Doubt It

Doubt crept in and ate me whole the last week.

Through thoughts of inadequacy in myself, in our future plans, in my faith. One little thought here or there, and they just harvest on each other growing faster than I can keep up with.

Maybe I fluctuate more than normal, maybe I don't, but I feel like it's hard to keep the mojo good and strong these days. I feel like I'm in a groove of posting 'hey, I'm funky yet again, but don't worry God is cool and has pulled me out of the funk yet again, so check it out'-and maybe that's the case, maybe it's more played up in my mind (feel free to visit overthinking blog to validate that...), but either way, the last week went a lot like this...

It started out small. Doubting myself, and us as a couple, to be capable of leading a small bible study. Gary has lots of knowledge, I have a good amount of passion-he helps me stay grounded and I help encourage him-so surely the two could mix well to lead and help each other make up for areas where we feel we aren't enough on our own...but not sure. So, doubt.

That small personal doubt, religion and self based, planted a seed that grew into doubt in my faith. Do I believe the stuff I'm saying? I struggle and have my own unanswered questions I struggle with, how does that make me adequate to lead others? So, doubt.

That medium doubt runs quick and wild like a college kid to an eighteen to enter bar. It runs, it jumps, it leaps and grabs hold of things in big and small ways. Doubts towards being a good wife, patient mother, capable 'stay at home', yada.yada.yada.

If I could draw a picture of doubt it would be an innocent bunny. Cute, cuddly, and seemingly not harmful until it first takes a nibble at your finger. Then poops all over your house, stinking up your biz. Then, as a bonus 'thank you for letting me in' it bites you in the butt. Regret reading this far? well, too late-better stick with it.

Then, God showed up in MULTIPLE ways. m-u-l-t-i-p-l-e ways, people.

• We powered through the inadequate feelings and the small bible study went great. Better than we could have planned.
• A reminder shared from a friend out of her Jesus Calling study book, 'Instead of letting difficulties draw you into worrying, try to view them as setting the scene for My glorious intervention. Keep your eyes and your mind wide open to all that I am doing in your life.'
• Started up with an app called First 5 and the first was titled 'We Don't Have to Doubt Him'. Um, hello! It continued to be spot on, and still does, as it goes over Exodus and the story of Moses.
• A friend of my sisters sent me an article 'When Satan Steals Your Motherhood', intertwining with the mom doubts I house too often.
• Sermon series at our church about standing strong-the story of Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego
• Watched the last of a series in a Life Church message on 'When God Doesn't Make Sense-When God Doesn't Seem Cooperative' and how when we aren't getting the answers we anticipate, or what we think we need to have or to have happen, that God is showing us what we need is Him. Not the outcome or thing we want, but Him. To rest in His grace alone and find peace in that.

As Moses felt inadequate to deliver the message 'Let my people go' to Pharaoh, we felt inadequate to lead our group.

As Pharaoh hardened his heart towards God, despite the blunt signs he was given, I too had been hardening my heart towards God in opposition all the while sitting amongst many unmistakable sign God had placed in my path to shout I AM HERE, I LOVE YOU, BE OKAY WITH THAT-LET THAT BE ENOUGH!

As I was focusing on what I think I needed, the outcome I thought would fit best, I was ignoring God. I was feeling that I was the one in control, that I knew best and I was doubting in His will, His way, His power.

You can choose to go about each day and see yourself as in control, as the one who has a say in everything, and choose to ignore the bigger purpose you have been given. You can choose to allow doubt in, allow it to harvest in you in multiple ways, and allow it to rule your life and judgment.

Or. You can choose to acknowledge the strength and wisdom that God has and that He shares with us. You can choose to see the many ways He reminds of us that daily-in ways that are not of our own plan or desires.

You can choose to not let the doubt in, not let it harvest, and not let it eat you whole and rob you of finding joy in your days, in your life, and in your purpose.

Stand back doubt, I am working hard to overcome you in more ways than one and will not ignore the signs God has placed throughout my days, how He is working throughout those in my life all to show me His love and to remind me of His grace, His glory and His strength.