Over It

As Caden marches out of the kitchen and into his room where Reid is playing I hear him complain, 'My mom makes me mad.'

1. Reid doesn't care
2. I can hear you
3. Drama king

I limited his snack options to a cheese stick, apple or carrots. So, he hollered 'No! I'm not in the kitchen!' and off he went.

That was maybe five minutes ago, and they've been playing peacefully in his room since. I can hear toys crashing and the mess forming, but I don't hear crying and I don't have a little at my legs with a need so I'm good with it all.

It's funny how this week has played out thus far. I attended an event Sunday, the Fervent tour by Priscilla Shirer, and I think I went into it thinking okay-church and church event in one day, I'm going to be filled and ready to make this week my B.

Errrrr. Jay kay.

The event was good. The week has been good. Nothing to complain about, no kid issues, some extra family time for my dads birthday AND it's only a four day week for me as I head up to KC with my mom, sister and a friend of hers on Friday for the day/night.

So why do I feel so funky? What almost irritates me more than the funk feeling itself is how easy it is to fall into a funk and to dwell in it.

Usually giving the house a good clean makes me feel better, but I haven't made effort to do that, yet.

Usually I realize it's a lack of one on one time in scripture and with God, but I really haven't carved out time for that or plugged in a sermon to fill the gap.

Why do we allow ourselves to sit amongst our rut, look around, take in the crap view and not push ourselves up to climb out?

It's not like we have anything worth wallowing in. I know a handful of stories surrounding us, or friends of ours, that have reason to feel funky.

If anything we have reasons to feel praise and gratitude. Both cars unexpectedly has issues, and costly ones at that, two weeks ago. But that all came pouring down as we got our tax refund, so we didn't have to go into debt for it and that is something to be praised.

We weren't sure what we'd get back in a refund with my job change, but we got more than anticipated, which helped with the car ordeal so that is to be praised.

We had another blessing come up regarding vehicles, so again-praise.

We are a healthy household *knock on wood*-praise. Our jobs are good-praise. Praise here, praise there. No reasons to wallow.

It is my mindset alone that allows me to feel the funk. It is me alone allowing Satan to dwell in my heart and in my head. Maybe just putting this out there will help me take a bigger step towards kicking him out and clearing my mind.

I'm not going to pretend it's all rainbows and sunshine-even if what's going on around us is good and fine, I may still feel otherwise or, well, ungrateful.

But I also won't pretend that it's not me, and try to outsource the attitude problem. I took that route last summer and let me tell you, that was highly unsuccessful and messy.

So, here I am, as I know my time is limited with the two being preoccupied, letting go of my funk.

Pushing that sneaky, manipulative deceiver aside and telling him he's been welcomed for too many days and I am officially now not over it with my days, but over it with his stay. Peace out dude, I know we'll meet again and sooner than I'd like, but I'm moving on for now.

Mean Mommy

It came unexpectedly. There have been much more deserving moments, and maybe that's why it stung a little more.

I wasn't feeling well, we were amidst the balancing act that our evenings sometimes hold, Caden was fighting eating dinner and the last one at the table. It wasn't even amongst the moments of scolding for being ungrateful or warnings of going to bed hungry that happened earlier on. It wasn't in the middle of a dead end toddler argument or in rebuttal of being told no. It was just random.

It was just an empty statement mumbled under his breath as I did dishes. Unknowingly asking what he said and unprepared heard louder four mighty words that just broke me.

You're a mean mommy.

I attempted to push it aside and brush aside a few tears that slipped out, those sneaky little devils, then Gary entered in and placed his hand on my back as I avoided eye contact and then those sneaky little devils didn't sneak, they rolled and roared and I lost it.

I still hid my face away from Caden and gathered myself as I hear 'What makes you cry, mommy?' in a sweet, concerned voice.

Nothing, honey. I'm fine.

Man. There have been so many just moments he could have said that statement and it would have been accurate, at least with his lack of hindsight. But it wasn't. It was random and it sucked.

The sarcastic part in me could have easily said, oh yeah-right, having you not go to bed hungry is being a mean mommy. Sure thing, dude. Just wait-just.you.wait. But not then. I was tired, it was towards the end of the day and it just burnt.

Feeling that made me realize that is exactly what I do in my relationship with God.

Through social media I heard the story of a mom losing her life shortly after having triplets. Leaving behind not only three new littles, but also two other daughters and her husband.

Friends of ours, and acquaintances, have lost babies inside and outside of the womb.

In those moments it's easy for my mind to think, God, you're a mean God. And how unfair of me. How unfair and toddler like is that for me to take one moment and let my understanding outweigh His. Just as Caden's understanding tries to outweigh ours, I am guilty of the same.

Caden doesn't understand that our answering no isn't just for shiz and giggles, or because we can. It varies-safety, health, seeing the bigger picture that he can't. And the battles will just get bigger as he gets older. He think's I'm a mean mom over-I'm assuming since it was out of context-having him eat dinner, then what's he going to think if we disagree with his friend choice or say no to a night out, a car, a girlfriend--who the hey knows.

I don't understand why God allows things to happen that would make Him out to be the bad guy. His 'no' may come in many forms for us. It may be hard, it may bring heartache, it may lead to better things for us and we get to see a great outcome or we may never see the full circle or have closure from it all-but I have to believe His knowledge of why is bigger than mine.

Know that although things may seem unjust and that circumstances waiver our God never does.

You may not see or feel His presence, but are you even looking? Are you choosing to let Satan into your heart and mind and find all the bad, all the hate, all the negative or are you choosing to see the good, the hope, the positive that God has placed amongst the difficult?

Trekking through the desert, standing amid the fire, feeling crushed by the waves--He doesn't promise our lives will be easy but He promises them to be fulfilling, all depending on how you take each day and how you live out your life for Him.

I love my boys. I don't want harm to cross their paths. I don't want to lose them or them to lose us. I want the best for them and more. But I am not the only factor in their lives. They will choose the direction they go and it will be our job to help with guidance if they seek it. We will show them love no matter what.

As that is true for me to my children, as it is from God to His children. Lost, found, wandering, hidden-all.

I may not understand it all. Caden and Reid won't always understand our answers. But sometimes, that's just it and that's where we need to rest and be okay--it isn't for us to understand.

I'm sure I haven't heard those hateful words for the last time, but hopefully, as God has shown me His unconditional love despite my feelings I can in turn show our boys the same.

'We love, because He first loved us.' 1 John 4:19

Search Me

After being challenged by a dangerous prayers Life Church sermon I can officially say I've memorized my first bible verse with intention.

Sure I memorized some as a kid, but only two stick out and are still in my memory bank. I used to always tell myself 'I can do all things through Christ whom strengthens me', but I just had to google it to verify it's origin...Philippians 4:13.

And John 3:16, 'For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life'. If you were raised in the church you most likely know that one. That's as far as my memory verse talents go. Sorry, mom, I know that makes you sigh thinking of all the breakfast devotionals you did with us.

But this new verse is one of strength, one of test, and one that isn't just asking God for help or remembering His promise--this new one is much more than that to me.

'Search me, God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See in my any offensive ways and lead me in the way everlasting.' Psalms 139: 23-24

The sermon goes over four things.

First, search my heart. Asking God to look at you, to search your imperfect heart and see in you where you need Him, and where you haven't been letting Him in.

Second, reveal my fears. Your fear will hold you back from being obedient and what we fear the most reveals where we trust God the least.

Third, uncover my sins. Three questions that help with that are: what are others trying to tell me, what have I rationalized for some time and where am I most defensive? Don't deny the truth, submit to what God shows you; confess to God for forgiveness and confess to people for healing.

Fourth, lead me. Allow God in where you have kept Him out. Let go of control, realize we are more with Him than without Him and know that you need His help, power, grace and freedom.

The pastor encouraged praying this prayer for a week, being consistent and open to how God may respond to your prayer. A personal struggle I have had, and we have had as a couple, has been having faith and trust in our future financially and personally. So, I honestly expected to see God show me ways I could draw Him in more in this area I've been struggling with, that I had been anxious about and not turning to Him for help or guidance.

I prayed this starting Monday afternoon, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Throughout those days nothing drastically stood out so I continued on and wondered how God would use this prayer and my asking to speak to me.

Amongst this week came additional work tasks for Gary, along with him starting another college course and preparing for a big test at the end of March. That all laid some stress upon him, knowing he'd have to bring work and school into our family time and balance it between the time I do my work as well.

I continued with the prayer on Friday, and during that day felt the tug at my heart about wanting to really step it up for him during these next couple of months. Basically, just try to help him have one less thing to worry about during this extra busy time-be it a task with the kids, house, whatever. And I kind of thought-is that it? Is that area, which I honestly struggle with, where God needs me to focus? Meh. Not sure...

Then, Saturday our morning was simple. We had plans to head to the zoo, but had hours to kill before then so I started to give the kids a bath. I quickly stepped out to grab my phone and coffee and saw Gary had set up for work.

Now, bear with me, because my next statement will make me sound selfish and, well, I'll be honest, I think I've always personally struggled with sometimes having a 'what about me?' mantra.

So, my first thought was irritation. We mentioned having to be considerate of the time we both would have to work and planning ahead so we don't step on each others toes, so this set up kind of blindsided me and annoyed me.

But, I went back in and put on a Christian station, looked at the boys playing and it hit me. No exaggeration, a huge wave of peace washed over me and engulfed me. An immense feeling that I need to be okay and go with the flow. When he see's time to set up shop, I need to be the first to stand in support and there is where I need to allow God in to help me.

Because, ashamed to admit it, I will need God's help in this area. It's so easy for me to quickly only see my side of it. I've been with the boys all day-alllll day errrr day. I'm tired. I still have to work. Dinner needs made. YADA FLIPPING YADA. I could find any reason to be irritable about my needs or wants being set aside.

Even now I think, pardon my french, well...damn. This may will be hard.

But I truly feel and believe this is where God needs me and more importantly, this is where I need Him.

I need God to meet me in the middle of my weakness and selfishness. I need God to continue to show me the areas that I rely on myself and fail. I need God's grace, strength and guidance to grow stronger in this area.

I won't master this, I'm sure. I know myself well enough to know that I'm going to need God's help again and again through these areas-but I know my wants and wishes to grow old with this man. To be able to show this quality through our marriage, and through my parenting, and I want to continue to evolve as our years grow. And for me, this is where I need to start to really dig my heals in and dig them in deep.

I encourage you to watch the series I've mentioned. The second one is over asking God to break you and to be honest-that is a 'to be continued one' for me. It scares the crud out of me and I need to pray about what to pray. Because that's not confusing at all....

To put myself aside and to ask God to step in so drastically makes me want to cry, cuddle up with my sweet littles and eat lots of chocolate. It's not an area of comfort, it's not easy, but it's where God has led me so here goes nothing.

Finding Peace Amongst the Quiet

Since the start of our relationship Gary and I have had things to look forward to. First year of dating; engagement with wedding shortly after; a year of new home, new marriage, new jobs; pregnancy of our first son; Caden's birth and journey into new parenthood for a year and a half then pregnancy of our second son; birth and journey into parenthood to two littles and now here we are.

This year has things happening and planned-but as for our personal life, no new happenings. It's a year that's planned around simplicity as we close in on meeting our debt pay off goals. So close, yet not there yet. Being able to see the end in sight, yet having to be still and patient just a bit longer and wait furthermore to see some reward in our persistency.

And it kills me.

I am just at a loss not having something major to look forward to. To be faced with living amongst the mundane.

Caden and Reid make our days anything but mundane, that isn't to describe them. It's the work, raise boys, do your thing, make meals, sneak in adult time, work again, raise the boys some more....set on repeat.

I tell myself, and I know, that all of that is enough. But what do you do when you find yourself feeling stuck or without a long-term, bigger purpose?

I am choosing to take this time and appreciate it's slower pace. As much as it bugs me to not have an event or happening to look forward to, I really think it's what I need. What we need.

Too often have we let the busy fill our schedule. Too often have I counted on an upcoming new thing to give me something to look forward to. Too often have I discredited the now and the present because I simply continue to look ahead.

I feel like God is surrounding me with a quiet year, a quiet plan, in order to show me all that He really has done. For me to stop and see where He has me, and not continue to look past that at where I want to be.

I love where we are at and I need to be content in that and soak it all up. The boys are so young, which makes some of the days harder, but these days will be gone before I know it. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around how quick Caden has grown and matured-before I blink Reid will be there, which means Caden will be even further along in age...and attitude.

If God lined it all up to make me available to be here with them, then I also believes he's lined it all up to have this be a quiet year so that I don't have the option to look past and beyond where He has us.

I am constantly thinking weeks, months, years out and that only leads to missing out on the little moments of the day. Moments He has placed there for a reason. Moments He needs to speak through and needs me to see.

Amongst this simplistic, 'quiet' year, even if I struggle amongst the mundane, I will choose to focus on growth. Growth in my vision and respect of my marriage, my boys, and my relationship with God.

It's not often you are stuck in the simplistic. I would be remiss not simmer in it. So, raise your third cup of coffee (I kid; one cup gives me the shakes), and cheers to finding peace amongst the quiet.

Doubt It

Doubt crept in and ate me whole the last week.

Through thoughts of inadequacy in myself, in our future plans, in my faith. One little thought here or there, and they just harvest on each other growing faster than I can keep up with.

Maybe I fluctuate more than normal, maybe I don't, but I feel like it's hard to keep the mojo good and strong these days. I feel like I'm in a groove of posting 'hey, I'm funky yet again, but don't worry God is cool and has pulled me out of the funk yet again, so check it out'-and maybe that's the case, maybe it's more played up in my mind (feel free to visit overthinking blog to validate that...), but either way, the last week went a lot like this...

It started out small. Doubting myself, and us as a couple, to be capable of leading a small bible study. Gary has lots of knowledge, I have a good amount of passion-he helps me stay grounded and I help encourage him-so surely the two could mix well to lead and help each other make up for areas where we feel we aren't enough on our own...but not sure. So, doubt.

That small personal doubt, religion and self based, planted a seed that grew into doubt in my faith. Do I believe the stuff I'm saying? I struggle and have my own unanswered questions I struggle with, how does that make me adequate to lead others? So, doubt.

That medium doubt runs quick and wild like a college kid to an eighteen to enter bar. It runs, it jumps, it leaps and grabs hold of things in big and small ways. Doubts towards being a good wife, patient mother, capable 'stay at home', yada.yada.yada.

If I could draw a picture of doubt it would be an innocent bunny. Cute, cuddly, and seemingly not harmful until it first takes a nibble at your finger. Then poops all over your house, stinking up your biz. Then, as a bonus 'thank you for letting me in' it bites you in the butt. Regret reading this far? well, too late-better stick with it.

Then, God showed up in MULTIPLE ways. m-u-l-t-i-p-l-e ways, people.

• We powered through the inadequate feelings and the small bible study went great. Better than we could have planned.
• A reminder shared from a friend out of her Jesus Calling study book, 'Instead of letting difficulties draw you into worrying, try to view them as setting the scene for My glorious intervention. Keep your eyes and your mind wide open to all that I am doing in your life.'
• Started up with an app called First 5 and the first was titled 'We Don't Have to Doubt Him'. Um, hello! It continued to be spot on, and still does, as it goes over Exodus and the story of Moses.
• A friend of my sisters sent me an article 'When Satan Steals Your Motherhood', intertwining with the mom doubts I house too often.
• Sermon series at our church about standing strong-the story of Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego
• Watched the last of a series in a Life Church message on 'When God Doesn't Make Sense-When God Doesn't Seem Cooperative' and how when we aren't getting the answers we anticipate, or what we think we need to have or to have happen, that God is showing us what we need is Him. Not the outcome or thing we want, but Him. To rest in His grace alone and find peace in that.

As Moses felt inadequate to deliver the message 'Let my people go' to Pharaoh, we felt inadequate to lead our group.

As Pharaoh hardened his heart towards God, despite the blunt signs he was given, I too had been hardening my heart towards God in opposition all the while sitting amongst many unmistakable sign God had placed in my path to shout I AM HERE, I LOVE YOU, BE OKAY WITH THAT-LET THAT BE ENOUGH!

As I was focusing on what I think I needed, the outcome I thought would fit best, I was ignoring God. I was feeling that I was the one in control, that I knew best and I was doubting in His will, His way, His power.

You can choose to go about each day and see yourself as in control, as the one who has a say in everything, and choose to ignore the bigger purpose you have been given. You can choose to allow doubt in, allow it to harvest in you in multiple ways, and allow it to rule your life and judgment.

Or. You can choose to acknowledge the strength and wisdom that God has and that He shares with us. You can choose to see the many ways He reminds of us that daily-in ways that are not of our own plan or desires.

You can choose to not let the doubt in, not let it harvest, and not let it eat you whole and rob you of finding joy in your days, in your life, and in your purpose.

Stand back doubt, I am working hard to overcome you in more ways than one and will not ignore the signs God has placed throughout my days, how He is working throughout those in my life all to show me His love and to remind me of His grace, His glory and His strength.