beauty in the breakdown

I'm going to sit here, type it all out, and force myself to hit publish and share. What has been holding me back was the thought and feeling of being in a redundant depressed mode.

It's not true to all days, but in my hindsight seems to have rang true more than ever within this last year. So, I hesitate and I keep it in.

I let the busy schedule allow my mind to get busy and disconnected. I let our children's emotional roller coasters become somewhat mine. I let dissatisfaction settle in again and make itself at home. I let my focus shift and not to the positive.

The last month has been good. I draw a blank to ramble on about it, but it wasn't a bad month by any means. It was constant and has keep us on our toes. Busy can be good-having your life filled with things to do with family and friends. Yet, amongst this recent month I let the full schedule produce a full mind and left little to no room for myself, my husband and boys, and more importantly God.

Just as we are coming up on celebrating Easter-Jesus rising from the dead and all that he did to allow us redemption even when we are least deserving-I am here experiencing that yet again.

Undeserving because I am the one who clouded up my time and mind away from him. Filling it with others needs, my own needs, letting addicting and awesome shows take precedence over time spent to draw close to him.

Yet again, like a broken record, I let myself and this world get in the way and fell off track and man did it catch up with me.

I wouldn't have said weeks ago that I was even doing this--it was more unknowingly. But this last week was when it all came tumbling down.

Reid is getting in teeth and picked up a cold Caden had. Caden has been in an argumentative and hard stage. I caught said cold. I've fought for a loss nap time just in the hopes of getting some peace and quiet-and I'll be honest-some midday sleep myself. The nights have had a constant abruption, the days have been a battle, we had a week off of our normal schedule and it was all a recipe for disaster.

So. Around came Thursday and around came tears. Lots of tears. Lots of cries out to the Lord, even despite feeling no connection and as if He wasn't even hearing me.

I felt abandoned by God as the week felt so difficult. As if He's the one who said he was too busy to hear or save me, when I knew all along I had let that gap and trouble in myself.

Feeling defeat sucks. It makes you question everything, it makes you question yourself, and I flat out despise it. But. There was an ending rainbow.

I'm still too freshly off this week's chaos to say I'd want to go back through it all to gain the end result...I know I do and would want that, but ya'll-I'm just still tired and still sick and still kind of working my way out.

But what fell into place-after I finally got on my knees, in tears and crying out God, I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I need you.-it was only of God. And I was finally taking the time to listen and look for Him to speak and not just waiting for the doorbell that we don't have to ring with his blessing right there at the door, all nicely wrapped with a bow on top.

That's not how it works unfortunately. I hate that it's after a breakdown that you can clearly see the blessing. I hate that I'm here again, typing yet again another struggle and fall. But I am. And I think with the stage of our little ones and just how I am I'll be here yet again-hopefully not only seeing the signs of digression but noticing it enough, remembering the crap part of it enough, to fight against it instead wallow in and through it.

I swear, I'm not always this much of a mess......just half the time...okay. Not half the time...just half of the half.

I finally chose watching a sermon as I worked over a show. Seems like an easy decision and always, always,  has paid off in doing so but I hadn't been. So, Friday was a long work day for me and I played a sermon to start. I picked back up on a series I had been watching through Newspring and it happened to be over worrying.

Half of what I was weighed down with was filled with worry that I was hoarding to myself, not giving to God, and trying to figure out all on my own. Trying to be enough and bear the weight of parenting stresses when, oh Lord, that just doesn't work.

After that I reached out to two gals in particular we've down a study with recently and asked for prayers and support. I heard from one of a coworkers recent similar struggles, which made me not feel as alone or lost and aside from just sweet words of support I also received a picture quote stating:

Thinking of your child as behaving badly disposes you to think of punishment. Thinking of your child as struggling to handle something difficult encourages you to help them through their distress.

Great mind flip and new perspective to help our difficult days and help me change my approach, so I can in turn help him as well.

Then I finally downloaded an audible book that I've been longing to get my hands on but never acting on it called The Best Yes, by Lysa Terkeurst. It's already shown to be a good investment and helped fill me with positive ways to thinking towards your time, and more importantly, towards the time you are or aren't allowing for God.

Sharing this I risk sounding foolish and repetitive, but this is my life. This is a harder stage for me. I need help navigating it. I cannot do this on my own. I know I am not alone. I know I'm not the only mom that feels torn, pulled in many directions, with nothing left to give at the end or even start of the day.

I have yet again relied on myself, and I have yet again see that I cannot do this without God.
FINALLY. Finally I took steps to try to connect back with God. To open my mind to hearing Him, to purposefully seeking him and the way he will use others around us to show his love and support.

I felt like I was crying out but that my cries were falling upon deaf ears. Only because I went into my cries with that mindset. I let Satan flood into my cries with his lies of doubt and I still held tight to my frustration.

You have to be willing to fight. In this world, Satan is out to destroy you. He is out to rob you of happiness, hope and joy. He is out to dwell on your weakness and he will not hesitate.

I allowed myself to break. Allowed myself to admit I was failing, which sucks. But more importantly I allowed myself afterwards to stop and see the beauty in the breakdown.

Park, Zoo, or Harvard?

It's been a month since last posting. Remember, that one time, when I said 'a post a week'...yeah, about that.

I look back and see what I've written and it's like a wake up call to myself. I'm really grateful God spoke through me, and am thinking huh-what the heck, I don't feel any big things that seem good and thought provoking to talk about. So, maybe I'll just attempt to either do a mixture of what's up in our world--or ramble over topics even if they seem more mundane.

Our youngest sweet thang is at that harder stage between one and two where he's wanting to be more independent but unable to in many areas and still pretty needy. He also has a strong personality and already fights back when we tell him 'no'. Even a simple 'no' towards not biting led him to tug at me and my clothes in anger and throw whatever toy was around him. SO. He's just another story and a whole new area of navigating parent wise.

BUT. What has me really re-evaluating our norm is our oldest. I hit up Walmart after we first brought Reid home to gather some entertainment things for Caden and most of them worked well--but that has been over a year now and boy has he changed.

I tried a behavior chart, with rewards for it and it worked well. That helped, and I would encourage it for anyone. I got the idea from this one blog in particular, but did not put as much effort into the looks of it all and have ours taped to our fridge with a magnet as his moving piece.

It would work more if I kept up with it, well, that and maybe if he didn't argue everything even when we're trying to let him move up towards a reward. rolling my eyes.

Now it's been on my mind, and all over my Pinterest, looking for ideas specifically for him entertainment, structure and learning wise. Two simple and easy ones have worked out well thus far. The first, making dinosaurs out of shapes. The second, matching alphabet letters written on circle stickers to ones written on an empty paper towel roll.

Learning and entertainment which he really did like-so these two are keepers! He took the second one as if he was decorating his spy glass...if there's an empty roll in this house then playing pirates is right around the corner matey.

Coming soon-a letter a week, encouraging writing, working on higher numbers. All great, all not necessarily a rush but good to learn, all in his interest, all learning and adding needed structure...BUT most of all, all kind of scaring the shiz out of me.

I mean, just being honest here. It's all simple things and I just need to prep and get it together and start-luckily along some other mom friends in the same boat-but man. Is this really where I'm at? Are we already here? Should I be pre-ordering college supplies while I'm at it?

Okay, simmer down, simmer down.

But for real. This past year was full of adjustments from one kid to two, full time work to part time, budget changes...we had a crazy busy year when it comes to life changes and growing in many areas personally, as a family, and spiritually.

I adjusted to the change of being home with the boys and found different ways to be interactive and entertain them. We had it pretty good. Then winter came, sucked half the entertainment options away, made my toddler transform into a preschooler and my baby into a toddler all overnight, and left me wondering if we really even celebrated the holidays or if I'm still trying to see through the fog that some call cabin fever...which takes on a whole heck of a lot more meaning when the cabin has a fever and small children inside.

Now as the weather is coming back around, I'm cleaning out the winter clothes, and clothes outgrown, and I'm realizing more than just clothing adjustments need to be had as we come into this new season.

It's no longer a simple choice between the park or zoo for the day, but decisions which impacts hold longer than a few hours.

And that's where I'm stuck in the mud. It's just the beginning, I know. As they get older comes more of the above. Worrying if a decision you made for them will play out to their benefit or not. Second guessing, weighing out the options...I may know my child well, but I don't know how he'll act or respond to new situations that aren't what we've been through before.

A whole new world for us to figure out, a whole new chapter to kick off this never ending game of feeling like you've got a good grip on things just for them to change on you. Get all cozy in one stage just in time for you to realize you have to readjust and reinvent.

Oy vey.

Cheers to the challenge...and by that I mean kind of literally...it'd be nice to have something cold to cheers to right now. And curry. I could use some good curry right about now...

Over It

As Caden marches out of the kitchen and into his room where Reid is playing I hear him complain, 'My mom makes me mad.'

1. Reid doesn't care
2. I can hear you
3. Drama king

I limited his snack options to a cheese stick, apple or carrots. So, he hollered 'No! I'm not in the kitchen!' and off he went.

That was maybe five minutes ago, and they've been playing peacefully in his room since. I can hear toys crashing and the mess forming, but I don't hear crying and I don't have a little at my legs with a need so I'm good with it all.

It's funny how this week has played out thus far. I attended an event Sunday, the Fervent tour by Priscilla Shirer, and I think I went into it thinking okay-church and church event in one day, I'm going to be filled and ready to make this week my B.

Errrrr. Jay kay.

The event was good. The week has been good. Nothing to complain about, no kid issues, some extra family time for my dads birthday AND it's only a four day week for me as I head up to KC with my mom, sister and a friend of hers on Friday for the day/night.

So why do I feel so funky? What almost irritates me more than the funk feeling itself is how easy it is to fall into a funk and to dwell in it.

Usually giving the house a good clean makes me feel better, but I haven't made effort to do that, yet.

Usually I realize it's a lack of one on one time in scripture and with God, but I really haven't carved out time for that or plugged in a sermon to fill the gap.

Why do we allow ourselves to sit amongst our rut, look around, take in the crap view and not push ourselves up to climb out?

It's not like we have anything worth wallowing in. I know a handful of stories surrounding us, or friends of ours, that have reason to feel funky.

If anything we have reasons to feel praise and gratitude. Both cars unexpectedly has issues, and costly ones at that, two weeks ago. But that all came pouring down as we got our tax refund, so we didn't have to go into debt for it and that is something to be praised.

We weren't sure what we'd get back in a refund with my job change, but we got more than anticipated, which helped with the car ordeal so that is to be praised.

We had another blessing come up regarding vehicles, so again-praise.

We are a healthy household *knock on wood*-praise. Our jobs are good-praise. Praise here, praise there. No reasons to wallow.

It is my mindset alone that allows me to feel the funk. It is me alone allowing Satan to dwell in my heart and in my head. Maybe just putting this out there will help me take a bigger step towards kicking him out and clearing my mind.

I'm not going to pretend it's all rainbows and sunshine-even if what's going on around us is good and fine, I may still feel otherwise or, well, ungrateful.

But I also won't pretend that it's not me, and try to outsource the attitude problem. I took that route last summer and let me tell you, that was highly unsuccessful and messy.

So, here I am, as I know my time is limited with the two being preoccupied, letting go of my funk.

Pushing that sneaky, manipulative deceiver aside and telling him he's been welcomed for too many days and I am officially now not over it with my days, but over it with his stay. Peace out dude, I know we'll meet again and sooner than I'd like, but I'm moving on for now.

Mean Mommy

It came unexpectedly. There have been much more deserving moments, and maybe that's why it stung a little more.

I wasn't feeling well, we were amidst the balancing act that our evenings sometimes hold, Caden was fighting eating dinner and the last one at the table. It wasn't even amongst the moments of scolding for being ungrateful or warnings of going to bed hungry that happened earlier on. It wasn't in the middle of a dead end toddler argument or in rebuttal of being told no. It was just random.

It was just an empty statement mumbled under his breath as I did dishes. Unknowingly asking what he said and unprepared heard louder four mighty words that just broke me.

You're a mean mommy.

I attempted to push it aside and brush aside a few tears that slipped out, those sneaky little devils, then Gary entered in and placed his hand on my back as I avoided eye contact and then those sneaky little devils didn't sneak, they rolled and roared and I lost it.

I still hid my face away from Caden and gathered myself as I hear 'What makes you cry, mommy?' in a sweet, concerned voice.

Nothing, honey. I'm fine.

Man. There have been so many just moments he could have said that statement and it would have been accurate, at least with his lack of hindsight. But it wasn't. It was random and it sucked.

The sarcastic part in me could have easily said, oh yeah-right, having you not go to bed hungry is being a mean mommy. Sure thing, dude. Just wait-just.you.wait. But not then. I was tired, it was towards the end of the day and it just burnt.

Feeling that made me realize that is exactly what I do in my relationship with God.

Through social media I heard the story of a mom losing her life shortly after having triplets. Leaving behind not only three new littles, but also two other daughters and her husband.

Friends of ours, and acquaintances, have lost babies inside and outside of the womb.

In those moments it's easy for my mind to think, God, you're a mean God. And how unfair of me. How unfair and toddler like is that for me to take one moment and let my understanding outweigh His. Just as Caden's understanding tries to outweigh ours, I am guilty of the same.

Caden doesn't understand that our answering no isn't just for shiz and giggles, or because we can. It varies-safety, health, seeing the bigger picture that he can't. And the battles will just get bigger as he gets older. He think's I'm a mean mom over-I'm assuming since it was out of context-having him eat dinner, then what's he going to think if we disagree with his friend choice or say no to a night out, a car, a girlfriend--who the hey knows.

I don't understand why God allows things to happen that would make Him out to be the bad guy. His 'no' may come in many forms for us. It may be hard, it may bring heartache, it may lead to better things for us and we get to see a great outcome or we may never see the full circle or have closure from it all-but I have to believe His knowledge of why is bigger than mine.

Know that although things may seem unjust and that circumstances waiver our God never does.

You may not see or feel His presence, but are you even looking? Are you choosing to let Satan into your heart and mind and find all the bad, all the hate, all the negative or are you choosing to see the good, the hope, the positive that God has placed amongst the difficult?

Trekking through the desert, standing amid the fire, feeling crushed by the waves--He doesn't promise our lives will be easy but He promises them to be fulfilling, all depending on how you take each day and how you live out your life for Him.

I love my boys. I don't want harm to cross their paths. I don't want to lose them or them to lose us. I want the best for them and more. But I am not the only factor in their lives. They will choose the direction they go and it will be our job to help with guidance if they seek it. We will show them love no matter what.

As that is true for me to my children, as it is from God to His children. Lost, found, wandering, hidden-all.

I may not understand it all. Caden and Reid won't always understand our answers. But sometimes, that's just it and that's where we need to rest and be okay--it isn't for us to understand.

I'm sure I haven't heard those hateful words for the last time, but hopefully, as God has shown me His unconditional love despite my feelings I can in turn show our boys the same.

'We love, because He first loved us.' 1 John 4:19

Search Me

After being challenged by a dangerous prayers Life Church sermon I can officially say I've memorized my first bible verse with intention.

Sure I memorized some as a kid, but only two stick out and are still in my memory bank. I used to always tell myself 'I can do all things through Christ whom strengthens me', but I just had to google it to verify it's origin...Philippians 4:13.

And John 3:16, 'For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life'. If you were raised in the church you most likely know that one. That's as far as my memory verse talents go. Sorry, mom, I know that makes you sigh thinking of all the breakfast devotionals you did with us.

But this new verse is one of strength, one of test, and one that isn't just asking God for help or remembering His promise--this new one is much more than that to me.

'Search me, God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See in my any offensive ways and lead me in the way everlasting.' Psalms 139: 23-24

The sermon goes over four things.

First, search my heart. Asking God to look at you, to search your imperfect heart and see in you where you need Him, and where you haven't been letting Him in.

Second, reveal my fears. Your fear will hold you back from being obedient and what we fear the most reveals where we trust God the least.

Third, uncover my sins. Three questions that help with that are: what are others trying to tell me, what have I rationalized for some time and where am I most defensive? Don't deny the truth, submit to what God shows you; confess to God for forgiveness and confess to people for healing.

Fourth, lead me. Allow God in where you have kept Him out. Let go of control, realize we are more with Him than without Him and know that you need His help, power, grace and freedom.

The pastor encouraged praying this prayer for a week, being consistent and open to how God may respond to your prayer. A personal struggle I have had, and we have had as a couple, has been having faith and trust in our future financially and personally. So, I honestly expected to see God show me ways I could draw Him in more in this area I've been struggling with, that I had been anxious about and not turning to Him for help or guidance.

I prayed this starting Monday afternoon, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Throughout those days nothing drastically stood out so I continued on and wondered how God would use this prayer and my asking to speak to me.

Amongst this week came additional work tasks for Gary, along with him starting another college course and preparing for a big test at the end of March. That all laid some stress upon him, knowing he'd have to bring work and school into our family time and balance it between the time I do my work as well.

I continued with the prayer on Friday, and during that day felt the tug at my heart about wanting to really step it up for him during these next couple of months. Basically, just try to help him have one less thing to worry about during this extra busy time-be it a task with the kids, house, whatever. And I kind of thought-is that it? Is that area, which I honestly struggle with, where God needs me to focus? Meh. Not sure...

Then, Saturday our morning was simple. We had plans to head to the zoo, but had hours to kill before then so I started to give the kids a bath. I quickly stepped out to grab my phone and coffee and saw Gary had set up for work.

Now, bear with me, because my next statement will make me sound selfish and, well, I'll be honest, I think I've always personally struggled with sometimes having a 'what about me?' mantra.

So, my first thought was irritation. We mentioned having to be considerate of the time we both would have to work and planning ahead so we don't step on each others toes, so this set up kind of blindsided me and annoyed me.

But, I went back in and put on a Christian station, looked at the boys playing and it hit me. No exaggeration, a huge wave of peace washed over me and engulfed me. An immense feeling that I need to be okay and go with the flow. When he see's time to set up shop, I need to be the first to stand in support and there is where I need to allow God in to help me.

Because, ashamed to admit it, I will need God's help in this area. It's so easy for me to quickly only see my side of it. I've been with the boys all day-alllll day errrr day. I'm tired. I still have to work. Dinner needs made. YADA FLIPPING YADA. I could find any reason to be irritable about my needs or wants being set aside.

Even now I think, pardon my french, well...damn. This may will be hard.

But I truly feel and believe this is where God needs me and more importantly, this is where I need Him.

I need God to meet me in the middle of my weakness and selfishness. I need God to continue to show me the areas that I rely on myself and fail. I need God's grace, strength and guidance to grow stronger in this area.

I won't master this, I'm sure. I know myself well enough to know that I'm going to need God's help again and again through these areas-but I know my wants and wishes to grow old with this man. To be able to show this quality through our marriage, and through my parenting, and I want to continue to evolve as our years grow. And for me, this is where I need to start to really dig my heals in and dig them in deep.

I encourage you to watch the series I've mentioned. The second one is over asking God to break you and to be honest-that is a 'to be continued one' for me. It scares the crud out of me and I need to pray about what to pray. Because that's not confusing at all....

To put myself aside and to ask God to step in so drastically makes me want to cry, cuddle up with my sweet littles and eat lots of chocolate. It's not an area of comfort, it's not easy, but it's where God has led me so here goes nothing.