I wasn't feeling well, we were amidst the balancing act that our evenings sometimes hold, Caden was fighting eating dinner and the last one at the table. It wasn't even amongst the moments of scolding for being ungrateful or warnings of going to bed hungry that happened earlier on. It wasn't in the middle of a dead end toddler argument or in rebuttal of being told no. It was just random.
It was just an empty statement mumbled under his breath as I did dishes. Unknowingly asking what he said and unprepared heard louder four mighty words that just broke me.
You're a mean mommy.
I attempted to push it aside and brush aside a few tears that slipped out, those sneaky little devils, then Gary entered in and placed his hand on my back as I avoided eye contact and then those sneaky little devils didn't sneak, they rolled and roared and I lost it.
I still hid my face away from Caden and gathered myself as I hear 'What makes you cry, mommy?' in a sweet, concerned voice.
Nothing, honey. I'm fine.
Man. There have been so many just moments he could have said that statement and it would have been accurate, at least with his lack of hindsight. But it wasn't. It was random and it sucked.
The sarcastic part in me could have easily said, oh yeah-right, having you not go to bed hungry is being a mean mommy. Sure thing, dude. Just wait-just.you.wait. But not then. I was tired, it was towards the end of the day and it just burnt.
Feeling that made me realize that is exactly what I do in my relationship with God.
Through social media I heard the story of a mom losing her life shortly after having triplets. Leaving behind not only three new littles, but also two other daughters and her husband.
Friends of ours, and acquaintances, have lost babies inside and outside of the womb.
In those moments it's easy for my mind to think, God, you're a mean God. And how unfair of me. How unfair and toddler like is that for me to take one moment and let my understanding outweigh His. Just as Caden's understanding tries to outweigh ours, I am guilty of the same.
Caden doesn't understand that our answering no isn't just for shiz and giggles, or because we can. It varies-safety, health, seeing the bigger picture that he can't. And the battles will just get bigger as he gets older. He think's I'm a mean mom over-I'm assuming since it was out of context-having him eat dinner, then what's he going to think if we disagree with his friend choice or say no to a night out, a car, a girlfriend--who the hey knows.
I don't understand why God allows things to happen that would make Him out to be the bad guy. His 'no' may come in many forms for us. It may be hard, it may bring heartache, it may lead to better things for us and we get to see a great outcome or we may never see the full circle or have closure from it all-but I have to believe His knowledge of why is bigger than mine.
Know that although things may seem unjust and that circumstances waiver our God never does.
You may not see or feel His presence, but are you even looking? Are you choosing to let Satan into your heart and mind and find all the bad, all the hate, all the negative or are you choosing to see the good, the hope, the positive that God has placed amongst the difficult?
Trekking through the desert, standing amid the fire, feeling crushed by the waves--He doesn't promise our lives will be easy but He promises them to be fulfilling, all depending on how you take each day and how you live out your life for Him.
I love my boys. I don't want harm to cross their paths. I don't want to lose them or them to lose us. I want the best for them and more. But I am not the only factor in their lives. They will choose the direction they go and it will be our job to help with guidance if they seek it. We will show them love no matter what.
As that is true for me to my children, as it is from God to His children. Lost, found, wandering, hidden-all.
I may not understand it all. Caden and Reid won't always understand our answers. But sometimes, that's just it and that's where we need to rest and be okay--it isn't for us to understand.
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