beauty in the breakdown

I'm going to sit here, type it all out, and force myself to hit publish and share. What has been holding me back was the thought and feeling of being in a redundant depressed mode.

It's not true to all days, but in my hindsight seems to have rang true more than ever within this last year. So, I hesitate and I keep it in.

I let the busy schedule allow my mind to get busy and disconnected. I let our children's emotional roller coasters become somewhat mine. I let dissatisfaction settle in again and make itself at home. I let my focus shift and not to the positive.

The last month has been good. I draw a blank to ramble on about it, but it wasn't a bad month by any means. It was constant and has keep us on our toes. Busy can be good-having your life filled with things to do with family and friends. Yet, amongst this recent month I let the full schedule produce a full mind and left little to no room for myself, my husband and boys, and more importantly God.

Just as we are coming up on celebrating Easter-Jesus rising from the dead and all that he did to allow us redemption even when we are least deserving-I am here experiencing that yet again.

Undeserving because I am the one who clouded up my time and mind away from him. Filling it with others needs, my own needs, letting addicting and awesome shows take precedence over time spent to draw close to him.

Yet again, like a broken record, I let myself and this world get in the way and fell off track and man did it catch up with me.

I wouldn't have said weeks ago that I was even doing this--it was more unknowingly. But this last week was when it all came tumbling down.

Reid is getting in teeth and picked up a cold Caden had. Caden has been in an argumentative and hard stage. I caught said cold. I've fought for a loss nap time just in the hopes of getting some peace and quiet-and I'll be honest-some midday sleep myself. The nights have had a constant abruption, the days have been a battle, we had a week off of our normal schedule and it was all a recipe for disaster.

So. Around came Thursday and around came tears. Lots of tears. Lots of cries out to the Lord, even despite feeling no connection and as if He wasn't even hearing me.

I felt abandoned by God as the week felt so difficult. As if He's the one who said he was too busy to hear or save me, when I knew all along I had let that gap and trouble in myself.

Feeling defeat sucks. It makes you question everything, it makes you question yourself, and I flat out despise it. But. There was an ending rainbow.

I'm still too freshly off this week's chaos to say I'd want to go back through it all to gain the end result...I know I do and would want that, but ya'll-I'm just still tired and still sick and still kind of working my way out.

But what fell into place-after I finally got on my knees, in tears and crying out God, I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I need you.-it was only of God. And I was finally taking the time to listen and look for Him to speak and not just waiting for the doorbell that we don't have to ring with his blessing right there at the door, all nicely wrapped with a bow on top.

That's not how it works unfortunately. I hate that it's after a breakdown that you can clearly see the blessing. I hate that I'm here again, typing yet again another struggle and fall. But I am. And I think with the stage of our little ones and just how I am I'll be here yet again-hopefully not only seeing the signs of digression but noticing it enough, remembering the crap part of it enough, to fight against it instead wallow in and through it.

I swear, I'm not always this much of a mess......just half the time...okay. Not half the time...just half of the half.

I finally chose watching a sermon as I worked over a show. Seems like an easy decision and always, always,  has paid off in doing so but I hadn't been. So, Friday was a long work day for me and I played a sermon to start. I picked back up on a series I had been watching through Newspring and it happened to be over worrying.

Half of what I was weighed down with was filled with worry that I was hoarding to myself, not giving to God, and trying to figure out all on my own. Trying to be enough and bear the weight of parenting stresses when, oh Lord, that just doesn't work.

After that I reached out to two gals in particular we've down a study with recently and asked for prayers and support. I heard from one of a coworkers recent similar struggles, which made me not feel as alone or lost and aside from just sweet words of support I also received a picture quote stating:

Thinking of your child as behaving badly disposes you to think of punishment. Thinking of your child as struggling to handle something difficult encourages you to help them through their distress.

Great mind flip and new perspective to help our difficult days and help me change my approach, so I can in turn help him as well.

Then I finally downloaded an audible book that I've been longing to get my hands on but never acting on it called The Best Yes, by Lysa Terkeurst. It's already shown to be a good investment and helped fill me with positive ways to thinking towards your time, and more importantly, towards the time you are or aren't allowing for God.

Sharing this I risk sounding foolish and repetitive, but this is my life. This is a harder stage for me. I need help navigating it. I cannot do this on my own. I know I am not alone. I know I'm not the only mom that feels torn, pulled in many directions, with nothing left to give at the end or even start of the day.

I have yet again relied on myself, and I have yet again see that I cannot do this without God.
FINALLY. Finally I took steps to try to connect back with God. To open my mind to hearing Him, to purposefully seeking him and the way he will use others around us to show his love and support.

I felt like I was crying out but that my cries were falling upon deaf ears. Only because I went into my cries with that mindset. I let Satan flood into my cries with his lies of doubt and I still held tight to my frustration.

You have to be willing to fight. In this world, Satan is out to destroy you. He is out to rob you of happiness, hope and joy. He is out to dwell on your weakness and he will not hesitate.

I allowed myself to break. Allowed myself to admit I was failing, which sucks. But more importantly I allowed myself afterwards to stop and see the beauty in the breakdown.

Park, Zoo, or Harvard?

It's been a month since last posting. Remember, that one time, when I said 'a post a week'...yeah, about that.

I look back and see what I've written and it's like a wake up call to myself. I'm really grateful God spoke through me, and am thinking huh-what the heck, I don't feel any big things that seem good and thought provoking to talk about. So, maybe I'll just attempt to either do a mixture of what's up in our world--or ramble over topics even if they seem more mundane.

Our youngest sweet thang is at that harder stage between one and two where he's wanting to be more independent but unable to in many areas and still pretty needy. He also has a strong personality and already fights back when we tell him 'no'. Even a simple 'no' towards not biting led him to tug at me and my clothes in anger and throw whatever toy was around him. SO. He's just another story and a whole new area of navigating parent wise.

BUT. What has me really re-evaluating our norm is our oldest. I hit up Walmart after we first brought Reid home to gather some entertainment things for Caden and most of them worked well--but that has been over a year now and boy has he changed.

I tried a behavior chart, with rewards for it and it worked well. That helped, and I would encourage it for anyone. I got the idea from this one blog in particular, but did not put as much effort into the looks of it all and have ours taped to our fridge with a magnet as his moving piece.

It would work more if I kept up with it, well, that and maybe if he didn't argue everything even when we're trying to let him move up towards a reward. rolling my eyes.

Now it's been on my mind, and all over my Pinterest, looking for ideas specifically for him entertainment, structure and learning wise. Two simple and easy ones have worked out well thus far. The first, making dinosaurs out of shapes. The second, matching alphabet letters written on circle stickers to ones written on an empty paper towel roll.

Learning and entertainment which he really did like-so these two are keepers! He took the second one as if he was decorating his spy glass...if there's an empty roll in this house then playing pirates is right around the corner matey.

Coming soon-a letter a week, encouraging writing, working on higher numbers. All great, all not necessarily a rush but good to learn, all in his interest, all learning and adding needed structure...BUT most of all, all kind of scaring the shiz out of me.

I mean, just being honest here. It's all simple things and I just need to prep and get it together and start-luckily along some other mom friends in the same boat-but man. Is this really where I'm at? Are we already here? Should I be pre-ordering college supplies while I'm at it?

Okay, simmer down, simmer down.

But for real. This past year was full of adjustments from one kid to two, full time work to part time, budget changes...we had a crazy busy year when it comes to life changes and growing in many areas personally, as a family, and spiritually.

I adjusted to the change of being home with the boys and found different ways to be interactive and entertain them. We had it pretty good. Then winter came, sucked half the entertainment options away, made my toddler transform into a preschooler and my baby into a toddler all overnight, and left me wondering if we really even celebrated the holidays or if I'm still trying to see through the fog that some call cabin fever...which takes on a whole heck of a lot more meaning when the cabin has a fever and small children inside.

Now as the weather is coming back around, I'm cleaning out the winter clothes, and clothes outgrown, and I'm realizing more than just clothing adjustments need to be had as we come into this new season.

It's no longer a simple choice between the park or zoo for the day, but decisions which impacts hold longer than a few hours.

And that's where I'm stuck in the mud. It's just the beginning, I know. As they get older comes more of the above. Worrying if a decision you made for them will play out to their benefit or not. Second guessing, weighing out the options...I may know my child well, but I don't know how he'll act or respond to new situations that aren't what we've been through before.

A whole new world for us to figure out, a whole new chapter to kick off this never ending game of feeling like you've got a good grip on things just for them to change on you. Get all cozy in one stage just in time for you to realize you have to readjust and reinvent.

Oy vey.

Cheers to the challenge...and by that I mean kind of literally...it'd be nice to have something cold to cheers to right now. And curry. I could use some good curry right about now...