Unexplained negative emotions are a tall tell sign towards knowing when your center focus is out of whack. When one thing doesn't go as planned, but is the last trigger that you needed to start the waterworks or pity party.
You know-when your little emotional bottle is full, and the caps on but one turn away from popping off and then something happens that sends it flying-letting the entire bottle geyser up and out. And man, you've been keeping it all in and good for so long but then that disappointment hits and all that hard work doesn't even matter.
After a recent setback, over nothing important even, I found myself having to tell Gary that I needed a minute to regroup. I stepped away into our room, sat my back against the door that won't stay shut well and, luckily, controlled the geyser but let a few tears slip out.
Instantly I was frustrated at why. Why did I let something that had no significant importance rock me to my core enough to have to step away and gather myself back together?
Because my hope, my center focus was off. I was putting more on this thing than I had realized. I was letting my self worth ride on the shoulders of this event and I didn't even realize it until I got upset.
And how often we do that. Too often we make things bigger than they should be, more important than they are, and let them take precedence over our hearts and minds more than God.
I would have proved to myself that I had the ability and strength that I had doubted was in me. I would be able to share the accomplishment with pride.
In other words, I would have fed myself with myself and oh how unreliable and insufficient is that source.
Something so unimportant unknowingly raced to the top of my attention and stole my center focus.
It's so easy and happens so quick. Even good, positive things can easily fall into that negative category taking too much of your attention and taking priority over God. What I tripped on wasn't anything of a negative source, but it still had too much of me in it.
As I sat there with my back against the door with the rush of emotions I had to stop and cry out to God confiding in Him that I didn't know why something of this little significance is causing that much disappointment. And then I felt a rush of recognition that I was relying in that specific thing to bring me confidence and joy, and I was putting that above and before God.
'When the glories of creation are preferred to the glory of God' John Piper in his devotional on Living in the Light-Money, Sex & Power
Here, in this instance I felt like unbeknownst to me I had slipped into darkness with power. Letting the importance of power from other accomplishments trump God.
With kids or no kids, spouse or no spouse, rich or poor....this area of struggle is real and it is strong. Don't let Satan steal the joy in things and turn them against you. Stop and realize what has a hold of your heart, your mind, your focus more than it should-more than God-and realign yourself.
If you can't put God first and above it, if you can't change the way you approach that relationship or activity towards the positive then get ride of it.
Nothing is worth living or wallowing in the dark for. Nothing is worth bringing you down and rocking you to the core. If you put anything or anyone higher than God you will be unstable, you will fall and you will feel the negatives of it.
'In darkness we fondle the smooth ebony brooch hanging around our neck--not knowing that in the light we would see it is a cockroach.' John Piper, Living in the Light-Money, Sex & Power
I did such, and in a simple, seemingly harmless manner. And I know I will error again and continue to learn and relearn the same lesson in different ways unfortunately--but for now, I'm stronger for being on this side of it and I hope that for someone this speaks to you and helps you in the same.
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