.

So. What does it look like to follow God's will for us?

'Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is Gods will for you in Christ Jesus.' 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

For this is Gods will for you.

Be joyful. Intentionally look around for measures of joy in each day; joy is a choice we make, not a feeling we hope to get from our circumstances.

Be prayerful. Focus your thoughts, struggles, confusion, etc. on God through prayer.

Be thankful. Gods activity can be seen much more readily when we focus on what we do have rather than what we don't.

Everyone has different views. Different opinions. I know not everyone will agree. But I wouldn't be true to my faith if I didn't stand by it.

TerKeurst is to credit majority of the words above. Through reading her words, I feel God aiming at and building me up each day in areas of struggle-either known or unknown at the time.

We need to challenge ourselves to rise above the norm. Not let our feelings lead us. Show self control in areas where it's too often dismissed. Align ourselves in faith and love-but not disregard truth.

These days to come we may feel defeated and hopeless. The days ahead are unknown. Yet Gods promise is, and has been, well known. Let it be well known and true for you.

Because she chose

About eleven years ago I had an argument with my mom. I was up in Manhattan in a small, private room at our dorm. To put my one college semester experience into perspective, this was the only time I had been in this quiet room meant for studying...

I cannot remember how this phone call came about, what the topic may have been hovering over, or how we got to this point in our conversation, but I can specifically remember the feeling that went with it.

The blanket feeling was that I was basically arguing with her because she held so tight to her faith and wouldn't let it go, even a little, to find some common ground on things of difference between us. I was beyond irritated that she would not just reason with me.

I felt betrayed. She was choosing God and her beliefs over supporting me and mine.

I couldn't even tell you what grounds of 'belief' I stood on besides a broken motto of this is my life and I'll do as I please, with who I please, when I please.

Flash forward nine and a half years.

I hit a low about four to six months after having Reid. Post partum, balancing two kids, navigating being home and working part time-I tried, but failed to be successful in that and my marriage. I found myself, actually my husband found me, crying in a corner between our bed and a wall. I couldn't put my finger on just one upsetting issue, but had a multitude of areas of discontent and an overall sense of loss. Knowing darn well we had our family's health and happiness all in line, but I couldn't shake it.

One more flash forward, a year and a half more, to current.

God. is. GOOD. I mean GOOD, people. I would love to sit and go over what He has done in our life the past year and a half. Since I stopped focusing on my own desires and worked on aligning myself with Him and His purpose for me. Since we, as a husband and wife, decided to devote our time-our lives-to God. Since we took our relationship with God further than the Sunday feel better sit and get.

He has been at work. Werk, werk, werk, werk, werk, werk. Let God the Father werk, werk, werk, werk, werk, werk.

But. Seriously. God has given us growth, determination, and perseverance above that of our own.  

I know I've said it before, but it reigns true to our walk with Christ, so I say it again; we are in a constant check and balance. But ya'll, we're checking and thankfully sweet Jesus is balancing.

This topic and personal story has run around my head for a few days. Over those few days I read three things that propelled me to share.

'If he (Satan) can't ensnare us then he'll try to scare us.' Entrusted study by Beth Moore

'The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.' John 10:10, Jesus speaking

'Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy...The grace of our Lord was poured out abundantly...Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners-of whom I am the worst.' 1 Timothy 3:8, letter from Paul

People. Paul, previously called Saul, went from spending his days persecuting anyone and everyone who followed Jesus to preaching and growing disciples in the gospel of Christ.

When you choose to rebuke the destruction Satan tries to line up for us and allow yourself to see God through everything-I mean, everything-minute or catastrophic, you will see God do more than you could even have imaged possible. In ways that you couldn't have planned. In ways completely opposite than you had planned, yet looking back for the better.

Satan may have gotten his fair share of my life for many years. Leading me with lies as I foolishly followed. That confrontation eleven years ago now makes me cry. Many of my harsh words, wrongful actions, bad memories make my stomach flip.

I was so dumb. I acted a fool. Spoke a fool. Was a fool.

I am beyond admirable of my moms strength in her faith to take the stand she did. Oh, how my heart will ache if I have to be put in that position with one of my own children.

The years that have taken me from the day of wanting my mom to adjust her faith for me to now preparing myself to be just as sincere in my own walk with God were not filled with sunshine and lollipops. As much as I wish I could take back some of those decisions or actions, my story and conviction are greater because of it. All of it-the good, the bad, the ugly.

Now, as I grow in my faith, I grow in my confidence to stand against persecution and to follow God's word, so that I may 'fight the good fight, holding on to faith and a good conscience.'
1 Timothy 3:8

Now vs Most

After going through a sermon series with Life Church called I Choose, one keeps ringing a bell in my ear.

I choose...Discipline over Regret

What do you want most and what do you need to do now to achieve what you want most?

Seems pretty #duh. But since I've listened to that I've literally said to myself, 'now or most?', multiple times already and it's been just over a week.

I've noticed it when it's come to eating. I've wanted multiple times in the now to grab a drive through meal for convenience, but have thought now or most? Mostly-I don't want the workouts I do to be undone that quick-because of one bad meal choice that could have been easily avoided. I don't want excuses of being busy to make me unhealthy. And I don't want to lead my boys in a bad example of indulging just because you can or that it brings a false sense of freedom or contentment.

I've noticed it in our moving process. Now? I want to sit my bum on the couch and watch a show, but more likely doze off. Mostly I want this moving day to go as smoothly as possible and with most any event, that means the now has to be filled with getting the check list items done and pre-organizing. So. Get up, play some music and get to it.

In our boys. I hear Caden yelling at Reid. Now? I want to yell at him to get his attention as the day has shown his hearing is conveniently turned off when I speak. I want to act out of anger and frustration when even yelling doesn't work. What I need to do most is dig deeper to his acting out, and try to redirect that. Show him my patience to not act in frustration, or yell, and let him learn by example.  Unfortunately parenting doesn't work with a do what I say, not what I do motto. Exact opposite.

In our future. Mostly, I want the home I've imagined, be responsible in the humbling help we've had to be debt free, I want to do it right. The now me wants to look at houses and react when I see one I like. I want to rush to get where I long for us to be.

But, to get to my most, I need to now see how quickly God has gotten us from listing our home to moving. We now need to pay off the last hospital bill we have on Reid to have nothing hanging over our heads. Need to schedule and plan expenses that would normally be a setback outside of this situation. Need to build up what is necessary to move once more and not end up over our heads.

Do you see. In more areas of life than not, in more situations we are up against than not, we can choose to act on what would bring us satisfaction now-but overall compromise what we desire most-OR...or, we can take a different route for the now, and aim higher at achieving what we desire most.

 

Choosing discipline over regret.

You win some, you lose some.

You'll choose the unhealthy food, because #yolo. It won't be the end of the world.

You'll lose your temper and yell instead of counting to ten and showing patience. You have the next reaction to choose different.

You'll make an impulse buy instead of save. You'll cause a setback, not bankruptcy.

No excuses. No outs. No reasons to slack. But also, no saying you are only going to get it right from here on out. No saying you'll be perfect. No saying you'll eat all the right things, react all the right ways, and make all the best life decisions for the rest of your days.

We're human, ya'll. We're dumb. To err is human wasn't said just for shiz and giggles.

But. I'll be damned if I don't try. Each day. Give my self grace. Give myself reassurance. Give myself goals, and don't let others or myself get in the way of them.

Not on my own. Not my own will. I choose to ask for more strength than my own, so I can live through discipline and not in regret.

When I rise, give me Jesus. When I fall, give me some more Jesus, please.

Declutter

We decided to put our house on the market. Which meant going closet by closet, room by room and going through all the extra junk we have stored up. Some to be tossed, some that has no purpose for a good while and could be stored away to clear up space for current needs--no matter it's significance it was all clutter.

Odds and ins, necessities or not, all too much for the space that housed it.

With each spot cleaned out, with each box filled for storage or trash pile made, the realization of unknown clutter that we had hidden throughout our home sank in deeper and deeper .

The additional space this brought was refreshing. The feeling of not having unnecessary items lying around is peaceful.

Once in a blue moon when I was in high school I would get tired of the walking path that lead from my bed to my door and desired more out of the room I had. So, I would organize--which back then likely meant wash all clean or dirty clothes scattered all over the floor because who knew what was what by that point. And I can specifically remember the feeling of laying down to sleep in that nice, spacious, clean room and feeling a sense of relief and satisfaction.

Same with my car. I remember my friend and I cleaning our cars out together and being so proud after. Yet weeks later all progress being undone and forgotten about.

So why didn't I keep it up? Should I blame my sister that I wanted to be like-because that seems like a legit crutch. But no. Likely, pure laziness and lack of respect for my space or items.

And now, it's not that I don't respect the space that we have or feel lazy about it...not always at least. Well, maybe I do. Unknowingly, maybe so.

And unfortunately, until we've cleared out the junk and can see the difference of clutter vs clean, we don't even realize the mess we've made. We don't even realize the opportunity towards a positive when we're comfortable in the clutter.

You see where I'm going here....

Aside from obvious physical clutter, where else are we hoarding too much? It doesn't have to even be at the state of overflowing and spilling out. Those are obvious moments. When something simple and meaningless sets off the waterworks--obvious signs of overflow.

But it's where you don't even realize it. Where you're somewhat comfortable sitting and living amongst it. Just dealing with the excess and growing accustom to navigating with less space mentally and physically.

Well, seeing the difference just recently, I say forget that.

Maybe it will mean I have to take time weekly to declutter myself. Which likely means bi-weekly...or-as reality may have it-monthly.

Going through and seeing where I've cluttered my life. Where have I cluttered my marriage with unnecessary worries, fights, struggles? Where have I cluttered my parenting with overthinking, too high expectations, overly busy schedules? Where I have I cluttered my spiritual relationship with excuses, pride, and selfishness?

Declutter. Reorganize. Return once again to feel that refreshing peace of not living amongst more than what the space can hold-physically or mentally.