Feeding Off Yourself

What. Did you think this was a Walking Dead post? Come on. We all know that that's a sore spot having to wait until September to find out if the speculations towards poor Glenn are true or not...I'm not even going to get into that. I just can't. So. Focus.

Unexplained negative emotions are a tall tell sign towards knowing when your center focus is out of whack. When one thing doesn't go as planned, but is the last trigger that you needed to start the waterworks or pity party.

You know-when your little emotional bottle is full, and the caps on but one turn away from popping off and then something happens that sends it flying-letting the entire bottle geyser up and out. And man, you've been keeping it all in and good for so long but then that disappointment hits and all that hard work doesn't even matter.

After a recent setback, over nothing important even, I found myself having to tell Gary that I needed a minute to regroup. I stepped away into our room, sat my back against the door that won't stay shut well and, luckily, controlled the geyser but let a few tears slip out.

Instantly I was frustrated at why. Why did I let something that had no significant importance rock me to my core enough to have to step away and gather myself back together?

 

Because my hope, my center focus was off. I was putting more on this thing than I had realized. I was letting my self worth ride on the shoulders of this event and I didn't even realize it until I got upset.

 

And how often we do that. Too often we make things bigger than they should be, more important than they are, and let them take precedence over our hearts and minds more than God.

 

I would have proved to myself that I had the ability and strength that I had doubted was in me. I would be able to share the accomplishment with pride.

 

In other words, I would have fed myself with myself and oh how unreliable and insufficient is that source.

 

Something so unimportant unknowingly raced to the top of my attention and stole my center focus.

 

It's so easy and happens so quick. Even good, positive things can easily fall into that negative category taking too much of your attention and taking priority over God. What I tripped on wasn't anything of a negative source, but it still had too much of me in it.

 

As I sat there with my back against the door with the rush of emotions I had to stop and cry out to God confiding in Him that I didn't know why something of this little significance is causing that much disappointment. And then I felt a rush of recognition that I was relying in that specific thing to bring me confidence and joy, and I was putting that above and before God.

 

'When the glories of creation are preferred to the glory of God' John Piper in his devotional on Living in the Light-Money, Sex & Power

 

Here, in this instance I felt like unbeknownst to me I had slipped into darkness with power. Letting the importance of power from other accomplishments trump God.

 

With kids or no kids, spouse or no spouse, rich or poor....this area of struggle is real and it is strong. Don't let Satan steal the joy in things and turn them against you. Stop and realize what has a hold of your heart, your mind, your focus more than it should-more than God-and realign yourself.

 

If you can't put God first and above it, if you can't change the way you approach that relationship or activity towards the positive then get ride of it.

 

Nothing is worth living or wallowing in the dark for. Nothing is worth bringing you down and rocking you to the core. If you put anything or anyone higher than God you will be unstable, you will fall and you will feel the negatives of it.

 

'In darkness we fondle the smooth ebony brooch hanging around our neck--not knowing that in the light we would see it is a cockroach.' John Piper, Living in the Light-Money, Sex & Power

 

I did such, and in a simple, seemingly harmless manner. And I know I will error again and continue to learn and relearn the same lesson in different ways unfortunately--but for now, I'm stronger for being on this side of it and I hope that for someone this speaks to you and helps you in the same.

What my what is

Two things-well, I guess three, have popped up and pushed me to surface of wondering what my what is. What could I be focusing on more, what's my next step as Amanda. Not as a wife or a mom, although I'm sure both titles are bound to intertwine with the independent, but as Amanda. What does God have me here for and how can I not miss out on it.

I know I need to focus on the roles I have been given as a wife and mom and not let those lack attention, but this tug is coming from somewhere...so what to do.

The three happenings: One already spoken of in my last writing about being a change agent, a recent comedic sermon by the funny Michael Jr., and chapter seven in the book The Best Yes.

Change agent. Being willing to step away and out of the normal, dreaming big.

Comedic sermon. You may know what to do, but what gives it power is knowing why you do it and even more strength comes from who you do it for.

Chapter seven. 'You will steer towards where you stare.' Where is your focus-is it stuck on fear and therefor holding you back or are you letting go and trusting in God.

Triple C action. The first I spent time typing about in the last blog, so feel free to recap there. The second I watched today as I pumped iron--a new gig I've been into and man, it's pretty legit. I'm not legit in in, but the mind break/child break and body feel good has been pretty dang sweet...I'm liking it. And I was able to listen to chapter seven today as well.

So, when you feel like things occur more than once, directing you to the same topic and all get you thinking towards the same question--maybe it's about time to open a new can of worms? Except not worms. Those are gross and slimy. A new can of oreos nom nom nom...but, my iron pumping self should probably say chocolate peanut butter protein bars...they have cans of those somewhere, right!?

Focus, ya'll.

For real, though. It's come to my attention that I just feel like I'm not doing enough personally. Finally initiating carving out time for myself at the gym has felt good. Please, Lord, don't let this now talking about it jinx me into my previous yo-yo cycles towards this area. It's been a good while since I've positively invested in my own self, mentally and physically.

And although I'm not saying lets be self centered here, I'm all for selflessness and servanthood, BUT I am suggesting that the more you put yourself last the less you'll have to give. And I'm tired of running on E here.

I know our life is busy. Our schedule and days don't allow much to be added in, but I also know that if we don't prioritize and organize how we are spending our time we'll miss out on opportunities that God has desired us to be in.

What am I crowding my days and time with? How am I making a difference? Why did God give me the passions and abilities that He has given me-more importantly how am I, or am I not, using those in the best way to share His love?

I question myself so much. I fear putting myself out there to fall, to be mocked, to look a fool. The more you put yourself out there-the higher standard you may be held to---and sometimes I don't want a dang standard to adjust to at all nonetheless a high one. That's a silly statement, that's what can keep you in check Uh-Man-Duh. Geez.

But what is my motive and what is my reasoning. How am I clearing my mind and time to listen to Gods directions. I am far from perfect, so how can I turn to trust in God and be willing to let Him use my imperfections.

This is my start. I can only think thus far to pray over my wondering-unsure of what really it would lead to. Knowing our plates are full, but knowing that maybe they need to be rearranged. I'm just not sure on what my what is, but I am sure that God doesn't lead you up to certain things multiple times just for...see, here's where the higher standard would bum me out because what goes perfectly right there, before those three dots, is 'shits and giggles', but uh-should I say that? Well. I just did.

Here's to putting aside the fear of failure, of shining light on imperfections, and of openly giving God the go ahead and activate my trust fall. One.Two.Three...fly or fall, trust God through it all.

Is that a new hashtag, or just the corniest saying ever? Probably the latter...dang it. Can I blame Lysa Terkeurst for the motivation to say that-yet that would go against her steps towards making decisions, one being owning your decision and it was me, not her, after all who chose not to delete the above and act like it never sneaked itself out over my keyboard.

Dream and Go.

'Please dream for those who've given up, for those who've never tried

Please use your dreams to make new dreams for all the dreams that died'

I was introduced to Dallas Clayton's books this past December as my sister gifted a few of them to our boys. The above, and what will be below, is from his book An Awesome Book! His books are creative, cute, and have a big message-somewhat out of reach for Caden's mind, but I do believe impacting even if just currently in a smaller way at this age.

He has one about love, An Awesome Book of Love, I dare you to try and get through reading without the build up of tears.

But, what brought me to want to share and tie in this particular book today was a message regarding hope. It's a part of a Newspring series, this one was about change agents and going over the part in Ruth's story where she stood against the normal and took a step towards positive change.

Throughout this sermon the following points were brought up...

-There is no hope without change, and no change without a change agent...How to be a change agent?
>Sense that normal isn't right. We gage normal by what we know best, basically what we grow up knowing or was a constant in our life growing up, and to make change you must step out of your normal-business as usual-and see where things are wrong
>Step into the difficulty. You can run way, stay a safe distance and offer opinion, OR get into the arena and take action
>Take the first available right step. The first right step may not give you a straight glimpse to the finish line you are working towards--but this also goes back to the message of taking each day as it comes. Take the step that is right and that is now, instead of dwelling and worrying about how it will play out to your ideal future imagery

And, to start to bring a connection...
>Dream things that never were. Optimists are contagious.

'Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not?' George Bernard Shaw

If your marriage, if your relationship with your kids, if your future outlook, if your relationship with God----if it isn't working. If it feels broken. If you can't get it right---then GO.

Take the time to acknowledge the broken normal. Take the step into the arena to fight for better. Take the first right step that comes your way. Take the risk, and DREAM.

'Dream a dream as big as big could ever dream to be. Then dream a dream ten times as big as that one dream you see. And once you've got that dream in mind please dream a million more, and not a million quiet dreams, a million dreams that ROAR'

What would you do if you could pursue your dream? What seems out of reach? What could you fix if you take the time to be a change agent and make a change?

Why did Ruth believe in things she hadn't seen? She was raised in a horrible place, but it was her normal. BUT SHE DID NOT SETTLE. She stepped away and she dreamed big and she acted on it.

Ruth 1:16 '...your God will be my God.' 

Ruth believed in things she hadn't seen, because she chose God. She chose to have a viewpoint as big as He is-and in that there are no boundaries to His capabilities.

If you step out of your normal-if you acknowledge what isn't working and change the culture in which it is broken you will find hope.

Make way for the change. Take the first right step, even if you don't see the finish line within it. Trust in God and His capabilities. Quit limiting Him, and quit limiting what He can do within you.

Let Him fill you to the max in your strength to be the best you for yourself, for your family, for His purpose. If there is something that you've dreamt of, step out of your normal and GO. Get it. Carve out the time for yourself to follow your dreams and let God work through you.

He has bigger plans for you than your normal has made you believe. If only we would all shake loose of our normal, robotic mindset...if only I would listen better to my own words.

Today-how can you start to reform an area of broken normal culture that you are holding onto?

'I'm Dreaming about everything thing that no one thought to wonder...'cause your the one whose dreams can be whatever dreams you want...so when you think your dreaming's done just remember what I said

Close your eyes, my child, and dream that perfect dream inside your head.'

The not-so-golden golden rule

No. I am not writing this as I sit in the car, in our driveway, with our youngest asleep in the back....listen. You do what you have to sometimes. I should've grabbed a piece of sponge candy...

So-focus now. What is the golden rule? Treat others how you want to be treated.

I've already been spewing this out with Caden, almost in second nature, asking him if he would like it if his friend hit him, or threw a toy at him, or yada yada punk kid tendencies. Of course, he answers no. So then I follow saying something along the lines of if we wouldn't like it, and if it's not nice, then we shouldn't do it to others.

And, for the most part, especially at that age, that's a good way to start implementing the golden rule. Or at least the basic concept of the golden rule...because, I'm now aware and a newfound believer in the idea that the golden rule isn't so golden once your grow up.

It's a great learning block to build on, but life gets much more complex than that when we get older and start taking on more serious relationships and responsibilities. Be it with a spouse, children, friends, co-workers, boss, etcetera, etcetera.

But this week, for the first time, I heard someone knock down the golden rule. For the life of me I cannot recall if I heard it via sermon or via KLove, but I heard it and it stuck, happily so.

The golden rule is good. Treat others how you want to be treated. But the issue with that is not everyone wants to be treated as you would.

Unfortunately, I can't just get by with treating Gary how I would want to be treated. I respond to things differently than he does, I expect different reactions and results, and I work through issues-wait for it-differently.

Most of us do, and I think that is where we have our problem. If he is upset or has a difficult situation he's going through and I treat him how I would want to be treated I would-and whoops, often do- try to talk it through, think it over and over and over, hammer it out and fix it the best I can--and that is not how he operates.

We have to think and strive for much deeper than how we want to be treated by imaginatively putting ourselves in the shoes of others. Acknowledging what speaks to them. What they take as positive love and support. What helps them in times of need.

Because what helps us, what speaks love to us, what we like is not always true to others. This point, wherever it really came from, reiterated that if you wake up thinking of what the other person would like instead of what you would like then everyone can benefit from that.

It's not in our nature to stop and think of others thoughts or desires before our own. It's something that we have to, and need to, purposefully make the effort to do sometimes, but it is worth the effort. It is worth it to those you are doing it for and it is worth it to you as well.

When Gary is stressed or overwhelmed, he doesn't need to talk it over and over and over or a fix-it solution. He needs to process it on his own, he needs support and love shown sometimes through space and silence. He doesn't work through things like I do, and that's hard for me to remember and relate to sometimes, but once I can get on the same page as him after I make the effort and support him in ways that best helps him-not me-it makes a huge difference on many levels.

If this is something that can strengthen my marriage, my parenting, my friendships then sign me up. We need all the help we can get sometimes, and this is such a simple switch in thought process, but sometimes just so hard to refocus and realign to.

So keep the golden rule for basics, but reprioritize your thoughts to aim higher than that and treat others how they want to be treated.

This too shall pass

I am so glad that the good outweighs the bad. I know there are many cases in which this is hard to see or agree to, but personally this is true for me.

It will depend on the day you ask me, shocker. Probably even depend at what point in the day you ask me--all together in this stage, for me, it is easier to focus and dwell on the difficult, the tiring, the repetitive.

Yet amongst it all-when God shines light on the good, fueling us for our purpose and reminding us of the bigger picture-man, does he shine bright and I am SO thankful for that.

Whether in my life, or being able to see it through others, it is so refreshing.

God has worked through Caden and my relationship this week for the better. Not saying it wont still fluctuate, because I know it will, but I would be remiss to only share the gloom and not the glory.

We initiated a schedule, and it has been good for us both. It hasn't been a set in stone deal and it still changes day of hence the choice of magnet strips for each piece, but it has helped us thus far, so I'm a fan.

Structure isn't only good for the little ones, it's sometimes what we all need. To hold ourselves accountable. To not just fall on being lazy, or thinking of our own needs and wants. That is, unless you're on the beach with a mai tai, erase all structure and zone out. But, sadly, that is not our current location.

Along with our new agenda, I started to work on the letter A with Caden this week, in attempts to do a letter a week.

At first, I was rolling my eyes thinking this is for the birds. But, as if to prove against my thoughts that instant results are realistic, it took all week for the heavens to open and sing sweet praises and see real connection and progress.

He first fought me on a few things. He got irritated quick to my corrections, or just frustrated in general from who knows what-not me, still lost on some of those. But that was more the first two days.

The third day was better-so much that at our church small group I didn't even have a prayer request to list but a praise that finally we had a good day-maybe I'd even say a great day-after about a week and a half of just on and off battles that had drained me completely.

Only twelve minutes into a Love and Logic dvd, a little added structure, some afternoon structure and giving into the forfeited naps and FOLKS--WE HAVE PROGRESS!!

I would be doing backflips right now if I could. I was one blink away from shedding tears over our letter 'A' activities today. Joy and pride are here in place of what was exhaustion and defeat and THAT is praise worthy-so here I am. Wanting to share the good, and not just the bad.

Wanting to remind anyone, and selfishly myself, that on the good days rejoice it all and on the bad days take a deep breath, gather and regroup and remember-as someone once said to me while I had tired eyes holding a baby Caden-this too shall pass. *amen, amen, amen*