Over It

As Caden marches out of the kitchen and into his room where Reid is playing I hear him complain, 'My mom makes me mad.'

1. Reid doesn't care
2. I can hear you
3. Drama king

I limited his snack options to a cheese stick, apple or carrots. So, he hollered 'No! I'm not in the kitchen!' and off he went.

That was maybe five minutes ago, and they've been playing peacefully in his room since. I can hear toys crashing and the mess forming, but I don't hear crying and I don't have a little at my legs with a need so I'm good with it all.

It's funny how this week has played out thus far. I attended an event Sunday, the Fervent tour by Priscilla Shirer, and I think I went into it thinking okay-church and church event in one day, I'm going to be filled and ready to make this week my B.

Errrrr. Jay kay.

The event was good. The week has been good. Nothing to complain about, no kid issues, some extra family time for my dads birthday AND it's only a four day week for me as I head up to KC with my mom, sister and a friend of hers on Friday for the day/night.

So why do I feel so funky? What almost irritates me more than the funk feeling itself is how easy it is to fall into a funk and to dwell in it.

Usually giving the house a good clean makes me feel better, but I haven't made effort to do that, yet.

Usually I realize it's a lack of one on one time in scripture and with God, but I really haven't carved out time for that or plugged in a sermon to fill the gap.

Why do we allow ourselves to sit amongst our rut, look around, take in the crap view and not push ourselves up to climb out?

It's not like we have anything worth wallowing in. I know a handful of stories surrounding us, or friends of ours, that have reason to feel funky.

If anything we have reasons to feel praise and gratitude. Both cars unexpectedly has issues, and costly ones at that, two weeks ago. But that all came pouring down as we got our tax refund, so we didn't have to go into debt for it and that is something to be praised.

We weren't sure what we'd get back in a refund with my job change, but we got more than anticipated, which helped with the car ordeal so that is to be praised.

We had another blessing come up regarding vehicles, so again-praise.

We are a healthy household *knock on wood*-praise. Our jobs are good-praise. Praise here, praise there. No reasons to wallow.

It is my mindset alone that allows me to feel the funk. It is me alone allowing Satan to dwell in my heart and in my head. Maybe just putting this out there will help me take a bigger step towards kicking him out and clearing my mind.

I'm not going to pretend it's all rainbows and sunshine-even if what's going on around us is good and fine, I may still feel otherwise or, well, ungrateful.

But I also won't pretend that it's not me, and try to outsource the attitude problem. I took that route last summer and let me tell you, that was highly unsuccessful and messy.

So, here I am, as I know my time is limited with the two being preoccupied, letting go of my funk.

Pushing that sneaky, manipulative deceiver aside and telling him he's been welcomed for too many days and I am officially now not over it with my days, but over it with his stay. Peace out dude, I know we'll meet again and sooner than I'd like, but I'm moving on for now.

Mean Mommy

It came unexpectedly. There have been much more deserving moments, and maybe that's why it stung a little more.

I wasn't feeling well, we were amidst the balancing act that our evenings sometimes hold, Caden was fighting eating dinner and the last one at the table. It wasn't even amongst the moments of scolding for being ungrateful or warnings of going to bed hungry that happened earlier on. It wasn't in the middle of a dead end toddler argument or in rebuttal of being told no. It was just random.

It was just an empty statement mumbled under his breath as I did dishes. Unknowingly asking what he said and unprepared heard louder four mighty words that just broke me.

You're a mean mommy.

I attempted to push it aside and brush aside a few tears that slipped out, those sneaky little devils, then Gary entered in and placed his hand on my back as I avoided eye contact and then those sneaky little devils didn't sneak, they rolled and roared and I lost it.

I still hid my face away from Caden and gathered myself as I hear 'What makes you cry, mommy?' in a sweet, concerned voice.

Nothing, honey. I'm fine.

Man. There have been so many just moments he could have said that statement and it would have been accurate, at least with his lack of hindsight. But it wasn't. It was random and it sucked.

The sarcastic part in me could have easily said, oh yeah-right, having you not go to bed hungry is being a mean mommy. Sure thing, dude. Just wait-just.you.wait. But not then. I was tired, it was towards the end of the day and it just burnt.

Feeling that made me realize that is exactly what I do in my relationship with God.

Through social media I heard the story of a mom losing her life shortly after having triplets. Leaving behind not only three new littles, but also two other daughters and her husband.

Friends of ours, and acquaintances, have lost babies inside and outside of the womb.

In those moments it's easy for my mind to think, God, you're a mean God. And how unfair of me. How unfair and toddler like is that for me to take one moment and let my understanding outweigh His. Just as Caden's understanding tries to outweigh ours, I am guilty of the same.

Caden doesn't understand that our answering no isn't just for shiz and giggles, or because we can. It varies-safety, health, seeing the bigger picture that he can't. And the battles will just get bigger as he gets older. He think's I'm a mean mom over-I'm assuming since it was out of context-having him eat dinner, then what's he going to think if we disagree with his friend choice or say no to a night out, a car, a girlfriend--who the hey knows.

I don't understand why God allows things to happen that would make Him out to be the bad guy. His 'no' may come in many forms for us. It may be hard, it may bring heartache, it may lead to better things for us and we get to see a great outcome or we may never see the full circle or have closure from it all-but I have to believe His knowledge of why is bigger than mine.

Know that although things may seem unjust and that circumstances waiver our God never does.

You may not see or feel His presence, but are you even looking? Are you choosing to let Satan into your heart and mind and find all the bad, all the hate, all the negative or are you choosing to see the good, the hope, the positive that God has placed amongst the difficult?

Trekking through the desert, standing amid the fire, feeling crushed by the waves--He doesn't promise our lives will be easy but He promises them to be fulfilling, all depending on how you take each day and how you live out your life for Him.

I love my boys. I don't want harm to cross their paths. I don't want to lose them or them to lose us. I want the best for them and more. But I am not the only factor in their lives. They will choose the direction they go and it will be our job to help with guidance if they seek it. We will show them love no matter what.

As that is true for me to my children, as it is from God to His children. Lost, found, wandering, hidden-all.

I may not understand it all. Caden and Reid won't always understand our answers. But sometimes, that's just it and that's where we need to rest and be okay--it isn't for us to understand.

I'm sure I haven't heard those hateful words for the last time, but hopefully, as God has shown me His unconditional love despite my feelings I can in turn show our boys the same.

'We love, because He first loved us.' 1 John 4:19