'If I should speak then let it be of the grace that is greater than all my sin'

I want to attempt a late year resolution. A blog a week. And not that of a photo dump for mainly my own benefit of one day sending these off to a blog to print and wam.bam. scrapbook via 21st century done. Those need to still happen, but I want this to be mostly words, ideas, experiences, thoughts of my own, of my story and current life. I am not a perfectionist when it comes to writing, but the idea has been playing back and forth in my mind for a while and as the house is quiet with sleeping minions I finally sit here and being my virtual journey.

So. Let's start from the beginning. Big Daddy Weave puts it perfectly in his song 'My Story'.

'If I told you my story

you would hear hope that wouldn't let go

...to tell you my story is to tell of Him'

Moved to tears. Every time I hear this song. I have been foolish and broken. I have been in the wrong and blind to see it, too selfish to acknowledge it. I have been lost and depressed. I have tried to grip at the things of this world and make them my hope and joy. I have tried to live for the party and the lust that our world sells as fun and fulfilling.

But ya'll. I have also said no more. I have also seen the beauty that God can bring through redemption. I have experienced His grace and forgiveness.

I have felt His tug at my heart to share. I have felt my own resistance battling if this worlds media outlet is too much. Am I to put my personal self and family out there for anyone to see and pry at? I want to say no and stay in my shell and know my story for myself, or for personal friends and family. But, tug after tug here I am.

I believe that God doesn't ask us to sit in a corner with our story but to stand tall and strong in the journey and path that we have taken and share the hope that He has given throughout all the good and bad.

As I was a child I clashed into a situation that led to confusion towards sexual impurities. As if being a child in this world wouldn't lead to it's own handful of confusions for this, my story had a helping push. Luckily it was a simple and physically unharming push. But unluckily any push is a push and in our lovely world the last thing any child needs is a push into that mess.

Anger then ensued in my childhood. I've blocked so much younger times out, but I also feel like I remember being able to light up a room, yet the same evening cry myself to sleep feeling helpless, confused and alone.

We were raised in the church. That was something that I fell into and stayed involved with up to high school. Yet what I failed to do was find my own personal relationship with God. I did, and still do, find so much connection through worship, but outside of the power I find in worship the mind games start. It's so easy to find myself fumbling on questions or doubts. So, that is what I did.

My first fumble was with vodka and code red mountain dew. It was gross. I was caught immediately as it was obvious once I returned home and hard to miss as I bonded with the toilet that night making it pretty indisputable. I should have taken note of my weak stomach after my first rendezvous but no...not me. I insisted on replaying that scene over and over for about six years.

There is laughter and fun memories built amongst that time, but do you think that's what I replay the most in my mind? Not one bit. I replay the feeling of chasing after the drinks in search of fun, acceptance, fulfillment. I replay the tears after foolishly giving a piece of me away, robbing myself and my marriage of that priceless gift. I replay feeling unloved after a breakup and searching so long and hard to fill that gap in all the wrong places.

Now here I am.

Typing this here with my sweet boys sleeping as my patient, loving husband is at school teaching. In our humble home that fits us perfectly. With the opportunity to work part time from home and be here raising our boys-for the good days and the bad days. Not looking to false love for happiness, because finally I caved to see the bigger picture and allowed God in to show me His true love, peace, and grace.

I am here. I am fighting to draw closer to God and to know Him in ways I never took the time to before. In ways that I should have, to save myself from all that destruction. Yet, grateful that I am here to have my story and show first hand the power of God's grace and how it has in turn placed in me the strength I need to fight off the things of this world that lead to false hope, false joy, false happiness.

I am tired of living in a way just to disappoint myself time and time again.

My boys deserve more than that. My husband deserves more than that. I deserve more than that.

God did not allow me to walk off and turn my back for no reason. Here I am now, at a place I have never truly been before. Taking the time to see God. To know God. To keep connected and grow close to God.

I struggle with discontentment, I struggle with selfishness, cursing, jealousy, unnamed sadness, lack of confidence, self doubt. So many things that are personal to me-my personality, my story-and some that I think are across the board struggles that women and humans alike have because, well, we are human. And sometimes we just suck. Sometimes we just struggle. And most of the time we just can't seem to get it right.

At least we're not alone. Not on our own. That is what I have come to realize and that is what I am fighting for.

So. In this new chapter I aim to draw hope, strength, and joy from God and not from myself or the things of this world. Not from my family, friends, or possessions. It's a daily check and balance for me.

But I am not here by mistake. I have not taken the path I did to get here by mistake. Because, as Big Daddy Weave so greatly put it...

'If I told you my story you would hear victory over the enemy. If I told you my story you would hear freedom that was won for me. If I told you my story you would hear life overcome the grave.'

And I believe God can use me, my story, my stupidity for his good. I pray that He does. That He gives me the courage and humility to do so.

A blog a week. My story to be out there. My imperfections. My fails. My steps to draw closer to God. My fight to better myself personally, in marriage, as a mother. MY LIFE.

If it can make one person smile or not feel alone then I will file this as a success and thank God for the tug. If not, we'll chop this up to a big misunderstanding and pretend it never happened.

Out with the old. In with the new. Cheers to new beginnings.

10 Months

Reid, you are so fun and curious. Always on the go, changing you is a battle in itself and set you down for a minute and who knows where you'll end up. Actually, we know you'll aim for the bathroom and bathtub or Caden's room; those are usually your go-to spots. What is new in your world? Besides breaking my heart a bit by being so close to one…seriously, how is that happening already….

 

-You still only have two teeth

-You haven't been sleeping as well, but the last two months have been harder for you and you've been through a lot, so just recently took you to a chiropractor for a consult and got a slight 'adjustment', which was just a series of pressure points along your back area, focusing on your lower back. I am not a huge chiro person, but this gal made me feel very comfortable and secure with how she works so we went ahead with that adjustment. Sure enough, that afternoon you took the best, real crib nap ever and since then have slept pretty decently. You were just waking up upset, and then would get even more upset when we soothed you to sleep but tried to lay you down again. A little tough love and maybe some of this outside help to help both you and us to get some better sleep.

-You weigh 18 lbs and are a healthy little goober

-You love baths. It is a guarantee to make you a happy guy and you just splash, splash, splash! It's so funny to see how excited you get and let that cute smile out while playing in there. We can go in and get the water going, get Caden started and sure enough you show up shortly after rounding the corner wanting to join the party!

-You love the little biscuit treats and have taken pretty well to your sippy cup. Only two more months of bottles so trying to get you used to it a little before making the big transition to just cups and milk.

 

can barely get you to sit still during pictures anymore!

 

Really, the last month hasn't changed too much for you, getting bigger and keeping up with your brother more easily but otherwise no new teeth, no new tricks just yet-your personality continues to shine through and I cannot put into words how much we love you and how great of an addition to our family you are. It was hard for me to feel connected personality wise at first, because I was so used to Caden and knowing his personality, and didn't have as much one on one time in the beginning to really get to know you and you are showing qualities pretty opposite of big brother, which I think is great and perfect-makes it fun and a good mix, but that was just something I had to start over on learning you and who you are. And now, who you are shines through so much and we love it. You have a serious scowl, very observant, give a good belly laugh sometimes but we really have to work for it and will give us the cutest, closed smile and just for a short bit that cracks us up and melts my heart.

 

You and your brother are starting to form a relationship and it is just the best thing I witness as a mom to see the interactions that you both have. You LOVE being around Caden, and he loves being a good big brother to you. Even when you go after his toys he's been good at sharing and is good with my explanation that you are just curious and learning what everything is. More recently after his day at school he just loves on you so much and repeats over and over again 'I so wuv baby, mom. I so wuv him!' Melts my heart and I pray so hard over the relationship you boys will have.

 

 

You are the best little guy and we all love and adore you so much!

Nine Months

Reiders, today you are nine months old and to be honest I took me up until now, just after 4:00 pm, to realize it's your nine month mark. I've been thinking about it here and there recently but today has been a busy one and I finally put two and two together.

You have changed a lot over this last month, and especially so within the last week. Here's some things about nine month old Reid:

-You are crawling! You're a fast little sucker, and within the last few days are officially crawling. You would much rather stand still, and when first being put down you stiffen out your legs in protest, but seem to be pretty content once you are on the go.
-You're two bottom teeth have broken through. I haven't been able to get a picture of them yet, but they are there and your typical attempts at gnawing on our face have to be diverted because of those sharp little suckers
-You sleep well, and not so well. But, between teething, a new cold that's getting the best of you, and some surgery complications it's just been kind of a mess and we can't blame you. Overall you got back to sleeping until about 4/5, taking a bottle then back to sleep-but recently not so much. And naps, not so much either...eh, just depends on the day and night I guess.
-You definitely have some length to you. I think you'll be towering over your big brother before we know it once you're really up and going.
-You have had a heck of a time with little odd happenings since your surgery, but I must say-for the most part you have been a champ about it. You still screech cry, making it sound like someone's chopping off a limb rather than it's just the simple fact that you woke up from a nap....but otherwise you do okay with being pretty content.
-I say that, but then I digress when it comes to one of us walking into the room and you noticing us. It's kind of an out of sight, out of mind deal with you right now I think.
-Now that you are on the go, we're having to already tell you 'no' plenty of times for safety reasons-especially the tv stand. Caden didn't bug with that too much, I don't think, but you always go for it and almost anything else that you can go for that would help you stand up.

 

-You are already starting to take an interest into Cadens toys, especially the trains when they're moving, and it is cracking me up. He got a new set from Aunt Caryn and Uncle Doug, and instantly you crawled over and plucked up Thomas in curiosity, causing your brother to grunt and groan in frustration. It's funny-for now at least-thus starts the battle of the toys. He's been good and understanding when we tell him that you are just learning, but will ask us to 'move baby' when you get too close:)

You are a trooper for having kind of a rough last month-you are so curious and growing so fast. You are the best addition to our family we could ever have asked for and we love you so, so much. I can't believe we're just a few months away from you turning one. It really has gone by ridiculously fast and has been a whirlwind-I swear we were just bringing you home and starting this new chapter of change in many different areas and here we are, nine months in and getting ready for fall, then the holidays, which brings your birthday. Crazy, crazy, crazy.

You are the best. We love you-your brother loves you, and I cannot wait to see where life takes you and to see you grow up and what kind of a little boy you'll turn into.

Happy Nine Months, Stinker. We love you. xoxo.  

Three Years Old

Caden,

 

You are funny, energetic, creative, ornery, stubborn, imaginative, an early riser, you play hard and love harder, mostly easy going and adapt well to change. You would spend all day playing outside if we let you, yet also can zonk out to a good kid movie or show from time to time.

 

You are a great brother to Reid, constantly tending to him when he cries reassuring him 'It's okay, baby, it's okay...' and no one can make him laugh as hard as you can. Whether you are trying or not-he finds you super funny be it you dancing in the car to Mickey Mouse music, chasing after you (with our help at this point), or just yesterday you had him giving the best laughs and all you were doing was standing outside throwing a nurf toy at the door while he stood inside and watched.

 

 

You love to watch Octonauts, Dinotrucks, Cars, Monsters, Inc, Land Before Time, Curious George-you don't scare easy when it comes to kid shows. Any kid show you've watched that has scary moments hasn't seemed to phase you one bit.

You love to wrestle. I'll give you one glane, and a people elbow sign and it's on. We can act like t-rex or triceratops and 'rawr' and wrestle or just let you pull out your crazy arm swinging/peoples elbow, as long as we are tossing you around and tickling you, you have a blast. It's fun, but sometimes hard to get you to tone it down a bit and stop climbing all over us in wrestle mode.

 

 

Your love language is definitely quality time. You thrive on that. It's been harder to balance that at times now not being the only child, but we do our best. You can also tell when Reids been more needy than not because you start to act out more as our focus usually isn't shared very well during those moments and times. That being said, you also do decent enough just hanging out if we are busy with Reid, especially if one of your shows is on. 

 

You are protective and caring. We put a gate up at the hallway entrance when we leave to block off that area from the dogs, but we just lean it up and on day I crossed over to grab something and as I crossed back I caught my foot on it and tripped over it, bringing it crashing down with me. You were so attentive and came to my side immediately asking what happened and if I was okay. After telling you I tripped over the gate you went over to it and gave it a few good revenge punches--coming to my defense and showing that gate who's boss. It was so sweet and funny.

 

You still suck your thumb. Additionally, you still hold up a socked foot to your nose at the same time and wiggle your little toes back and forth at the bottom of your nose. You almost half heartedly suck your thumb, too, because you always have a nice pool of drool on your shirt and down your arm. It's just adorable....wait, no, it's actually one of the main things that takes me back in remembrance that you are still a little boy even though you show teenager traits sometimes.  

 

You are defiant, but also compliant. You are struggling with stopping when we say stop, and continue to test that at this time hitting once or twice more after we directly tell you to stop. Today, in fact, as we were in a quiet Christian bookstore you proceeded to not listen and continued to pull on me from the cart after telling you to stop. Looking back, I should have turned around and told you more directly, but I didn't, and you unsurprisingly continued to do what I told you not to which led to you flipping over the cart crashing it to the ground. Luckily Reid was in his carseat and strapped in, and I somehow caught him mid-way, but you-as karma would have it-took the fall with the cart. You both were fine but upset, only causing an embarrassing loud and unfortunate moment. Hopefully a learning point, but kind of doubtful-you soak up so much and have caught on to so many new things but at the same time we can be sitting there explaining something as simply as we can and you are just giving us glossed over eyes and it's going in one ear, out the other. You look as if you are taking it in, but the next minute do the exact opposite. Oy vey, my child, oy vey.

 

You have helped me grow in my patience and always help me to see the simplicity in the daily things of life. Not always, my adult eyes and mindset are hard to overcome sometimes but it is refreshing to see life through your eyes and get in on the excitement that you are able to have over the little things.

 

You love the zoo, feeding the fish is one of your favorite things to do, and love going to Exploration Place or the park. You make new friends on many of our outings and love playing with other kids. You will start a Kids Day Inn program at church in a few weeks, one day a week from 9-1 and I think you will really have fun.

 

You love to help, especially in the kitchen. Takes more time, patience, and we really can't take our eyes off your or leave you alone in there because you rarely listen through to our warnings or instructions--your curiosity gets the best of you I'm afraid-but overall it is fun to have you learn and help beside us.

 

You are at such a fun age. You say the funniest things, and you are a parrot right now and always full of questions. You're a backseat driver at it's finest. Always telling us when to go, stop, slow down, go this way not that way. It's humorous, but more so when I'm not driving and definitely not after a long day. Momma can only take so much.

 

You love to play hard and get dirty. You love bathes. You love books and puzzles. You have the biggest sweet tooth and would divulge in sweets all day if we allowed it, one of your absolute favorites is ice cream. Also shown in the picture is the fact that you'd much rather just wear underpants around and we have to make your wear pants. You don't argue much, but you almost always try to protest a little.

 

 

You also have a great habit of being polite. You do well at saying thank you, nank you as you pronounce it. You say please and sorry-sometimes in the wrong moments but still, glad you are learning to be kind and have good manners, even if we have to stop and remind you-it's usually not something you fight us one and will be quick to correct yourself and ask politely instead of just demanding something or being rude. You're just a kid, speak your voice and let us know your opinions-not much is in your control and this stage in life, but hopefully we're able to teach you how to do so in a respectful manner.

 

The past three years has come and gone so fast. Your dad and I are so proud of you and could not be more thankful that God has allowed us to be your parents. We are trying our best to show you love and patience, we pray for guidance in our parenting that God may help us teach you and your brother His love, kindess and pray that you grow to know God's love and will for you as you get older.

 

You are an amazing boy, Caden. We cannot begin to describe how deep and strong our love is for you. Thanks for bringing smiles to our faces when we've needed it the most, giving the best hugs, and being willing to forgive and learn along side of us.

 

Thank you for three years that have been absolutely priceless to your father and I. We have learned a lot the past three years, and trust me, we continue to learn and grow right along side you on a daily basis--we wouldn't have it any other way. The good, the bad, the ugly--you're stuck with us, pal, for better or worse. (That's exciting and promising to hear, right?)

 

We love the heck out of you, Caden. Nothing will ever, ever change that. Happy 3rd Birthday, buddy.

 

xoxoxo

 

 

March 2015 2.2.

More from March-it was a busy, busy month as were the months before. Gary turned the big 3-0! I pulled off a surprise party for him and his buddy Drew the weekend of his birthday. It was fun, and with the help of our friends everything turned out great! We got away for the day, my mom took the boys, and it was a big day for basketball so we spent our time downtown celebrating with food and drinks watching some basketball and hanging out. It was fun and relaxing, but I couldn't shake being nervous and secretly covering my butt with texts from people about the evening surprise.

 

It was actually a perfect day out to enjoy food and drinks on the patio downtown. Tried my first grapefruit beer, which was yummy! We had our day of fun, then went to River City Brewery before I had to pull Gary away from there to bring him back to the Pumphouse for the surprise. Pat got Drew there maybe thirty minutes before us...should have realized going to River City would take longer and we'd want to linger. But, we didn't linger and because he's such a great guy he went along with my excuse of wanting to have another grapefruit beer so we cut the dinner short, headed back, and surprise! Spent the evening celebrating with friends and a big sigh that all the planning and small fibs could be done with! It was a fun way to celebrate!

Nothing says Happy 30th like a good embarrassing picture cake that showcases the old bowl cuts and curly hair!

 

Caden loves the outdoors. Now that it's late July that I'm talking about March it feels weird to me to think of how we had to stay inside most days away from the cold. But he would venture out whenever we would let him if it was nice enough out-or we'd layer him up and he'd fight the cold and run around for a bit. He just loves it outside. Even now, amongst the summer heat, he'll opt to be out there so we just turn on the hose and let him run around the yard watering anything and everything and he'll do that for a good hour or more if we'd let him!

His imagination is endless. Always pretending so many different things or scenarios. Here he has gathered up 'dinners' and took it upon himself to try to take a bite of this branch, which maybe was a pretend fry...?

A few more Caden funnies....dumping all his blocks and covering daddy. Taking a bite out of the bottom of the candle we used for Gary's cookie cake. Hiding a dinosaur in the washer and letting it get a good, clean bath. Taking the dinosaurs for a ride in his dump truck. As he gets older he sometimes gets more trying, but such is life of a toddler/kid, but man it is so funny-most of the time, at least-to see how his brain works and where his curiosity leads him.

 

When it's nice enough to get some fresh air and get outside, we layer up and of we go. They don't make winter clothing and blankets for no reason! Maybe it would be easier if we had a basement to provide some sort of surrounding change outside of our one level, but I still think more levels/rooms or not, sometimes the only solution is to get some good fresh air.

 

Caden loves Reid, but especially seems to love being able to interact with him more and Reid starting to be able to 'sit up' and be more attentive has allowed them to have more of that brotherly interaction which just melts my dang heart. 

 

I mean. Hello, handsome! How fun are those shoes and that smile. Those shoes were a gift from my friend Holly for Caden at his baby shower and now Reid gets to capture a moment in them as well! Gary used to have a pair the exact same. At first, I couldn't grasp why he would want to wear checkered shoes, but he did, and that was his style which was something I loved about him. So, it was a special gift to have little newborn shoes just like daddy!

The zoo is sometimes our second home. It is so nice to get out of the house at least once a week and venture out to the zoo. Caden loves the animals and Reid is always game for a stroller ride, especially there where we're always on the go. I also have come to really appreciate our zoo-the layout and variety it provides. Great times had by all-they get out and about and I get to see them enjoy their surroundings and catch a break in the sense of self entertainment.

Just a cute baby snoozing. Reid and I seemed to do a lot of snuggle naps during the early months. I think half of it was I was too tired to try to 'train' him to get used to napping in his crib and just voted more for a guarantee snooze break vs a fussy baby that would wake Caden.

 These days, my lap is rarely not full. I read a blog that described a mom feeling 'so alone, yet not enough alone time' and in this stage of life that rings tried and true. If it's not one, it's the other, and sometimes both filling up my arms--I wouldn't have it any other way, but I would also be lying if I said sometimes I feel so drained by kind of living in kid world for the majority of the day. It's what I begged and cried for when I worked full time, and luckily God has shown me grace in my adjusting to this new normal of two kids, being home with them and working part time--it hasn't been the easiest chapter for me to navigate through but the fact is that I am navigating and even though it's been hard, the good outweighs the bad hands down.

Caden will sometimes, not often-but sometimes, as to hold baby. He doesn't even really do much of the holding, that's more done by us and mostly because he simply doesn't even attempt to wrap his arms around Reid or support him, but hey-it's a start and bonding is bonding so I'll take it!

Dinosaurs, couch pillow, cartoons and one out of two taking a snooze. As simple and sweet as that.

 

How does this cute baby keep sneaking in here? Reid has full brown eyes that are dark and beautiful. Caden has handsome hazel eyes that pick up blue or green tones when he wears like colors. Many, many people think Reid looks like Caden, but I only really see it when I look back at Cadens baby pictures where some similarities stand out. But man their eyes are definitely one thing that sets them apart and I love the differences in each.

We have a park a mile and a half away. I would run there with Caden, play, a run back. With the addition of Reid it's been easier to drive our happy selves down there, so we try to go there every once in awhile. It's a given that Caden will pretend to serve food at this little spot under a slide area, almost every single time. His imagination is endless and so amazing.

We can wrap up March with this silly picture. He loves seeing himself and making faces back at himself. This looks like, and from what I can remember was, one of those early mornings watching some cartoons before getting our butts into gear. Early mornings take on a new meaning when you've also been up at least once with the baby, then your other little wakes up around 6:00/6:30 am. There was a stage, an unnecessary stage might I add, where Caden wouldn't sleep much past 5:30 am. Why, no clue, but he did and it was so.fun. And by fun I mean I basically had to tape my eye open and fight falling back asleep on the couch. Luckily he's cute, funny, and so worth it. (none of those three traits came to mind those early mornings unfortunately...)

Happy March 2015, ya'll.

*spoken and documented in true new mom of two fashion five months later*