Because she chose

About eleven years ago I had an argument with my mom. I was up in Manhattan in a small, private room at our dorm. To put my one college semester experience into perspective, this was the only time I had been in this quiet room meant for studying...

I cannot remember how this phone call came about, what the topic may have been hovering over, or how we got to this point in our conversation, but I can specifically remember the feeling that went with it.

The blanket feeling was that I was basically arguing with her because she held so tight to her faith and wouldn't let it go, even a little, to find some common ground on things of difference between us. I was beyond irritated that she would not just reason with me.

I felt betrayed. She was choosing God and her beliefs over supporting me and mine.

I couldn't even tell you what grounds of 'belief' I stood on besides a broken motto of this is my life and I'll do as I please, with who I please, when I please.

Flash forward nine and a half years.

I hit a low about four to six months after having Reid. Post partum, balancing two kids, navigating being home and working part time-I tried, but failed to be successful in that and my marriage. I found myself, actually my husband found me, crying in a corner between our bed and a wall. I couldn't put my finger on just one upsetting issue, but had a multitude of areas of discontent and an overall sense of loss. Knowing darn well we had our family's health and happiness all in line, but I couldn't shake it.

One more flash forward, a year and a half more, to current.

God. is. GOOD. I mean GOOD, people. I would love to sit and go over what He has done in our life the past year and a half. Since I stopped focusing on my own desires and worked on aligning myself with Him and His purpose for me. Since we, as a husband and wife, decided to devote our time-our lives-to God. Since we took our relationship with God further than the Sunday feel better sit and get.

He has been at work. Werk, werk, werk, werk, werk, werk. Let God the Father werk, werk, werk, werk, werk, werk.

But. Seriously. God has given us growth, determination, and perseverance above that of our own.  

I know I've said it before, but it reigns true to our walk with Christ, so I say it again; we are in a constant check and balance. But ya'll, we're checking and thankfully sweet Jesus is balancing.

This topic and personal story has run around my head for a few days. Over those few days I read three things that propelled me to share.

'If he (Satan) can't ensnare us then he'll try to scare us.' Entrusted study by Beth Moore

'The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.' John 10:10, Jesus speaking

'Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy...The grace of our Lord was poured out abundantly...Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners-of whom I am the worst.' 1 Timothy 3:8, letter from Paul

People. Paul, previously called Saul, went from spending his days persecuting anyone and everyone who followed Jesus to preaching and growing disciples in the gospel of Christ.

When you choose to rebuke the destruction Satan tries to line up for us and allow yourself to see God through everything-I mean, everything-minute or catastrophic, you will see God do more than you could even have imaged possible. In ways that you couldn't have planned. In ways completely opposite than you had planned, yet looking back for the better.

Satan may have gotten his fair share of my life for many years. Leading me with lies as I foolishly followed. That confrontation eleven years ago now makes me cry. Many of my harsh words, wrongful actions, bad memories make my stomach flip.

I was so dumb. I acted a fool. Spoke a fool. Was a fool.

I am beyond admirable of my moms strength in her faith to take the stand she did. Oh, how my heart will ache if I have to be put in that position with one of my own children.

The years that have taken me from the day of wanting my mom to adjust her faith for me to now preparing myself to be just as sincere in my own walk with God were not filled with sunshine and lollipops. As much as I wish I could take back some of those decisions or actions, my story and conviction are greater because of it. All of it-the good, the bad, the ugly.

Now, as I grow in my faith, I grow in my confidence to stand against persecution and to follow God's word, so that I may 'fight the good fight, holding on to faith and a good conscience.'
1 Timothy 3:8

Now vs Most

After going through a sermon series with Life Church called I Choose, one keeps ringing a bell in my ear.

I choose...Discipline over Regret

What do you want most and what do you need to do now to achieve what you want most?

Seems pretty #duh. But since I've listened to that I've literally said to myself, 'now or most?', multiple times already and it's been just over a week.

I've noticed it when it's come to eating. I've wanted multiple times in the now to grab a drive through meal for convenience, but have thought now or most? Mostly-I don't want the workouts I do to be undone that quick-because of one bad meal choice that could have been easily avoided. I don't want excuses of being busy to make me unhealthy. And I don't want to lead my boys in a bad example of indulging just because you can or that it brings a false sense of freedom or contentment.

I've noticed it in our moving process. Now? I want to sit my bum on the couch and watch a show, but more likely doze off. Mostly I want this moving day to go as smoothly as possible and with most any event, that means the now has to be filled with getting the check list items done and pre-organizing. So. Get up, play some music and get to it.

In our boys. I hear Caden yelling at Reid. Now? I want to yell at him to get his attention as the day has shown his hearing is conveniently turned off when I speak. I want to act out of anger and frustration when even yelling doesn't work. What I need to do most is dig deeper to his acting out, and try to redirect that. Show him my patience to not act in frustration, or yell, and let him learn by example.  Unfortunately parenting doesn't work with a do what I say, not what I do motto. Exact opposite.

In our future. Mostly, I want the home I've imagined, be responsible in the humbling help we've had to be debt free, I want to do it right. The now me wants to look at houses and react when I see one I like. I want to rush to get where I long for us to be.

But, to get to my most, I need to now see how quickly God has gotten us from listing our home to moving. We now need to pay off the last hospital bill we have on Reid to have nothing hanging over our heads. Need to schedule and plan expenses that would normally be a setback outside of this situation. Need to build up what is necessary to move once more and not end up over our heads.

Do you see. In more areas of life than not, in more situations we are up against than not, we can choose to act on what would bring us satisfaction now-but overall compromise what we desire most-OR...or, we can take a different route for the now, and aim higher at achieving what we desire most.

 

Choosing discipline over regret.

You win some, you lose some.

You'll choose the unhealthy food, because #yolo. It won't be the end of the world.

You'll lose your temper and yell instead of counting to ten and showing patience. You have the next reaction to choose different.

You'll make an impulse buy instead of save. You'll cause a setback, not bankruptcy.

No excuses. No outs. No reasons to slack. But also, no saying you are only going to get it right from here on out. No saying you'll be perfect. No saying you'll eat all the right things, react all the right ways, and make all the best life decisions for the rest of your days.

We're human, ya'll. We're dumb. To err is human wasn't said just for shiz and giggles.

But. I'll be damned if I don't try. Each day. Give my self grace. Give myself reassurance. Give myself goals, and don't let others or myself get in the way of them.

Not on my own. Not my own will. I choose to ask for more strength than my own, so I can live through discipline and not in regret.

When I rise, give me Jesus. When I fall, give me some more Jesus, please.