Nephesh

(neh'-fesh)

In Hebrew meaning life; living being.

Devotional Seven Hebrew Words Every Christian Should Know.

In Psalm 19 versus 1-4 David writes:

'The heavens proclaim the glory of God. The skies display his craftsmanship.

Day after day they continue to speak. Night after night they make Him known.

They speak without a sound or word. Their voice is never heard.

Yet their message has gone throughout the earth, and their words to all the world.'

When our four year old hits or acts out in a hurtful manner, be it having a large impact or not, we reiterate that there is no good reason to act out in harm towards anyone, human or animal.

I stop and step on my own toes thinking of all the reasons I would want to validate them in when it comes to self defense. I get defensive even thinking about it.

But here, I'm talking acts of hate. Not acts of defense or protection. Even that I can debate myself on...

But America...I take that back, WORLD.

Who are we if we show hate? If we inflict harmful words, actions, behaviors upon others? How are we any better than those which have recently done so?

Satan is just loving this. Eating it up.

People turning on each other, showing hate verbally or physically. And because of what-a skin color difference, a difference in religion, opposite political viewpoints, having preferences or lifestyle unlike your own?

It is horrible. It is downright ridiculous and it needs to stop. Now.

Gods work is shown beautifully throughout this world. There is love and there are people fighting for the better. But not enough. The viewpoint of todays world is too focused on self.

Self image; be healthy, be happy, but quit being self centered. Self status; be productive, make an impact, but quit thinking the world revolves around you. Self opinion; have a voice, think, but don't be closed to others perspectives.

If we continue to march around with just ourselves as top priority, then we might as well buckle up and sign up to continue to ride this not-so-merry-go-round of hate as it goes around and around and around on a nauseating repeat. As if spinning ourselves sick won't wake us up-well, hasn't seemed to yet at least.

We talk ourselves in circles. We are hypocrites, even when we strive not to be. We are sinful at nature. No one had to teach us to feel jealousy, greed, or hate. But God teaches us how to fight against that which Satan thrives on.

In this world of 'self', we must acknowledge that we cannot make a difference relying solely on ourselves.

For me, I do believe in Jesus, God, the guidance of the Holy Spirit. So I thrive on that fueling me to help me be more than this world is accepting as okay or normal.

I know that isn't where everyone stands. But I know that together, if we stand against what the world pegs as normal, if was stand against the worlds 'self' motto that maybe we'll have a chance.

As the skies speak volumes across the world without uttering a single world, can we not as well speak volumes of love and hope across the world even if muted?

Maybe, right now, muted is the way to go. I know, a bit backwards saying that as I'm typing this to share...

But, really. How much of an impact will that post or tweet leave? How much of an impact will this leave? Maybe it will leave some nodding in agreement or maybe it will leave some shaking their heads in annoyance...

...but unless we step away from the words-written or spoken-and choose to speak as loud as the skies do we will be setting our future on repeat.

Differences aside. No more dividers. There needs to be no more.

Actions speak louder than words. Let us, quietly, speak volumes and make a change.

Money, Money, Money

Finances.

Alright. I'm dropping the mic there and letting you draw your own, likely reasonable, conclusions to this post.

What do most couples fight about? Sex, Finances and I forget the third, maybe sex again, I don't know.

Gary and I don't really fight. Twice recently Caden has gotten onto us saying, 'Guys! Are you fighting?!' when once we were teasing each other on different opinions, pure fun, and second when we were talking about another topic with enthusiasm. No fighting and kind of odd that he's catching onto that when it's not really in his surrounding much.

I guess it depends how you define fighting. We get at odds, and sometimes I'd like to push him right over and rant on and on about all the things I am certainly right about and have no wrong...but, we haven't had long lasting battles. God has really worked through us in this area, helping us grow to be humble, forgiving or ask forgiveness, and move on. And, well, being at odds just sucks so we try to get back on track sooner than later to help our whole world feel more in line.

But, we went against the typical advice the other night and went to bed mad. After ending on a bad note we didn't speak the rest of the night and felt at odds into the next morning and MAN I just hate that.

Throws me off in all areas. Makes me feel frustrated and off with the kids even and blah.

We put on our happy-ish faces for church, which thankfully throughout softened our hearts and helped break the tension.

I dare you to hold hands during a sermon, while in a tiff, and not feel some sort of conviction and stupidity to the nonsense anger. There-all differences solved. Just find a sermon to hit up and hold hands. #worldpeace

Okay back at it-We later spear headed the conversation and moved on, Whew. And...it all was wrapped around finances.

It's been on our mind for what's next for us for a while now. Another baby sometime? Finish Gary's masters work? Sell/buy bigger home? Win the lotto? Could ya'll lift up that last one in prayer, because it's obviously top priority here. Prioritizing is my thing.

Just wondering, without trying to wonder. If that makes sense. Trying to hand over control and over thinking of the tomorrows to God, but also being responsible to have a reasonable game plan.

So. Current game plan now is to legitimately have our goal set and in mind to save up to move. Because if the first question ever does come into play, more space would be appreciated. And we can't do schooling and saving to move at the same time, so what do we want to work towards? We landed on home.

Education is key, and important, but also costly and with all the craziness right now who knows the benefit of it at this moment. Yada Yada, there's my defensiveness thinking about some pre-judging possible thoughts.

SO YEAH. Tight budget. Already messed up a bit. Hence the tension and breakthrough and here we are going to try Option A, then if we can't be honorable to that, Option B towards savings and living within our means.

BUT here's the deal, I know, finally. And, shocker mixed with dejavu. I got out of the word and out of prayer for two days. Over which our version of the turds hit the fan and we got in a funk.

Two days. People, that's all it can take and here that's all it did take. It wasn't until this evening that I had a constant tug about doing the study days I had missed, even though evening study isn't my normal, so I did. And BAM. Right in my face two topics hitting the exact area that I am struggling with and wasn't giving up control over.

First study went over Matthew 6:25-34. Highlighting verses 33-34, of that verse 33 is on my fridge-right in front of my stinking face, yet I chose to ignore it and look past its significance and realness.

'But seek first His kingdom & His righteousness & all those things will be given to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.'

Through Matthew 6:25-34 God gives a multitude of reasons to not be anxious. John Piper points out in this study to not just call God's reasons simplistic, but call it grace. BELIEVE HIM!

Take every reason and preach it to your sole as true. Remember His words, remember His promise, His reasons and don't let them sit by the waste side wishing they would be heard and put into use when they are just dying to shout a saving song into your heart. Let them reign in your soul, let them be true, let them save you from Satan's lies and deceit that he loves to tangle you in causing issues between you and your spouse, you and your family, you and God.

Secondly, what does it mean to serve God?

Am I serving Him in a way that is calling attention to Him as an authority figure and not a treasure? Am I doing what He says in a way that shines glory on the giver?

Serving gladly, not anxiously, trusting in God through serving Him-He will supply our needs. Know that our needs are not always our wants. We have vision the size of a mustard seed compared to His.

It doesn't mean when we come up to our weekly spending, bills, so forth, that I won't yet again have to fight myself in giving that trust to God.

To stay humble. To purposefully avoid things that may lead me to feel discontent. To focus on all the big and little things around me to keep me grounded.

This feels a bit repetitive, but I could not ignore the way God chose to shout out the reminder that He was there, patiently waiting for me to knock, yet I had my back turned towards His door looking to make sure I didn't miss anything on my own yet.

So. I share. Repetitive or not, our same issues will be as such, and here was our current that as much as I hated we went through, I am glad we did.

We have a plan. We have a backup plan, because, duh. But most importantly, we have the first of each day to stop and focus on the mission of God over our mission of home/kids/schooling/life.

And right here, I could really use the hands up in the air, arm muscle, and peace out emoji's...

A literal, and simple every day, Jesus take the wheel

I heard this story, err something along these lines because recalling stories isn't my strong suit, in a sermon a while back about the pastor and his wife:

They were driving on a trip and between a gps and his wife with a map in the passenger seat confusion on where to go set in. He says something to her towards the confusion and she says back 'It is not the passengers fault if the driver doesn't get to the destination.' In which he stops and responds, 'That would be good sermon!'

If you are the one driving and leading your life, having God in the passenger seat to blame for misdirection, but don't fully let Him drive. Him lead. Him take the wheel and you follow---well, you'll just end up crashing on way or another.

With that thought, I want to shine some light on our recent good, because I just want to give credit where credit is due.

Gary went to the lake this past weekend with some of his buddies so it was just me and the boys. I worked Friday, and we went to my sisters for pizza and pool with my family that evening. We stayed late, both boys had a blast and didn't even crash on the way home as we all suspected.

Of course, in this house our kids have yet to learn the concept that a late night means you sleep in, so before seven we were up and at 'em. Hit up the gym, came home to play and then later had a friends little guy join us for the night. So, party on, Wayne!

Again. Sleeping in doesn't occur, Reid especially. Up and at 'em again, by eight all nuggets were up and after some yummmmA cinnamon rolls and some outside time we returned our sweet guest and hit up the busy zoo.

Both boys did great, I packed our own little version of a lunchable which Caden thought was cool so that was a win up in here, and we finally got to see the elephants out and close right before we left!

Got home, hung out just a bit before naps and we all three took a nap. Can I get an amen?! Glorious.

I almost forgot to plan food for the week-minor detail-so off to the store for a quick run and swing by the salad bar for a picnic dinner back at home. Then, I saw my pal was beating me in a fitbit weekend challenge so we snuck a walk in, came back to play outside more before bedtime fun.

A-flippin-men. Is that wrong? I mean, amen is good, but I am REALLY feeling the praise so I need a flippin. Hey, could be worse. I could be using my younger years language here...and I'm not. So, you're welcome and apologies for anyone around my dumb pirate mouth back then.

There were negatives-like, the early mornings- but that's not new. A lot of missing my boo thang. I took Reid's shirt off for a bath, he lost his balance, and his face met the outside of the tub, so that sucked for him. And poor dude got a bug bite above his eye that swelled up on him-he looked a mess, but is better now (thank you kids Benadryl). A few lame mom moments of getting more mad than necessary, once over spilled Gatorade. It wasn't a big deal, and not a huge mess, but just hit me at the wrong time I guess. Had to ask forgiveness for that one-dumb emotions got in my way. #shocker

But. Here's the deal...the recap wasn't really needed, but it's all typed out so it's staying...I prayed for this.

I didn't feel it right away, or the whole weekend, but I really focused on this as I was flying solo with them. I'm alone with them during the days, but Gary comes home and gives me adult conversation, love and support. And on the weekends, and now even extra bonus summer days, I get spoiled having that time together.

I usually try to keep us busy, giving the boys things to do that doesn't all fall back on me, leaving me drained. And we did things, but overall-compared to our norm-I felt like we moved in slow motion. We didn't do as much as we normally do on a weekend. Nothing was rushed. Nothing was really planned or had a schedule and it felt so weird, but good.

One of the things I have been focusing on praying for has been for God to give me what I need for the day. To be the mom and wife He's called me to be. To say and show Gods love and truth to others. To take the day for what it is and to have His guidance there.

I could be queen of overthinking-as many others-and it is something I have purposefully been working on. Praying over the day, the moments he has placed in front of us right now and not dwelling on the future. Not to say I still don't think ahead, because, we'll, I just can't help it sometimes, but when I already felt some defeat in these days knowing it would be 100% on me, I had to do a big trust fall on God that he would help give me what I needed for this time.

And He did. Not in a way that I would have expected either. Like I said, I'm more prone to filling up our time and keeping busy, but this wasn't that. It was slow paced and I feel like I took in the time with the boys more than I have for a while.

This afternoon, as I read Reid a book before naptime, Caden came rushing to his room, stood in the door frame and said 'Mom! I just love you so much.' and off he went.

The rush of emotions and praise for that moment was unbeatable. On came tears of gratitude.  Amongst feelings of tired and fear of failing came that sweet bit. It was a wave of love over me-an earthly hug and lift from God.

Thank.You.Jesus.

When you take the weight off your shoulders, when you trust in God to give you the strength, the guidance, and the will for what your day may hold-He will show up.

Through the good and the bad parts of the day, as you learn more and more to follow His lead and not your own--though He may show His grace or love in ways you didn't plan---He will show up.

And that, that I am oh so thankful for as we close our weekend. Cheers to Gary coming home tomorrow and to God helping me be able to file our time under the good memories and not the errrrk messed that one up!

Feeding Off Yourself

What. Did you think this was a Walking Dead post? Come on. We all know that that's a sore spot having to wait until September to find out if the speculations towards poor Glenn are true or not...I'm not even going to get into that. I just can't. So. Focus.

Unexplained negative emotions are a tall tell sign towards knowing when your center focus is out of whack. When one thing doesn't go as planned, but is the last trigger that you needed to start the waterworks or pity party.

You know-when your little emotional bottle is full, and the caps on but one turn away from popping off and then something happens that sends it flying-letting the entire bottle geyser up and out. And man, you've been keeping it all in and good for so long but then that disappointment hits and all that hard work doesn't even matter.

After a recent setback, over nothing important even, I found myself having to tell Gary that I needed a minute to regroup. I stepped away into our room, sat my back against the door that won't stay shut well and, luckily, controlled the geyser but let a few tears slip out.

Instantly I was frustrated at why. Why did I let something that had no significant importance rock me to my core enough to have to step away and gather myself back together?

 

Because my hope, my center focus was off. I was putting more on this thing than I had realized. I was letting my self worth ride on the shoulders of this event and I didn't even realize it until I got upset.

 

And how often we do that. Too often we make things bigger than they should be, more important than they are, and let them take precedence over our hearts and minds more than God.

 

I would have proved to myself that I had the ability and strength that I had doubted was in me. I would be able to share the accomplishment with pride.

 

In other words, I would have fed myself with myself and oh how unreliable and insufficient is that source.

 

Something so unimportant unknowingly raced to the top of my attention and stole my center focus.

 

It's so easy and happens so quick. Even good, positive things can easily fall into that negative category taking too much of your attention and taking priority over God. What I tripped on wasn't anything of a negative source, but it still had too much of me in it.

 

As I sat there with my back against the door with the rush of emotions I had to stop and cry out to God confiding in Him that I didn't know why something of this little significance is causing that much disappointment. And then I felt a rush of recognition that I was relying in that specific thing to bring me confidence and joy, and I was putting that above and before God.

 

'When the glories of creation are preferred to the glory of God' John Piper in his devotional on Living in the Light-Money, Sex & Power

 

Here, in this instance I felt like unbeknownst to me I had slipped into darkness with power. Letting the importance of power from other accomplishments trump God.

 

With kids or no kids, spouse or no spouse, rich or poor....this area of struggle is real and it is strong. Don't let Satan steal the joy in things and turn them against you. Stop and realize what has a hold of your heart, your mind, your focus more than it should-more than God-and realign yourself.

 

If you can't put God first and above it, if you can't change the way you approach that relationship or activity towards the positive then get ride of it.

 

Nothing is worth living or wallowing in the dark for. Nothing is worth bringing you down and rocking you to the core. If you put anything or anyone higher than God you will be unstable, you will fall and you will feel the negatives of it.

 

'In darkness we fondle the smooth ebony brooch hanging around our neck--not knowing that in the light we would see it is a cockroach.' John Piper, Living in the Light-Money, Sex & Power

 

I did such, and in a simple, seemingly harmless manner. And I know I will error again and continue to learn and relearn the same lesson in different ways unfortunately--but for now, I'm stronger for being on this side of it and I hope that for someone this speaks to you and helps you in the same.

What my what is

Two things-well, I guess three, have popped up and pushed me to surface of wondering what my what is. What could I be focusing on more, what's my next step as Amanda. Not as a wife or a mom, although I'm sure both titles are bound to intertwine with the independent, but as Amanda. What does God have me here for and how can I not miss out on it.

I know I need to focus on the roles I have been given as a wife and mom and not let those lack attention, but this tug is coming from somewhere...so what to do.

The three happenings: One already spoken of in my last writing about being a change agent, a recent comedic sermon by the funny Michael Jr., and chapter seven in the book The Best Yes.

Change agent. Being willing to step away and out of the normal, dreaming big.

Comedic sermon. You may know what to do, but what gives it power is knowing why you do it and even more strength comes from who you do it for.

Chapter seven. 'You will steer towards where you stare.' Where is your focus-is it stuck on fear and therefor holding you back or are you letting go and trusting in God.

Triple C action. The first I spent time typing about in the last blog, so feel free to recap there. The second I watched today as I pumped iron--a new gig I've been into and man, it's pretty legit. I'm not legit in in, but the mind break/child break and body feel good has been pretty dang sweet...I'm liking it. And I was able to listen to chapter seven today as well.

So, when you feel like things occur more than once, directing you to the same topic and all get you thinking towards the same question--maybe it's about time to open a new can of worms? Except not worms. Those are gross and slimy. A new can of oreos nom nom nom...but, my iron pumping self should probably say chocolate peanut butter protein bars...they have cans of those somewhere, right!?

Focus, ya'll.

For real, though. It's come to my attention that I just feel like I'm not doing enough personally. Finally initiating carving out time for myself at the gym has felt good. Please, Lord, don't let this now talking about it jinx me into my previous yo-yo cycles towards this area. It's been a good while since I've positively invested in my own self, mentally and physically.

And although I'm not saying lets be self centered here, I'm all for selflessness and servanthood, BUT I am suggesting that the more you put yourself last the less you'll have to give. And I'm tired of running on E here.

I know our life is busy. Our schedule and days don't allow much to be added in, but I also know that if we don't prioritize and organize how we are spending our time we'll miss out on opportunities that God has desired us to be in.

What am I crowding my days and time with? How am I making a difference? Why did God give me the passions and abilities that He has given me-more importantly how am I, or am I not, using those in the best way to share His love?

I question myself so much. I fear putting myself out there to fall, to be mocked, to look a fool. The more you put yourself out there-the higher standard you may be held to---and sometimes I don't want a dang standard to adjust to at all nonetheless a high one. That's a silly statement, that's what can keep you in check Uh-Man-Duh. Geez.

But what is my motive and what is my reasoning. How am I clearing my mind and time to listen to Gods directions. I am far from perfect, so how can I turn to trust in God and be willing to let Him use my imperfections.

This is my start. I can only think thus far to pray over my wondering-unsure of what really it would lead to. Knowing our plates are full, but knowing that maybe they need to be rearranged. I'm just not sure on what my what is, but I am sure that God doesn't lead you up to certain things multiple times just for...see, here's where the higher standard would bum me out because what goes perfectly right there, before those three dots, is 'shits and giggles', but uh-should I say that? Well. I just did.

Here's to putting aside the fear of failure, of shining light on imperfections, and of openly giving God the go ahead and activate my trust fall. One.Two.Three...fly or fall, trust God through it all.

Is that a new hashtag, or just the corniest saying ever? Probably the latter...dang it. Can I blame Lysa Terkeurst for the motivation to say that-yet that would go against her steps towards making decisions, one being owning your decision and it was me, not her, after all who chose not to delete the above and act like it never sneaked itself out over my keyboard.