Sure I memorized some as a kid, but only two stick out and are still in my memory bank. I used to always tell myself 'I can do all things through Christ whom strengthens me', but I just had to google it to verify it's origin...Philippians 4:13.
And John 3:16, 'For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life'. If you were raised in the church you most likely know that one. That's as far as my memory verse talents go. Sorry, mom, I know that makes you sigh thinking of all the breakfast devotionals you did with us.
But this new verse is one of strength, one of test, and one that isn't just asking God for help or remembering His promise--this new one is much more than that to me.
'Search me, God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See in my any offensive ways and lead me in the way everlasting.' Psalms 139: 23-24
The sermon goes over four things.
First, search my heart. Asking God to look at you, to search your imperfect heart and see in you where you need Him, and where you haven't been letting Him in.
Second, reveal my fears. Your fear will hold you back from being obedient and what we fear the most reveals where we trust God the least.
Third, uncover my sins. Three questions that help with that are: what are others trying to tell me, what have I rationalized for some time and where am I most defensive? Don't deny the truth, submit to what God shows you; confess to God for forgiveness and confess to people for healing.
Fourth, lead me. Allow God in where you have kept Him out. Let go of control, realize we are more with Him than without Him and know that you need His help, power, grace and freedom.
The pastor encouraged praying this prayer for a week, being consistent and open to how God may respond to your prayer. A personal struggle I have had, and we have had as a couple, has been having faith and trust in our future financially and personally. So, I honestly expected to see God show me ways I could draw Him in more in this area I've been struggling with, that I had been anxious about and not turning to Him for help or guidance.
I prayed this starting Monday afternoon, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Throughout those days nothing drastically stood out so I continued on and wondered how God would use this prayer and my asking to speak to me.
Amongst this week came additional work tasks for Gary, along with him starting another college course and preparing for a big test at the end of March. That all laid some stress upon him, knowing he'd have to bring work and school into our family time and balance it between the time I do my work as well.
I continued with the prayer on Friday, and during that day felt the tug at my heart about wanting to really step it up for him during these next couple of months. Basically, just try to help him have one less thing to worry about during this extra busy time-be it a task with the kids, house, whatever. And I kind of thought-is that it? Is that area, which I honestly struggle with, where God needs me to focus? Meh. Not sure...
Then, Saturday our morning was simple. We had plans to head to the zoo, but had hours to kill before then so I started to give the kids a bath. I quickly stepped out to grab my phone and coffee and saw Gary had set up for work.
Now, bear with me, because my next statement will make me sound selfish and, well, I'll be honest, I think I've always personally struggled with sometimes having a 'what about me?' mantra.
So, my first thought was irritation. We mentioned having to be considerate of the time we both would have to work and planning ahead so we don't step on each others toes, so this set up kind of blindsided me and annoyed me.
But, I went back in and put on a Christian station, looked at the boys playing and it hit me. No exaggeration, a huge wave of peace washed over me and engulfed me. An immense feeling that I need to be okay and go with the flow. When he see's time to set up shop, I need to be the first to stand in support and there is where I need to allow God in to help me.
Because, ashamed to admit it, I will need God's help in this area. It's so easy for me to quickly only see my side of it. I've been with the boys all day-alllll day errrr day. I'm tired. I still have to work. Dinner needs made. YADA FLIPPING YADA. I could find any reason to be irritable about my needs or wants being set aside.
Even now I think, pardon my french, well...damn. This may will be hard.
But I truly feel and believe this is where God needs me and more importantly, this is where I need Him.
I need God to meet me in the middle of my weakness and selfishness. I need God to continue to show me the areas that I rely on myself and fail. I need God's grace, strength and guidance to grow stronger in this area.
I won't master this, I'm sure. I know myself well enough to know that I'm going to need God's help again and again through these areas-but I know my wants and wishes to grow old with this man. To be able to show this quality through our marriage, and through my parenting, and I want to continue to evolve as our years grow. And for me, this is where I need to start to really dig my heals in and dig them in deep.
I encourage you to watch the series I've mentioned. The second one is over asking God to break you and to be honest-that is a 'to be continued one' for me. It scares the crud out of me and I need to pray about what to pray. Because that's not confusing at all....
No comments:
Post a Comment