Stuck in Stink

If I get stuck in the stink, it serves no good purpose.

Lysa TurKeurst, Craving God Devo

Sometimes I wonder how much I differ from a pig rolling back and forth in a pigsty. Roll one way, then another, each time covering a different section of myself with some more mess.

I let the mess stick and ignore it while it hardens, making it harder to remove.

My stink widely varies and changes. Lack of discipline. Bad attitude. Impatience. Discontent. Greed. Disobedience. Discouragement.

But stink is stink. And when I wallow, I let it settle and cause disconnection and harm.

Some stink can be more detrimental than others-but I guess that also depends on the depth and the time we allow to ignore the real problem. Even the most simple of issues, if left unresolved, can grow to intensely harden our hearts and perspective.

I so despise when I feel stinky.

When I'm in a state of defeat in motherhood. When our day has been full of whining, disciplining and irritation. When I'm frustrated to be in the exact spot and opportunity I cried and longed for during working out of the home full time. When I can't see past the fog of an off day. When I allow Satan to harp on all the negative. Like, all.of.it..and magnify it.

When I let my stink settle. When I sit amongst it and welcome its company. That is when I am letting Satan kill, steal, and destroy.

He is killing my joy. He is stealing opportunities. He is destroying my outlook.

As a fly is drawn to the yuck, so is Satan is to our defeat--to our stink.

Why in the world do I let it linger? Why do I bask in the sun with it, letting it harden over me?

Being in-between homes has brought up some stink I don't think I've entirely dealt with before. We normally live pretty simple. Nothing fancy, but definitely lucky to be stable.

Yet greed creeps in and stinks up my heart, adding discontent to it's party. Wanting more or wishing over the budget. Losing focus and gratitude.

That stink-if I leave it, will forever leave me discontent. Nothing will be good enough. No one, or nothing, will fully satisfy.

So, I have been working again and again on it. I hope to continue to improve and be faster to realign, but I still fall back in unrealistic desires easier than I'd like to admit.

If...well, let's make that when...I have struggles with the above, once I wise up and bring it to the surface I often realize how quick I am to idolize or prioritize over God. It never works, it always fails, and it always reeks.

I'm tired of stinking. When I start to notice a stench, when I realize I've let the dirt layer up and harden, when I've allowed Satan to harp on negatives--it's time to rinse, bathe, and repeat.

Rinse off in grace and forgiveness. Bathe in God's truth and love. And repeat.

So, what's your stink?

Will.

The best thing we can do is to position our hearts in a place where we can experience God.

On rough days stand on what you know to be true instead of being whisked away in a sea of emotions.

Feelings can indicated there is a situation we need to deal with, but they should not dictate how we react.

What we feel is anger, frustration, betrayal, confusion, addiction, hopelessness...what we need is self control. We are not slaves to our feelings-we have a choice.

Choose to be self controlled. Recognize the true enemy. Humbly let God lead.

Crave God, not things of this world.

_Craving God 60 Day Devotional by Lysa TerKeurst_

We are prone to follow our own will.

Prone : likely to or liable to suffer from, experience something-typically something regrettable or unwelcome; lying flat, especially face downward; downward slope or direction.

Lying downward, on a downward slope, suffer and regret. Seems fitting.

Because our personal desires are of a selfish nature, to have success in our relationships-no matter the level of magnitude-it isn't in our best interest to lead.

That speaks volumes to some, and not to others. It means a higher degree of discipline to one, and to another minor adjustments throughout their days.

For me, it's constant.

To shift the focus off of self in my marriage I have to often set aside my frustrations, stubbornness to how I would have handled something, let go of unrealistic expectations and at times, especially in this stage for us, choose love and grace, and pray over passion and connection amongst the busy.

Oddly enough, similar to marriage is my parenting. Like...really similar. Passion and connection are still there, just under a different definition. It's easy to lose that amongst the neediness and fits...not that my kiddos ever throw fits or anything.

So. What does it look like to follow God's will for us?

'Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is Gods will for you in Christ Jesus.' 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

For this is Gods will for you.

Be joyful. Intentionally look around for measures of joy in each day; joy is a choice we make, not a feeling we hope to get from our circumstances.

Be prayerful. Focus your thoughts, struggles, confusion, etc. on God through prayer.

Be thankful. Gods activity can be seen much more readily when we focus on what we do have rather than what we don't.

Everyone has different views. Different opinions. I know not everyone will agree. But I wouldn't be true to my faith if I didn't stand by it.

TerKeurst is to credit majority of the words above. Through reading her words, I feel God aiming at and building me up each day in areas of struggle-either known or unknown at the time.

We need to challenge ourselves to rise above the norm. Not let our feelings lead us. Show self control in areas where it's too often dismissed. Align ourselves in faith and love-but not disregard truth.

These days to come we may feel defeated and hopeless. The days ahead are unknown. Yet Gods promise is, and has been, well known. Let it be well known and true for you.

Because she chose

About eleven years ago I had an argument with my mom. I was up in Manhattan in a small, private room at our dorm. To put my one college semester experience into perspective, this was the only time I had been in this quiet room meant for studying...

I cannot remember how this phone call came about, what the topic may have been hovering over, or how we got to this point in our conversation, but I can specifically remember the feeling that went with it.

The blanket feeling was that I was basically arguing with her because she held so tight to her faith and wouldn't let it go, even a little, to find some common ground on things of difference between us. I was beyond irritated that she would not just reason with me.

I felt betrayed. She was choosing God and her beliefs over supporting me and mine.

I couldn't even tell you what grounds of 'belief' I stood on besides a broken motto of this is my life and I'll do as I please, with who I please, when I please.

Flash forward nine and a half years.

I hit a low about four to six months after having Reid. Post partum, balancing two kids, navigating being home and working part time-I tried, but failed to be successful in that and my marriage. I found myself, actually my husband found me, crying in a corner between our bed and a wall. I couldn't put my finger on just one upsetting issue, but had a multitude of areas of discontent and an overall sense of loss. Knowing darn well we had our family's health and happiness all in line, but I couldn't shake it.

One more flash forward, a year and a half more, to current.

God. is. GOOD. I mean GOOD, people. I would love to sit and go over what He has done in our life the past year and a half. Since I stopped focusing on my own desires and worked on aligning myself with Him and His purpose for me. Since we, as a husband and wife, decided to devote our time-our lives-to God. Since we took our relationship with God further than the Sunday feel better sit and get.

He has been at work. Werk, werk, werk, werk, werk, werk. Let God the Father werk, werk, werk, werk, werk, werk.

But. Seriously. God has given us growth, determination, and perseverance above that of our own.  

I know I've said it before, but it reigns true to our walk with Christ, so I say it again; we are in a constant check and balance. But ya'll, we're checking and thankfully sweet Jesus is balancing.

This topic and personal story has run around my head for a few days. Over those few days I read three things that propelled me to share.

'If he (Satan) can't ensnare us then he'll try to scare us.' Entrusted study by Beth Moore

'The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.' John 10:10, Jesus speaking

'Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy...The grace of our Lord was poured out abundantly...Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners-of whom I am the worst.' 1 Timothy 3:8, letter from Paul

People. Paul, previously called Saul, went from spending his days persecuting anyone and everyone who followed Jesus to preaching and growing disciples in the gospel of Christ.

When you choose to rebuke the destruction Satan tries to line up for us and allow yourself to see God through everything-I mean, everything-minute or catastrophic, you will see God do more than you could even have imaged possible. In ways that you couldn't have planned. In ways completely opposite than you had planned, yet looking back for the better.

Satan may have gotten his fair share of my life for many years. Leading me with lies as I foolishly followed. That confrontation eleven years ago now makes me cry. Many of my harsh words, wrongful actions, bad memories make my stomach flip.

I was so dumb. I acted a fool. Spoke a fool. Was a fool.

I am beyond admirable of my moms strength in her faith to take the stand she did. Oh, how my heart will ache if I have to be put in that position with one of my own children.

The years that have taken me from the day of wanting my mom to adjust her faith for me to now preparing myself to be just as sincere in my own walk with God were not filled with sunshine and lollipops. As much as I wish I could take back some of those decisions or actions, my story and conviction are greater because of it. All of it-the good, the bad, the ugly.

Now, as I grow in my faith, I grow in my confidence to stand against persecution and to follow God's word, so that I may 'fight the good fight, holding on to faith and a good conscience.'
1 Timothy 3:8

Now vs Most

After going through a sermon series with Life Church called I Choose, one keeps ringing a bell in my ear.

I choose...Discipline over Regret

What do you want most and what do you need to do now to achieve what you want most?

Seems pretty #duh. But since I've listened to that I've literally said to myself, 'now or most?', multiple times already and it's been just over a week.

I've noticed it when it's come to eating. I've wanted multiple times in the now to grab a drive through meal for convenience, but have thought now or most? Mostly-I don't want the workouts I do to be undone that quick-because of one bad meal choice that could have been easily avoided. I don't want excuses of being busy to make me unhealthy. And I don't want to lead my boys in a bad example of indulging just because you can or that it brings a false sense of freedom or contentment.

I've noticed it in our moving process. Now? I want to sit my bum on the couch and watch a show, but more likely doze off. Mostly I want this moving day to go as smoothly as possible and with most any event, that means the now has to be filled with getting the check list items done and pre-organizing. So. Get up, play some music and get to it.

In our boys. I hear Caden yelling at Reid. Now? I want to yell at him to get his attention as the day has shown his hearing is conveniently turned off when I speak. I want to act out of anger and frustration when even yelling doesn't work. What I need to do most is dig deeper to his acting out, and try to redirect that. Show him my patience to not act in frustration, or yell, and let him learn by example.  Unfortunately parenting doesn't work with a do what I say, not what I do motto. Exact opposite.

In our future. Mostly, I want the home I've imagined, be responsible in the humbling help we've had to be debt free, I want to do it right. The now me wants to look at houses and react when I see one I like. I want to rush to get where I long for us to be.

But, to get to my most, I need to now see how quickly God has gotten us from listing our home to moving. We now need to pay off the last hospital bill we have on Reid to have nothing hanging over our heads. Need to schedule and plan expenses that would normally be a setback outside of this situation. Need to build up what is necessary to move once more and not end up over our heads.

Do you see. In more areas of life than not, in more situations we are up against than not, we can choose to act on what would bring us satisfaction now-but overall compromise what we desire most-OR...or, we can take a different route for the now, and aim higher at achieving what we desire most.

 

Choosing discipline over regret.

You win some, you lose some.

You'll choose the unhealthy food, because #yolo. It won't be the end of the world.

You'll lose your temper and yell instead of counting to ten and showing patience. You have the next reaction to choose different.

You'll make an impulse buy instead of save. You'll cause a setback, not bankruptcy.

No excuses. No outs. No reasons to slack. But also, no saying you are only going to get it right from here on out. No saying you'll be perfect. No saying you'll eat all the right things, react all the right ways, and make all the best life decisions for the rest of your days.

We're human, ya'll. We're dumb. To err is human wasn't said just for shiz and giggles.

But. I'll be damned if I don't try. Each day. Give my self grace. Give myself reassurance. Give myself goals, and don't let others or myself get in the way of them.

Not on my own. Not my own will. I choose to ask for more strength than my own, so I can live through discipline and not in regret.

When I rise, give me Jesus. When I fall, give me some more Jesus, please.

Declutter

We decided to put our house on the market. Which meant going closet by closet, room by room and going through all the extra junk we have stored up. Some to be tossed, some that has no purpose for a good while and could be stored away to clear up space for current needs--no matter it's significance it was all clutter.

Odds and ins, necessities or not, all too much for the space that housed it.

With each spot cleaned out, with each box filled for storage or trash pile made, the realization of unknown clutter that we had hidden throughout our home sank in deeper and deeper .

The additional space this brought was refreshing. The feeling of not having unnecessary items lying around is peaceful.

Once in a blue moon when I was in high school I would get tired of the walking path that lead from my bed to my door and desired more out of the room I had. So, I would organize--which back then likely meant wash all clean or dirty clothes scattered all over the floor because who knew what was what by that point. And I can specifically remember the feeling of laying down to sleep in that nice, spacious, clean room and feeling a sense of relief and satisfaction.

Same with my car. I remember my friend and I cleaning our cars out together and being so proud after. Yet weeks later all progress being undone and forgotten about.

So why didn't I keep it up? Should I blame my sister that I wanted to be like-because that seems like a legit crutch. But no. Likely, pure laziness and lack of respect for my space or items.

And now, it's not that I don't respect the space that we have or feel lazy about it...not always at least. Well, maybe I do. Unknowingly, maybe so.

And unfortunately, until we've cleared out the junk and can see the difference of clutter vs clean, we don't even realize the mess we've made. We don't even realize the opportunity towards a positive when we're comfortable in the clutter.

You see where I'm going here....

Aside from obvious physical clutter, where else are we hoarding too much? It doesn't have to even be at the state of overflowing and spilling out. Those are obvious moments. When something simple and meaningless sets off the waterworks--obvious signs of overflow.

But it's where you don't even realize it. Where you're somewhat comfortable sitting and living amongst it. Just dealing with the excess and growing accustom to navigating with less space mentally and physically.

Well, seeing the difference just recently, I say forget that.

Maybe it will mean I have to take time weekly to declutter myself. Which likely means bi-weekly...or-as reality may have it-monthly.

Going through and seeing where I've cluttered my life. Where have I cluttered my marriage with unnecessary worries, fights, struggles? Where have I cluttered my parenting with overthinking, too high expectations, overly busy schedules? Where I have I cluttered my spiritual relationship with excuses, pride, and selfishness?

Declutter. Reorganize. Return once again to feel that refreshing peace of not living amongst more than what the space can hold-physically or mentally.

Nephesh

(neh'-fesh)

In Hebrew meaning life; living being.

Devotional Seven Hebrew Words Every Christian Should Know.

In Psalm 19 versus 1-4 David writes:

'The heavens proclaim the glory of God. The skies display his craftsmanship.

Day after day they continue to speak. Night after night they make Him known.

They speak without a sound or word. Their voice is never heard.

Yet their message has gone throughout the earth, and their words to all the world.'

When our four year old hits or acts out in a hurtful manner, be it having a large impact or not, we reiterate that there is no good reason to act out in harm towards anyone, human or animal.

I stop and step on my own toes thinking of all the reasons I would want to validate them in when it comes to self defense. I get defensive even thinking about it.

But here, I'm talking acts of hate. Not acts of defense or protection. Even that I can debate myself on...

But America...I take that back, WORLD.

Who are we if we show hate? If we inflict harmful words, actions, behaviors upon others? How are we any better than those which have recently done so?

Satan is just loving this. Eating it up.

People turning on each other, showing hate verbally or physically. And because of what-a skin color difference, a difference in religion, opposite political viewpoints, having preferences or lifestyle unlike your own?

It is horrible. It is downright ridiculous and it needs to stop. Now.

Gods work is shown beautifully throughout this world. There is love and there are people fighting for the better. But not enough. The viewpoint of todays world is too focused on self.

Self image; be healthy, be happy, but quit being self centered. Self status; be productive, make an impact, but quit thinking the world revolves around you. Self opinion; have a voice, think, but don't be closed to others perspectives.

If we continue to march around with just ourselves as top priority, then we might as well buckle up and sign up to continue to ride this not-so-merry-go-round of hate as it goes around and around and around on a nauseating repeat. As if spinning ourselves sick won't wake us up-well, hasn't seemed to yet at least.

We talk ourselves in circles. We are hypocrites, even when we strive not to be. We are sinful at nature. No one had to teach us to feel jealousy, greed, or hate. But God teaches us how to fight against that which Satan thrives on.

In this world of 'self', we must acknowledge that we cannot make a difference relying solely on ourselves.

For me, I do believe in Jesus, God, the guidance of the Holy Spirit. So I thrive on that fueling me to help me be more than this world is accepting as okay or normal.

I know that isn't where everyone stands. But I know that together, if we stand against what the world pegs as normal, if was stand against the worlds 'self' motto that maybe we'll have a chance.

As the skies speak volumes across the world without uttering a single world, can we not as well speak volumes of love and hope across the world even if muted?

Maybe, right now, muted is the way to go. I know, a bit backwards saying that as I'm typing this to share...

But, really. How much of an impact will that post or tweet leave? How much of an impact will this leave? Maybe it will leave some nodding in agreement or maybe it will leave some shaking their heads in annoyance...

...but unless we step away from the words-written or spoken-and choose to speak as loud as the skies do we will be setting our future on repeat.

Differences aside. No more dividers. There needs to be no more.

Actions speak louder than words. Let us, quietly, speak volumes and make a change.

Money, Money, Money

Finances.

Alright. I'm dropping the mic there and letting you draw your own, likely reasonable, conclusions to this post.

What do most couples fight about? Sex, Finances and I forget the third, maybe sex again, I don't know.

Gary and I don't really fight. Twice recently Caden has gotten onto us saying, 'Guys! Are you fighting?!' when once we were teasing each other on different opinions, pure fun, and second when we were talking about another topic with enthusiasm. No fighting and kind of odd that he's catching onto that when it's not really in his surrounding much.

I guess it depends how you define fighting. We get at odds, and sometimes I'd like to push him right over and rant on and on about all the things I am certainly right about and have no wrong...but, we haven't had long lasting battles. God has really worked through us in this area, helping us grow to be humble, forgiving or ask forgiveness, and move on. And, well, being at odds just sucks so we try to get back on track sooner than later to help our whole world feel more in line.

But, we went against the typical advice the other night and went to bed mad. After ending on a bad note we didn't speak the rest of the night and felt at odds into the next morning and MAN I just hate that.

Throws me off in all areas. Makes me feel frustrated and off with the kids even and blah.

We put on our happy-ish faces for church, which thankfully throughout softened our hearts and helped break the tension.

I dare you to hold hands during a sermon, while in a tiff, and not feel some sort of conviction and stupidity to the nonsense anger. There-all differences solved. Just find a sermon to hit up and hold hands. #worldpeace

Okay back at it-We later spear headed the conversation and moved on, Whew. And...it all was wrapped around finances.

It's been on our mind for what's next for us for a while now. Another baby sometime? Finish Gary's masters work? Sell/buy bigger home? Win the lotto? Could ya'll lift up that last one in prayer, because it's obviously top priority here. Prioritizing is my thing.

Just wondering, without trying to wonder. If that makes sense. Trying to hand over control and over thinking of the tomorrows to God, but also being responsible to have a reasonable game plan.

So. Current game plan now is to legitimately have our goal set and in mind to save up to move. Because if the first question ever does come into play, more space would be appreciated. And we can't do schooling and saving to move at the same time, so what do we want to work towards? We landed on home.

Education is key, and important, but also costly and with all the craziness right now who knows the benefit of it at this moment. Yada Yada, there's my defensiveness thinking about some pre-judging possible thoughts.

SO YEAH. Tight budget. Already messed up a bit. Hence the tension and breakthrough and here we are going to try Option A, then if we can't be honorable to that, Option B towards savings and living within our means.

BUT here's the deal, I know, finally. And, shocker mixed with dejavu. I got out of the word and out of prayer for two days. Over which our version of the turds hit the fan and we got in a funk.

Two days. People, that's all it can take and here that's all it did take. It wasn't until this evening that I had a constant tug about doing the study days I had missed, even though evening study isn't my normal, so I did. And BAM. Right in my face two topics hitting the exact area that I am struggling with and wasn't giving up control over.

First study went over Matthew 6:25-34. Highlighting verses 33-34, of that verse 33 is on my fridge-right in front of my stinking face, yet I chose to ignore it and look past its significance and realness.

'But seek first His kingdom & His righteousness & all those things will be given to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.'

Through Matthew 6:25-34 God gives a multitude of reasons to not be anxious. John Piper points out in this study to not just call God's reasons simplistic, but call it grace. BELIEVE HIM!

Take every reason and preach it to your sole as true. Remember His words, remember His promise, His reasons and don't let them sit by the waste side wishing they would be heard and put into use when they are just dying to shout a saving song into your heart. Let them reign in your soul, let them be true, let them save you from Satan's lies and deceit that he loves to tangle you in causing issues between you and your spouse, you and your family, you and God.

Secondly, what does it mean to serve God?

Am I serving Him in a way that is calling attention to Him as an authority figure and not a treasure? Am I doing what He says in a way that shines glory on the giver?

Serving gladly, not anxiously, trusting in God through serving Him-He will supply our needs. Know that our needs are not always our wants. We have vision the size of a mustard seed compared to His.

It doesn't mean when we come up to our weekly spending, bills, so forth, that I won't yet again have to fight myself in giving that trust to God.

To stay humble. To purposefully avoid things that may lead me to feel discontent. To focus on all the big and little things around me to keep me grounded.

This feels a bit repetitive, but I could not ignore the way God chose to shout out the reminder that He was there, patiently waiting for me to knock, yet I had my back turned towards His door looking to make sure I didn't miss anything on my own yet.

So. I share. Repetitive or not, our same issues will be as such, and here was our current that as much as I hated we went through, I am glad we did.

We have a plan. We have a backup plan, because, duh. But most importantly, we have the first of each day to stop and focus on the mission of God over our mission of home/kids/schooling/life.

And right here, I could really use the hands up in the air, arm muscle, and peace out emoji's...

A literal, and simple every day, Jesus take the wheel

I heard this story, err something along these lines because recalling stories isn't my strong suit, in a sermon a while back about the pastor and his wife:

They were driving on a trip and between a gps and his wife with a map in the passenger seat confusion on where to go set in. He says something to her towards the confusion and she says back 'It is not the passengers fault if the driver doesn't get to the destination.' In which he stops and responds, 'That would be good sermon!'

If you are the one driving and leading your life, having God in the passenger seat to blame for misdirection, but don't fully let Him drive. Him lead. Him take the wheel and you follow---well, you'll just end up crashing on way or another.

With that thought, I want to shine some light on our recent good, because I just want to give credit where credit is due.

Gary went to the lake this past weekend with some of his buddies so it was just me and the boys. I worked Friday, and we went to my sisters for pizza and pool with my family that evening. We stayed late, both boys had a blast and didn't even crash on the way home as we all suspected.

Of course, in this house our kids have yet to learn the concept that a late night means you sleep in, so before seven we were up and at 'em. Hit up the gym, came home to play and then later had a friends little guy join us for the night. So, party on, Wayne!

Again. Sleeping in doesn't occur, Reid especially. Up and at 'em again, by eight all nuggets were up and after some yummmmA cinnamon rolls and some outside time we returned our sweet guest and hit up the busy zoo.

Both boys did great, I packed our own little version of a lunchable which Caden thought was cool so that was a win up in here, and we finally got to see the elephants out and close right before we left!

Got home, hung out just a bit before naps and we all three took a nap. Can I get an amen?! Glorious.

I almost forgot to plan food for the week-minor detail-so off to the store for a quick run and swing by the salad bar for a picnic dinner back at home. Then, I saw my pal was beating me in a fitbit weekend challenge so we snuck a walk in, came back to play outside more before bedtime fun.

A-flippin-men. Is that wrong? I mean, amen is good, but I am REALLY feeling the praise so I need a flippin. Hey, could be worse. I could be using my younger years language here...and I'm not. So, you're welcome and apologies for anyone around my dumb pirate mouth back then.

There were negatives-like, the early mornings- but that's not new. A lot of missing my boo thang. I took Reid's shirt off for a bath, he lost his balance, and his face met the outside of the tub, so that sucked for him. And poor dude got a bug bite above his eye that swelled up on him-he looked a mess, but is better now (thank you kids Benadryl). A few lame mom moments of getting more mad than necessary, once over spilled Gatorade. It wasn't a big deal, and not a huge mess, but just hit me at the wrong time I guess. Had to ask forgiveness for that one-dumb emotions got in my way. #shocker

But. Here's the deal...the recap wasn't really needed, but it's all typed out so it's staying...I prayed for this.

I didn't feel it right away, or the whole weekend, but I really focused on this as I was flying solo with them. I'm alone with them during the days, but Gary comes home and gives me adult conversation, love and support. And on the weekends, and now even extra bonus summer days, I get spoiled having that time together.

I usually try to keep us busy, giving the boys things to do that doesn't all fall back on me, leaving me drained. And we did things, but overall-compared to our norm-I felt like we moved in slow motion. We didn't do as much as we normally do on a weekend. Nothing was rushed. Nothing was really planned or had a schedule and it felt so weird, but good.

One of the things I have been focusing on praying for has been for God to give me what I need for the day. To be the mom and wife He's called me to be. To say and show Gods love and truth to others. To take the day for what it is and to have His guidance there.

I could be queen of overthinking-as many others-and it is something I have purposefully been working on. Praying over the day, the moments he has placed in front of us right now and not dwelling on the future. Not to say I still don't think ahead, because, we'll, I just can't help it sometimes, but when I already felt some defeat in these days knowing it would be 100% on me, I had to do a big trust fall on God that he would help give me what I needed for this time.

And He did. Not in a way that I would have expected either. Like I said, I'm more prone to filling up our time and keeping busy, but this wasn't that. It was slow paced and I feel like I took in the time with the boys more than I have for a while.

This afternoon, as I read Reid a book before naptime, Caden came rushing to his room, stood in the door frame and said 'Mom! I just love you so much.' and off he went.

The rush of emotions and praise for that moment was unbeatable. On came tears of gratitude.  Amongst feelings of tired and fear of failing came that sweet bit. It was a wave of love over me-an earthly hug and lift from God.

Thank.You.Jesus.

When you take the weight off your shoulders, when you trust in God to give you the strength, the guidance, and the will for what your day may hold-He will show up.

Through the good and the bad parts of the day, as you learn more and more to follow His lead and not your own--though He may show His grace or love in ways you didn't plan---He will show up.

And that, that I am oh so thankful for as we close our weekend. Cheers to Gary coming home tomorrow and to God helping me be able to file our time under the good memories and not the errrrk messed that one up!

Feeding Off Yourself

What. Did you think this was a Walking Dead post? Come on. We all know that that's a sore spot having to wait until September to find out if the speculations towards poor Glenn are true or not...I'm not even going to get into that. I just can't. So. Focus.

Unexplained negative emotions are a tall tell sign towards knowing when your center focus is out of whack. When one thing doesn't go as planned, but is the last trigger that you needed to start the waterworks or pity party.

You know-when your little emotional bottle is full, and the caps on but one turn away from popping off and then something happens that sends it flying-letting the entire bottle geyser up and out. And man, you've been keeping it all in and good for so long but then that disappointment hits and all that hard work doesn't even matter.

After a recent setback, over nothing important even, I found myself having to tell Gary that I needed a minute to regroup. I stepped away into our room, sat my back against the door that won't stay shut well and, luckily, controlled the geyser but let a few tears slip out.

Instantly I was frustrated at why. Why did I let something that had no significant importance rock me to my core enough to have to step away and gather myself back together?

 

Because my hope, my center focus was off. I was putting more on this thing than I had realized. I was letting my self worth ride on the shoulders of this event and I didn't even realize it until I got upset.

 

And how often we do that. Too often we make things bigger than they should be, more important than they are, and let them take precedence over our hearts and minds more than God.

 

I would have proved to myself that I had the ability and strength that I had doubted was in me. I would be able to share the accomplishment with pride.

 

In other words, I would have fed myself with myself and oh how unreliable and insufficient is that source.

 

Something so unimportant unknowingly raced to the top of my attention and stole my center focus.

 

It's so easy and happens so quick. Even good, positive things can easily fall into that negative category taking too much of your attention and taking priority over God. What I tripped on wasn't anything of a negative source, but it still had too much of me in it.

 

As I sat there with my back against the door with the rush of emotions I had to stop and cry out to God confiding in Him that I didn't know why something of this little significance is causing that much disappointment. And then I felt a rush of recognition that I was relying in that specific thing to bring me confidence and joy, and I was putting that above and before God.

 

'When the glories of creation are preferred to the glory of God' John Piper in his devotional on Living in the Light-Money, Sex & Power

 

Here, in this instance I felt like unbeknownst to me I had slipped into darkness with power. Letting the importance of power from other accomplishments trump God.

 

With kids or no kids, spouse or no spouse, rich or poor....this area of struggle is real and it is strong. Don't let Satan steal the joy in things and turn them against you. Stop and realize what has a hold of your heart, your mind, your focus more than it should-more than God-and realign yourself.

 

If you can't put God first and above it, if you can't change the way you approach that relationship or activity towards the positive then get ride of it.

 

Nothing is worth living or wallowing in the dark for. Nothing is worth bringing you down and rocking you to the core. If you put anything or anyone higher than God you will be unstable, you will fall and you will feel the negatives of it.

 

'In darkness we fondle the smooth ebony brooch hanging around our neck--not knowing that in the light we would see it is a cockroach.' John Piper, Living in the Light-Money, Sex & Power

 

I did such, and in a simple, seemingly harmless manner. And I know I will error again and continue to learn and relearn the same lesson in different ways unfortunately--but for now, I'm stronger for being on this side of it and I hope that for someone this speaks to you and helps you in the same.

What my what is

Two things-well, I guess three, have popped up and pushed me to surface of wondering what my what is. What could I be focusing on more, what's my next step as Amanda. Not as a wife or a mom, although I'm sure both titles are bound to intertwine with the independent, but as Amanda. What does God have me here for and how can I not miss out on it.

I know I need to focus on the roles I have been given as a wife and mom and not let those lack attention, but this tug is coming from somewhere...so what to do.

The three happenings: One already spoken of in my last writing about being a change agent, a recent comedic sermon by the funny Michael Jr., and chapter seven in the book The Best Yes.

Change agent. Being willing to step away and out of the normal, dreaming big.

Comedic sermon. You may know what to do, but what gives it power is knowing why you do it and even more strength comes from who you do it for.

Chapter seven. 'You will steer towards where you stare.' Where is your focus-is it stuck on fear and therefor holding you back or are you letting go and trusting in God.

Triple C action. The first I spent time typing about in the last blog, so feel free to recap there. The second I watched today as I pumped iron--a new gig I've been into and man, it's pretty legit. I'm not legit in in, but the mind break/child break and body feel good has been pretty dang sweet...I'm liking it. And I was able to listen to chapter seven today as well.

So, when you feel like things occur more than once, directing you to the same topic and all get you thinking towards the same question--maybe it's about time to open a new can of worms? Except not worms. Those are gross and slimy. A new can of oreos nom nom nom...but, my iron pumping self should probably say chocolate peanut butter protein bars...they have cans of those somewhere, right!?

Focus, ya'll.

For real, though. It's come to my attention that I just feel like I'm not doing enough personally. Finally initiating carving out time for myself at the gym has felt good. Please, Lord, don't let this now talking about it jinx me into my previous yo-yo cycles towards this area. It's been a good while since I've positively invested in my own self, mentally and physically.

And although I'm not saying lets be self centered here, I'm all for selflessness and servanthood, BUT I am suggesting that the more you put yourself last the less you'll have to give. And I'm tired of running on E here.

I know our life is busy. Our schedule and days don't allow much to be added in, but I also know that if we don't prioritize and organize how we are spending our time we'll miss out on opportunities that God has desired us to be in.

What am I crowding my days and time with? How am I making a difference? Why did God give me the passions and abilities that He has given me-more importantly how am I, or am I not, using those in the best way to share His love?

I question myself so much. I fear putting myself out there to fall, to be mocked, to look a fool. The more you put yourself out there-the higher standard you may be held to---and sometimes I don't want a dang standard to adjust to at all nonetheless a high one. That's a silly statement, that's what can keep you in check Uh-Man-Duh. Geez.

But what is my motive and what is my reasoning. How am I clearing my mind and time to listen to Gods directions. I am far from perfect, so how can I turn to trust in God and be willing to let Him use my imperfections.

This is my start. I can only think thus far to pray over my wondering-unsure of what really it would lead to. Knowing our plates are full, but knowing that maybe they need to be rearranged. I'm just not sure on what my what is, but I am sure that God doesn't lead you up to certain things multiple times just for...see, here's where the higher standard would bum me out because what goes perfectly right there, before those three dots, is 'shits and giggles', but uh-should I say that? Well. I just did.

Here's to putting aside the fear of failure, of shining light on imperfections, and of openly giving God the go ahead and activate my trust fall. One.Two.Three...fly or fall, trust God through it all.

Is that a new hashtag, or just the corniest saying ever? Probably the latter...dang it. Can I blame Lysa Terkeurst for the motivation to say that-yet that would go against her steps towards making decisions, one being owning your decision and it was me, not her, after all who chose not to delete the above and act like it never sneaked itself out over my keyboard.

Dream and Go.

'Please dream for those who've given up, for those who've never tried

Please use your dreams to make new dreams for all the dreams that died'

I was introduced to Dallas Clayton's books this past December as my sister gifted a few of them to our boys. The above, and what will be below, is from his book An Awesome Book! His books are creative, cute, and have a big message-somewhat out of reach for Caden's mind, but I do believe impacting even if just currently in a smaller way at this age.

He has one about love, An Awesome Book of Love, I dare you to try and get through reading without the build up of tears.

But, what brought me to want to share and tie in this particular book today was a message regarding hope. It's a part of a Newspring series, this one was about change agents and going over the part in Ruth's story where she stood against the normal and took a step towards positive change.

Throughout this sermon the following points were brought up...

-There is no hope without change, and no change without a change agent...How to be a change agent?
>Sense that normal isn't right. We gage normal by what we know best, basically what we grow up knowing or was a constant in our life growing up, and to make change you must step out of your normal-business as usual-and see where things are wrong
>Step into the difficulty. You can run way, stay a safe distance and offer opinion, OR get into the arena and take action
>Take the first available right step. The first right step may not give you a straight glimpse to the finish line you are working towards--but this also goes back to the message of taking each day as it comes. Take the step that is right and that is now, instead of dwelling and worrying about how it will play out to your ideal future imagery

And, to start to bring a connection...
>Dream things that never were. Optimists are contagious.

'Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not?' George Bernard Shaw

If your marriage, if your relationship with your kids, if your future outlook, if your relationship with God----if it isn't working. If it feels broken. If you can't get it right---then GO.

Take the time to acknowledge the broken normal. Take the step into the arena to fight for better. Take the first right step that comes your way. Take the risk, and DREAM.

'Dream a dream as big as big could ever dream to be. Then dream a dream ten times as big as that one dream you see. And once you've got that dream in mind please dream a million more, and not a million quiet dreams, a million dreams that ROAR'

What would you do if you could pursue your dream? What seems out of reach? What could you fix if you take the time to be a change agent and make a change?

Why did Ruth believe in things she hadn't seen? She was raised in a horrible place, but it was her normal. BUT SHE DID NOT SETTLE. She stepped away and she dreamed big and she acted on it.

Ruth 1:16 '...your God will be my God.' 

Ruth believed in things she hadn't seen, because she chose God. She chose to have a viewpoint as big as He is-and in that there are no boundaries to His capabilities.

If you step out of your normal-if you acknowledge what isn't working and change the culture in which it is broken you will find hope.

Make way for the change. Take the first right step, even if you don't see the finish line within it. Trust in God and His capabilities. Quit limiting Him, and quit limiting what He can do within you.

Let Him fill you to the max in your strength to be the best you for yourself, for your family, for His purpose. If there is something that you've dreamt of, step out of your normal and GO. Get it. Carve out the time for yourself to follow your dreams and let God work through you.

He has bigger plans for you than your normal has made you believe. If only we would all shake loose of our normal, robotic mindset...if only I would listen better to my own words.

Today-how can you start to reform an area of broken normal culture that you are holding onto?

'I'm Dreaming about everything thing that no one thought to wonder...'cause your the one whose dreams can be whatever dreams you want...so when you think your dreaming's done just remember what I said

Close your eyes, my child, and dream that perfect dream inside your head.'

The not-so-golden golden rule

No. I am not writing this as I sit in the car, in our driveway, with our youngest asleep in the back....listen. You do what you have to sometimes. I should've grabbed a piece of sponge candy...

So-focus now. What is the golden rule? Treat others how you want to be treated.

I've already been spewing this out with Caden, almost in second nature, asking him if he would like it if his friend hit him, or threw a toy at him, or yada yada punk kid tendencies. Of course, he answers no. So then I follow saying something along the lines of if we wouldn't like it, and if it's not nice, then we shouldn't do it to others.

And, for the most part, especially at that age, that's a good way to start implementing the golden rule. Or at least the basic concept of the golden rule...because, I'm now aware and a newfound believer in the idea that the golden rule isn't so golden once your grow up.

It's a great learning block to build on, but life gets much more complex than that when we get older and start taking on more serious relationships and responsibilities. Be it with a spouse, children, friends, co-workers, boss, etcetera, etcetera.

But this week, for the first time, I heard someone knock down the golden rule. For the life of me I cannot recall if I heard it via sermon or via KLove, but I heard it and it stuck, happily so.

The golden rule is good. Treat others how you want to be treated. But the issue with that is not everyone wants to be treated as you would.

Unfortunately, I can't just get by with treating Gary how I would want to be treated. I respond to things differently than he does, I expect different reactions and results, and I work through issues-wait for it-differently.

Most of us do, and I think that is where we have our problem. If he is upset or has a difficult situation he's going through and I treat him how I would want to be treated I would-and whoops, often do- try to talk it through, think it over and over and over, hammer it out and fix it the best I can--and that is not how he operates.

We have to think and strive for much deeper than how we want to be treated by imaginatively putting ourselves in the shoes of others. Acknowledging what speaks to them. What they take as positive love and support. What helps them in times of need.

Because what helps us, what speaks love to us, what we like is not always true to others. This point, wherever it really came from, reiterated that if you wake up thinking of what the other person would like instead of what you would like then everyone can benefit from that.

It's not in our nature to stop and think of others thoughts or desires before our own. It's something that we have to, and need to, purposefully make the effort to do sometimes, but it is worth the effort. It is worth it to those you are doing it for and it is worth it to you as well.

When Gary is stressed or overwhelmed, he doesn't need to talk it over and over and over or a fix-it solution. He needs to process it on his own, he needs support and love shown sometimes through space and silence. He doesn't work through things like I do, and that's hard for me to remember and relate to sometimes, but once I can get on the same page as him after I make the effort and support him in ways that best helps him-not me-it makes a huge difference on many levels.

If this is something that can strengthen my marriage, my parenting, my friendships then sign me up. We need all the help we can get sometimes, and this is such a simple switch in thought process, but sometimes just so hard to refocus and realign to.

So keep the golden rule for basics, but reprioritize your thoughts to aim higher than that and treat others how they want to be treated.

This too shall pass

I am so glad that the good outweighs the bad. I know there are many cases in which this is hard to see or agree to, but personally this is true for me.

It will depend on the day you ask me, shocker. Probably even depend at what point in the day you ask me--all together in this stage, for me, it is easier to focus and dwell on the difficult, the tiring, the repetitive.

Yet amongst it all-when God shines light on the good, fueling us for our purpose and reminding us of the bigger picture-man, does he shine bright and I am SO thankful for that.

Whether in my life, or being able to see it through others, it is so refreshing.

God has worked through Caden and my relationship this week for the better. Not saying it wont still fluctuate, because I know it will, but I would be remiss to only share the gloom and not the glory.

We initiated a schedule, and it has been good for us both. It hasn't been a set in stone deal and it still changes day of hence the choice of magnet strips for each piece, but it has helped us thus far, so I'm a fan.

Structure isn't only good for the little ones, it's sometimes what we all need. To hold ourselves accountable. To not just fall on being lazy, or thinking of our own needs and wants. That is, unless you're on the beach with a mai tai, erase all structure and zone out. But, sadly, that is not our current location.

Along with our new agenda, I started to work on the letter A with Caden this week, in attempts to do a letter a week.

At first, I was rolling my eyes thinking this is for the birds. But, as if to prove against my thoughts that instant results are realistic, it took all week for the heavens to open and sing sweet praises and see real connection and progress.

He first fought me on a few things. He got irritated quick to my corrections, or just frustrated in general from who knows what-not me, still lost on some of those. But that was more the first two days.

The third day was better-so much that at our church small group I didn't even have a prayer request to list but a praise that finally we had a good day-maybe I'd even say a great day-after about a week and a half of just on and off battles that had drained me completely.

Only twelve minutes into a Love and Logic dvd, a little added structure, some afternoon structure and giving into the forfeited naps and FOLKS--WE HAVE PROGRESS!!

I would be doing backflips right now if I could. I was one blink away from shedding tears over our letter 'A' activities today. Joy and pride are here in place of what was exhaustion and defeat and THAT is praise worthy-so here I am. Wanting to share the good, and not just the bad.

Wanting to remind anyone, and selfishly myself, that on the good days rejoice it all and on the bad days take a deep breath, gather and regroup and remember-as someone once said to me while I had tired eyes holding a baby Caden-this too shall pass. *amen, amen, amen*

beauty in the breakdown

I'm going to sit here, type it all out, and force myself to hit publish and share. What has been holding me back was the thought and feeling of being in a redundant depressed mode.

It's not true to all days, but in my hindsight seems to have rang true more than ever within this last year. So, I hesitate and I keep it in.

I let the busy schedule allow my mind to get busy and disconnected. I let our children's emotional roller coasters become somewhat mine. I let dissatisfaction settle in again and make itself at home. I let my focus shift and not to the positive.

The last month has been good. I draw a blank to ramble on about it, but it wasn't a bad month by any means. It was constant and has keep us on our toes. Busy can be good-having your life filled with things to do with family and friends. Yet, amongst this recent month I let the full schedule produce a full mind and left little to no room for myself, my husband and boys, and more importantly God.

Just as we are coming up on celebrating Easter-Jesus rising from the dead and all that he did to allow us redemption even when we are least deserving-I am here experiencing that yet again.

Undeserving because I am the one who clouded up my time and mind away from him. Filling it with others needs, my own needs, letting addicting and awesome shows take precedence over time spent to draw close to him.

Yet again, like a broken record, I let myself and this world get in the way and fell off track and man did it catch up with me.

I wouldn't have said weeks ago that I was even doing this--it was more unknowingly. But this last week was when it all came tumbling down.

Reid is getting in teeth and picked up a cold Caden had. Caden has been in an argumentative and hard stage. I caught said cold. I've fought for a loss nap time just in the hopes of getting some peace and quiet-and I'll be honest-some midday sleep myself. The nights have had a constant abruption, the days have been a battle, we had a week off of our normal schedule and it was all a recipe for disaster.

So. Around came Thursday and around came tears. Lots of tears. Lots of cries out to the Lord, even despite feeling no connection and as if He wasn't even hearing me.

I felt abandoned by God as the week felt so difficult. As if He's the one who said he was too busy to hear or save me, when I knew all along I had let that gap and trouble in myself.

Feeling defeat sucks. It makes you question everything, it makes you question yourself, and I flat out despise it. But. There was an ending rainbow.

I'm still too freshly off this week's chaos to say I'd want to go back through it all to gain the end result...I know I do and would want that, but ya'll-I'm just still tired and still sick and still kind of working my way out.

But what fell into place-after I finally got on my knees, in tears and crying out God, I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I need you.-it was only of God. And I was finally taking the time to listen and look for Him to speak and not just waiting for the doorbell that we don't have to ring with his blessing right there at the door, all nicely wrapped with a bow on top.

That's not how it works unfortunately. I hate that it's after a breakdown that you can clearly see the blessing. I hate that I'm here again, typing yet again another struggle and fall. But I am. And I think with the stage of our little ones and just how I am I'll be here yet again-hopefully not only seeing the signs of digression but noticing it enough, remembering the crap part of it enough, to fight against it instead wallow in and through it.

I swear, I'm not always this much of a mess......just half the time...okay. Not half the time...just half of the half.

I finally chose watching a sermon as I worked over a show. Seems like an easy decision and always, always,  has paid off in doing so but I hadn't been. So, Friday was a long work day for me and I played a sermon to start. I picked back up on a series I had been watching through Newspring and it happened to be over worrying.

Half of what I was weighed down with was filled with worry that I was hoarding to myself, not giving to God, and trying to figure out all on my own. Trying to be enough and bear the weight of parenting stresses when, oh Lord, that just doesn't work.

After that I reached out to two gals in particular we've down a study with recently and asked for prayers and support. I heard from one of a coworkers recent similar struggles, which made me not feel as alone or lost and aside from just sweet words of support I also received a picture quote stating:

Thinking of your child as behaving badly disposes you to think of punishment. Thinking of your child as struggling to handle something difficult encourages you to help them through their distress.

Great mind flip and new perspective to help our difficult days and help me change my approach, so I can in turn help him as well.

Then I finally downloaded an audible book that I've been longing to get my hands on but never acting on it called The Best Yes, by Lysa Terkeurst. It's already shown to be a good investment and helped fill me with positive ways to thinking towards your time, and more importantly, towards the time you are or aren't allowing for God.

Sharing this I risk sounding foolish and repetitive, but this is my life. This is a harder stage for me. I need help navigating it. I cannot do this on my own. I know I am not alone. I know I'm not the only mom that feels torn, pulled in many directions, with nothing left to give at the end or even start of the day.

I have yet again relied on myself, and I have yet again see that I cannot do this without God.
FINALLY. Finally I took steps to try to connect back with God. To open my mind to hearing Him, to purposefully seeking him and the way he will use others around us to show his love and support.

I felt like I was crying out but that my cries were falling upon deaf ears. Only because I went into my cries with that mindset. I let Satan flood into my cries with his lies of doubt and I still held tight to my frustration.

You have to be willing to fight. In this world, Satan is out to destroy you. He is out to rob you of happiness, hope and joy. He is out to dwell on your weakness and he will not hesitate.

I allowed myself to break. Allowed myself to admit I was failing, which sucks. But more importantly I allowed myself afterwards to stop and see the beauty in the breakdown.

Park, Zoo, or Harvard?

It's been a month since last posting. Remember, that one time, when I said 'a post a week'...yeah, about that.

I look back and see what I've written and it's like a wake up call to myself. I'm really grateful God spoke through me, and am thinking huh-what the heck, I don't feel any big things that seem good and thought provoking to talk about. So, maybe I'll just attempt to either do a mixture of what's up in our world--or ramble over topics even if they seem more mundane.

Our youngest sweet thang is at that harder stage between one and two where he's wanting to be more independent but unable to in many areas and still pretty needy. He also has a strong personality and already fights back when we tell him 'no'. Even a simple 'no' towards not biting led him to tug at me and my clothes in anger and throw whatever toy was around him. SO. He's just another story and a whole new area of navigating parent wise.

BUT. What has me really re-evaluating our norm is our oldest. I hit up Walmart after we first brought Reid home to gather some entertainment things for Caden and most of them worked well--but that has been over a year now and boy has he changed.

I tried a behavior chart, with rewards for it and it worked well. That helped, and I would encourage it for anyone. I got the idea from this one blog in particular, but did not put as much effort into the looks of it all and have ours taped to our fridge with a magnet as his moving piece.

It would work more if I kept up with it, well, that and maybe if he didn't argue everything even when we're trying to let him move up towards a reward. rolling my eyes.

Now it's been on my mind, and all over my Pinterest, looking for ideas specifically for him entertainment, structure and learning wise. Two simple and easy ones have worked out well thus far. The first, making dinosaurs out of shapes. The second, matching alphabet letters written on circle stickers to ones written on an empty paper towel roll.

Learning and entertainment which he really did like-so these two are keepers! He took the second one as if he was decorating his spy glass...if there's an empty roll in this house then playing pirates is right around the corner matey.

Coming soon-a letter a week, encouraging writing, working on higher numbers. All great, all not necessarily a rush but good to learn, all in his interest, all learning and adding needed structure...BUT most of all, all kind of scaring the shiz out of me.

I mean, just being honest here. It's all simple things and I just need to prep and get it together and start-luckily along some other mom friends in the same boat-but man. Is this really where I'm at? Are we already here? Should I be pre-ordering college supplies while I'm at it?

Okay, simmer down, simmer down.

But for real. This past year was full of adjustments from one kid to two, full time work to part time, budget changes...we had a crazy busy year when it comes to life changes and growing in many areas personally, as a family, and spiritually.

I adjusted to the change of being home with the boys and found different ways to be interactive and entertain them. We had it pretty good. Then winter came, sucked half the entertainment options away, made my toddler transform into a preschooler and my baby into a toddler all overnight, and left me wondering if we really even celebrated the holidays or if I'm still trying to see through the fog that some call cabin fever...which takes on a whole heck of a lot more meaning when the cabin has a fever and small children inside.

Now as the weather is coming back around, I'm cleaning out the winter clothes, and clothes outgrown, and I'm realizing more than just clothing adjustments need to be had as we come into this new season.

It's no longer a simple choice between the park or zoo for the day, but decisions which impacts hold longer than a few hours.

And that's where I'm stuck in the mud. It's just the beginning, I know. As they get older comes more of the above. Worrying if a decision you made for them will play out to their benefit or not. Second guessing, weighing out the options...I may know my child well, but I don't know how he'll act or respond to new situations that aren't what we've been through before.

A whole new world for us to figure out, a whole new chapter to kick off this never ending game of feeling like you've got a good grip on things just for them to change on you. Get all cozy in one stage just in time for you to realize you have to readjust and reinvent.

Oy vey.

Cheers to the challenge...and by that I mean kind of literally...it'd be nice to have something cold to cheers to right now. And curry. I could use some good curry right about now...

Over It

As Caden marches out of the kitchen and into his room where Reid is playing I hear him complain, 'My mom makes me mad.'

1. Reid doesn't care
2. I can hear you
3. Drama king

I limited his snack options to a cheese stick, apple or carrots. So, he hollered 'No! I'm not in the kitchen!' and off he went.

That was maybe five minutes ago, and they've been playing peacefully in his room since. I can hear toys crashing and the mess forming, but I don't hear crying and I don't have a little at my legs with a need so I'm good with it all.

It's funny how this week has played out thus far. I attended an event Sunday, the Fervent tour by Priscilla Shirer, and I think I went into it thinking okay-church and church event in one day, I'm going to be filled and ready to make this week my B.

Errrrr. Jay kay.

The event was good. The week has been good. Nothing to complain about, no kid issues, some extra family time for my dads birthday AND it's only a four day week for me as I head up to KC with my mom, sister and a friend of hers on Friday for the day/night.

So why do I feel so funky? What almost irritates me more than the funk feeling itself is how easy it is to fall into a funk and to dwell in it.

Usually giving the house a good clean makes me feel better, but I haven't made effort to do that, yet.

Usually I realize it's a lack of one on one time in scripture and with God, but I really haven't carved out time for that or plugged in a sermon to fill the gap.

Why do we allow ourselves to sit amongst our rut, look around, take in the crap view and not push ourselves up to climb out?

It's not like we have anything worth wallowing in. I know a handful of stories surrounding us, or friends of ours, that have reason to feel funky.

If anything we have reasons to feel praise and gratitude. Both cars unexpectedly has issues, and costly ones at that, two weeks ago. But that all came pouring down as we got our tax refund, so we didn't have to go into debt for it and that is something to be praised.

We weren't sure what we'd get back in a refund with my job change, but we got more than anticipated, which helped with the car ordeal so that is to be praised.

We had another blessing come up regarding vehicles, so again-praise.

We are a healthy household *knock on wood*-praise. Our jobs are good-praise. Praise here, praise there. No reasons to wallow.

It is my mindset alone that allows me to feel the funk. It is me alone allowing Satan to dwell in my heart and in my head. Maybe just putting this out there will help me take a bigger step towards kicking him out and clearing my mind.

I'm not going to pretend it's all rainbows and sunshine-even if what's going on around us is good and fine, I may still feel otherwise or, well, ungrateful.

But I also won't pretend that it's not me, and try to outsource the attitude problem. I took that route last summer and let me tell you, that was highly unsuccessful and messy.

So, here I am, as I know my time is limited with the two being preoccupied, letting go of my funk.

Pushing that sneaky, manipulative deceiver aside and telling him he's been welcomed for too many days and I am officially now not over it with my days, but over it with his stay. Peace out dude, I know we'll meet again and sooner than I'd like, but I'm moving on for now.

Mean Mommy

It came unexpectedly. There have been much more deserving moments, and maybe that's why it stung a little more.

I wasn't feeling well, we were amidst the balancing act that our evenings sometimes hold, Caden was fighting eating dinner and the last one at the table. It wasn't even amongst the moments of scolding for being ungrateful or warnings of going to bed hungry that happened earlier on. It wasn't in the middle of a dead end toddler argument or in rebuttal of being told no. It was just random.

It was just an empty statement mumbled under his breath as I did dishes. Unknowingly asking what he said and unprepared heard louder four mighty words that just broke me.

You're a mean mommy.

I attempted to push it aside and brush aside a few tears that slipped out, those sneaky little devils, then Gary entered in and placed his hand on my back as I avoided eye contact and then those sneaky little devils didn't sneak, they rolled and roared and I lost it.

I still hid my face away from Caden and gathered myself as I hear 'What makes you cry, mommy?' in a sweet, concerned voice.

Nothing, honey. I'm fine.

Man. There have been so many just moments he could have said that statement and it would have been accurate, at least with his lack of hindsight. But it wasn't. It was random and it sucked.

The sarcastic part in me could have easily said, oh yeah-right, having you not go to bed hungry is being a mean mommy. Sure thing, dude. Just wait-just.you.wait. But not then. I was tired, it was towards the end of the day and it just burnt.

Feeling that made me realize that is exactly what I do in my relationship with God.

Through social media I heard the story of a mom losing her life shortly after having triplets. Leaving behind not only three new littles, but also two other daughters and her husband.

Friends of ours, and acquaintances, have lost babies inside and outside of the womb.

In those moments it's easy for my mind to think, God, you're a mean God. And how unfair of me. How unfair and toddler like is that for me to take one moment and let my understanding outweigh His. Just as Caden's understanding tries to outweigh ours, I am guilty of the same.

Caden doesn't understand that our answering no isn't just for shiz and giggles, or because we can. It varies-safety, health, seeing the bigger picture that he can't. And the battles will just get bigger as he gets older. He think's I'm a mean mom over-I'm assuming since it was out of context-having him eat dinner, then what's he going to think if we disagree with his friend choice or say no to a night out, a car, a girlfriend--who the hey knows.

I don't understand why God allows things to happen that would make Him out to be the bad guy. His 'no' may come in many forms for us. It may be hard, it may bring heartache, it may lead to better things for us and we get to see a great outcome or we may never see the full circle or have closure from it all-but I have to believe His knowledge of why is bigger than mine.

Know that although things may seem unjust and that circumstances waiver our God never does.

You may not see or feel His presence, but are you even looking? Are you choosing to let Satan into your heart and mind and find all the bad, all the hate, all the negative or are you choosing to see the good, the hope, the positive that God has placed amongst the difficult?

Trekking through the desert, standing amid the fire, feeling crushed by the waves--He doesn't promise our lives will be easy but He promises them to be fulfilling, all depending on how you take each day and how you live out your life for Him.

I love my boys. I don't want harm to cross their paths. I don't want to lose them or them to lose us. I want the best for them and more. But I am not the only factor in their lives. They will choose the direction they go and it will be our job to help with guidance if they seek it. We will show them love no matter what.

As that is true for me to my children, as it is from God to His children. Lost, found, wandering, hidden-all.

I may not understand it all. Caden and Reid won't always understand our answers. But sometimes, that's just it and that's where we need to rest and be okay--it isn't for us to understand.

I'm sure I haven't heard those hateful words for the last time, but hopefully, as God has shown me His unconditional love despite my feelings I can in turn show our boys the same.

'We love, because He first loved us.' 1 John 4:19

Search Me

After being challenged by a dangerous prayers Life Church sermon I can officially say I've memorized my first bible verse with intention.

Sure I memorized some as a kid, but only two stick out and are still in my memory bank. I used to always tell myself 'I can do all things through Christ whom strengthens me', but I just had to google it to verify it's origin...Philippians 4:13.

And John 3:16, 'For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life'. If you were raised in the church you most likely know that one. That's as far as my memory verse talents go. Sorry, mom, I know that makes you sigh thinking of all the breakfast devotionals you did with us.

But this new verse is one of strength, one of test, and one that isn't just asking God for help or remembering His promise--this new one is much more than that to me.

'Search me, God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See in my any offensive ways and lead me in the way everlasting.' Psalms 139: 23-24

The sermon goes over four things.

First, search my heart. Asking God to look at you, to search your imperfect heart and see in you where you need Him, and where you haven't been letting Him in.

Second, reveal my fears. Your fear will hold you back from being obedient and what we fear the most reveals where we trust God the least.

Third, uncover my sins. Three questions that help with that are: what are others trying to tell me, what have I rationalized for some time and where am I most defensive? Don't deny the truth, submit to what God shows you; confess to God for forgiveness and confess to people for healing.

Fourth, lead me. Allow God in where you have kept Him out. Let go of control, realize we are more with Him than without Him and know that you need His help, power, grace and freedom.

The pastor encouraged praying this prayer for a week, being consistent and open to how God may respond to your prayer. A personal struggle I have had, and we have had as a couple, has been having faith and trust in our future financially and personally. So, I honestly expected to see God show me ways I could draw Him in more in this area I've been struggling with, that I had been anxious about and not turning to Him for help or guidance.

I prayed this starting Monday afternoon, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Throughout those days nothing drastically stood out so I continued on and wondered how God would use this prayer and my asking to speak to me.

Amongst this week came additional work tasks for Gary, along with him starting another college course and preparing for a big test at the end of March. That all laid some stress upon him, knowing he'd have to bring work and school into our family time and balance it between the time I do my work as well.

I continued with the prayer on Friday, and during that day felt the tug at my heart about wanting to really step it up for him during these next couple of months. Basically, just try to help him have one less thing to worry about during this extra busy time-be it a task with the kids, house, whatever. And I kind of thought-is that it? Is that area, which I honestly struggle with, where God needs me to focus? Meh. Not sure...

Then, Saturday our morning was simple. We had plans to head to the zoo, but had hours to kill before then so I started to give the kids a bath. I quickly stepped out to grab my phone and coffee and saw Gary had set up for work.

Now, bear with me, because my next statement will make me sound selfish and, well, I'll be honest, I think I've always personally struggled with sometimes having a 'what about me?' mantra.

So, my first thought was irritation. We mentioned having to be considerate of the time we both would have to work and planning ahead so we don't step on each others toes, so this set up kind of blindsided me and annoyed me.

But, I went back in and put on a Christian station, looked at the boys playing and it hit me. No exaggeration, a huge wave of peace washed over me and engulfed me. An immense feeling that I need to be okay and go with the flow. When he see's time to set up shop, I need to be the first to stand in support and there is where I need to allow God in to help me.

Because, ashamed to admit it, I will need God's help in this area. It's so easy for me to quickly only see my side of it. I've been with the boys all day-alllll day errrr day. I'm tired. I still have to work. Dinner needs made. YADA FLIPPING YADA. I could find any reason to be irritable about my needs or wants being set aside.

Even now I think, pardon my french, well...damn. This may will be hard.

But I truly feel and believe this is where God needs me and more importantly, this is where I need Him.

I need God to meet me in the middle of my weakness and selfishness. I need God to continue to show me the areas that I rely on myself and fail. I need God's grace, strength and guidance to grow stronger in this area.

I won't master this, I'm sure. I know myself well enough to know that I'm going to need God's help again and again through these areas-but I know my wants and wishes to grow old with this man. To be able to show this quality through our marriage, and through my parenting, and I want to continue to evolve as our years grow. And for me, this is where I need to start to really dig my heals in and dig them in deep.

I encourage you to watch the series I've mentioned. The second one is over asking God to break you and to be honest-that is a 'to be continued one' for me. It scares the crud out of me and I need to pray about what to pray. Because that's not confusing at all....

To put myself aside and to ask God to step in so drastically makes me want to cry, cuddle up with my sweet littles and eat lots of chocolate. It's not an area of comfort, it's not easy, but it's where God has led me so here goes nothing.

Finding Peace Amongst the Quiet

Since the start of our relationship Gary and I have had things to look forward to. First year of dating; engagement with wedding shortly after; a year of new home, new marriage, new jobs; pregnancy of our first son; Caden's birth and journey into new parenthood for a year and a half then pregnancy of our second son; birth and journey into parenthood to two littles and now here we are.

This year has things happening and planned-but as for our personal life, no new happenings. It's a year that's planned around simplicity as we close in on meeting our debt pay off goals. So close, yet not there yet. Being able to see the end in sight, yet having to be still and patient just a bit longer and wait furthermore to see some reward in our persistency.

And it kills me.

I am just at a loss not having something major to look forward to. To be faced with living amongst the mundane.

Caden and Reid make our days anything but mundane, that isn't to describe them. It's the work, raise boys, do your thing, make meals, sneak in adult time, work again, raise the boys some more....set on repeat.

I tell myself, and I know, that all of that is enough. But what do you do when you find yourself feeling stuck or without a long-term, bigger purpose?

I am choosing to take this time and appreciate it's slower pace. As much as it bugs me to not have an event or happening to look forward to, I really think it's what I need. What we need.

Too often have we let the busy fill our schedule. Too often have I counted on an upcoming new thing to give me something to look forward to. Too often have I discredited the now and the present because I simply continue to look ahead.

I feel like God is surrounding me with a quiet year, a quiet plan, in order to show me all that He really has done. For me to stop and see where He has me, and not continue to look past that at where I want to be.

I love where we are at and I need to be content in that and soak it all up. The boys are so young, which makes some of the days harder, but these days will be gone before I know it. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around how quick Caden has grown and matured-before I blink Reid will be there, which means Caden will be even further along in age...and attitude.

If God lined it all up to make me available to be here with them, then I also believes he's lined it all up to have this be a quiet year so that I don't have the option to look past and beyond where He has us.

I am constantly thinking weeks, months, years out and that only leads to missing out on the little moments of the day. Moments He has placed there for a reason. Moments He needs to speak through and needs me to see.

Amongst this simplistic, 'quiet' year, even if I struggle amongst the mundane, I will choose to focus on growth. Growth in my vision and respect of my marriage, my boys, and my relationship with God.

It's not often you are stuck in the simplistic. I would be remiss not simmer in it. So, raise your third cup of coffee (I kid; one cup gives me the shakes), and cheers to finding peace amongst the quiet.

Doubt It

Doubt crept in and ate me whole the last week.

Through thoughts of inadequacy in myself, in our future plans, in my faith. One little thought here or there, and they just harvest on each other growing faster than I can keep up with.

Maybe I fluctuate more than normal, maybe I don't, but I feel like it's hard to keep the mojo good and strong these days. I feel like I'm in a groove of posting 'hey, I'm funky yet again, but don't worry God is cool and has pulled me out of the funk yet again, so check it out'-and maybe that's the case, maybe it's more played up in my mind (feel free to visit overthinking blog to validate that...), but either way, the last week went a lot like this...

It started out small. Doubting myself, and us as a couple, to be capable of leading a small bible study. Gary has lots of knowledge, I have a good amount of passion-he helps me stay grounded and I help encourage him-so surely the two could mix well to lead and help each other make up for areas where we feel we aren't enough on our own...but not sure. So, doubt.

That small personal doubt, religion and self based, planted a seed that grew into doubt in my faith. Do I believe the stuff I'm saying? I struggle and have my own unanswered questions I struggle with, how does that make me adequate to lead others? So, doubt.

That medium doubt runs quick and wild like a college kid to an eighteen to enter bar. It runs, it jumps, it leaps and grabs hold of things in big and small ways. Doubts towards being a good wife, patient mother, capable 'stay at home', yada.yada.yada.

If I could draw a picture of doubt it would be an innocent bunny. Cute, cuddly, and seemingly not harmful until it first takes a nibble at your finger. Then poops all over your house, stinking up your biz. Then, as a bonus 'thank you for letting me in' it bites you in the butt. Regret reading this far? well, too late-better stick with it.

Then, God showed up in MULTIPLE ways. m-u-l-t-i-p-l-e ways, people.

• We powered through the inadequate feelings and the small bible study went great. Better than we could have planned.
• A reminder shared from a friend out of her Jesus Calling study book, 'Instead of letting difficulties draw you into worrying, try to view them as setting the scene for My glorious intervention. Keep your eyes and your mind wide open to all that I am doing in your life.'
• Started up with an app called First 5 and the first was titled 'We Don't Have to Doubt Him'. Um, hello! It continued to be spot on, and still does, as it goes over Exodus and the story of Moses.
• A friend of my sisters sent me an article 'When Satan Steals Your Motherhood', intertwining with the mom doubts I house too often.
• Sermon series at our church about standing strong-the story of Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego
• Watched the last of a series in a Life Church message on 'When God Doesn't Make Sense-When God Doesn't Seem Cooperative' and how when we aren't getting the answers we anticipate, or what we think we need to have or to have happen, that God is showing us what we need is Him. Not the outcome or thing we want, but Him. To rest in His grace alone and find peace in that.

As Moses felt inadequate to deliver the message 'Let my people go' to Pharaoh, we felt inadequate to lead our group.

As Pharaoh hardened his heart towards God, despite the blunt signs he was given, I too had been hardening my heart towards God in opposition all the while sitting amongst many unmistakable sign God had placed in my path to shout I AM HERE, I LOVE YOU, BE OKAY WITH THAT-LET THAT BE ENOUGH!

As I was focusing on what I think I needed, the outcome I thought would fit best, I was ignoring God. I was feeling that I was the one in control, that I knew best and I was doubting in His will, His way, His power.

You can choose to go about each day and see yourself as in control, as the one who has a say in everything, and choose to ignore the bigger purpose you have been given. You can choose to allow doubt in, allow it to harvest in you in multiple ways, and allow it to rule your life and judgment.

Or. You can choose to acknowledge the strength and wisdom that God has and that He shares with us. You can choose to see the many ways He reminds of us that daily-in ways that are not of our own plan or desires.

You can choose to not let the doubt in, not let it harvest, and not let it eat you whole and rob you of finding joy in your days, in your life, and in your purpose.

Stand back doubt, I am working hard to overcome you in more ways than one and will not ignore the signs God has placed throughout my days, how He is working throughout those in my life all to show me His love and to remind me of His grace, His glory and His strength.