New Year, New Me

Jaykay.

I'm not doing that. I think there are benefits to the idea of focusing on one word, one area of improvement and making that your goal for the new year to come. I think it's good to re-evaluate yourself, where you are, where you want to be.

But. I also am in the mood today to say--yeah. whatever. I am who I am. The core things about me are what they are.

If you aren't re-evaluating yourself and your biz throughout the year, then maybe that's what you should review.

A once a year 'do better' checklist just won't cut it for me. I'm too critical, I fluctuate too much, I'm too emotional and in error too often to just think of how I can do better once a year.

Today the sun finally came out this afternoon. I was tired and worn out mentally and physically leading up to naps for the boys. I received an impromptu back rub-after returning from my toddlers room apologizing for getting mad before naps, luckily he's catching on and apologized for slamming the book for no reason and getting mad as well...we're all winning here- and snuck in my own nap after that.

SO. All that ramble to say that with all that combined I thought 'Man. I feel like I could go for a run. What out of reach fitness goal can I set for the new year?'

The above scenario and situation is deceiving to the reality of our day to day. The busy, the to-do, the work hours, keeping the boys alive and well...well enough at least, keeping the house decently clean, yada yada yada...

Why set a goal when I can't always step away to work out, putting the boys in the gym childcare, because in this stage of life it seems like half the time one of them is sick with something. Or the reality that right now stepping away from them to get some solo time most likely means spending time to get work done or with our other commitments.

Rock on if you can do the above. Rock on if there is something that stands out for you, that you want to highlight and focus on during this new year.

For me, I will try to rock on into the new year and work on my contentment.

New Year. Current Me.

I have worked hard to get where I am. God has brought me to this point and I need to be happy with who I am, who He is through me, and where I am. I need to be okay that I'll always be due for attitude and goal adjustments here and there. I'll get in my own time, mentally and physically, but also set aside that mindset and soak up time that we are given to have with the boys, my husband, family and friends.

I will be okay that right now, we are at a busy stage in life. Little ones that need a good amount of attention. That don't like to sleep in. That test my patience and at the same time show me how strong and forgiving love can be.

I will be me. I will strive to love strong, laugh loud, work hard and have some yummy moscato in between.

May this next year bring you lots of good luck and happiness.

 

Cheers to the New Years, friends.

Wrapped up...and not for presents.

In the midst of Christmas Eve service last night I zeroed in on two things: the idea of Mary's response towards the angel telling her she was pregnant with the son of God and the faithfulness of the magi, following the prophets word and history of what they have heard so diligently-seemingly with no doubts.

Did the era and surroundings play a large part in the willingness of people to have such strong faith? Probably in some situations, but I could imagine some people I know of having that level of commitment and loyalty this day and age as well.

What about the presence of angels? Was that helpful to have a more definite sign and message from God? Now, we have the holy spirit and sometimes-as the heart can be so misleading-it's a battle to figure out what is what. But it also mentions sometimes angles appearing in dreams-was it unmistakable? Was their presence so strong that you couldn't mistake it for the mind games and oddness that sometimes dreams bring-as the holy spirit can be?

How is it that just by hearing of the past, just by hearing of the stories passed down from generation to generation that they could grow so strong in their faith?

It amazes me and challenges me all in one. Although they were in a different time and surrounding, they chose to have faith and not doubt. Well, maybe they had moments of doubt-but they chose to preserver through despite any lingering questions or misunderstandings.

There are many thoughts, ideas, questions that I have and will continue to have. So much that is beyond me in concept and beyond me in knowledge. The way I would map out plans, the way I would execute them are not the way that God does or will do.

And that is where I struggle. In the unknown. A recent sermon I listened to pointed out that even if I have a good idea of where He is leading me, I don't know the steps He'll lead me through to get there and I don't know when His plan may take a left when I thought it would take a right.

That is where, like Mary and the magi, I believe to stand in my choice. To not look around the room, at my family, at my job, in my friends, in my life and see where God can fit and work through it all---but instead to look at God first, and see how He will move amongst what He has surrounded me with and what He will do with it all.

Not fit Him into my life, but seek Him first. Let His plans and His will be mine. Have the amazing faith and commitment as Mary did, as the magi did. Follow what has been taught, what has been written, what God has given as directions and quit letting the questions that are bigger than me run over His glory-run over the reality that choosing to believe in God means choosing to believe in Him throughout all the good, the bad, the times or things I can't grasp in understanding-through it all.

All my faith. All my trust. To treat Him, and look at Him as He should be. Not as a God who is there to serve me, my family, my life--but as a God who deserves respect, love and for me to serve Him through my trust, actions and words.

This Christmas is simple and sweet. I feel like I am able to slow down, look around, and see things in slow motion. Not rush through it all. Not play into or play up the gifts and hoopla of the season, able to see the fun in traditions yet try and focus on my beliefs and convictions that without God I wouldn't be here, nor would all those I love, and that we are here for a bigger purpose than ourselves.

Instead of getting wrapped up in my plans, my agenda, I need to try and remember to be open and willing to where God wants to take and use me individually, us in our marriage and as parents, my family, our jobs---every dang thing.

Hard to remember, easy to forget, but worth the fight.

My goodness, if Mary can do it--virgin to pregnant, mother to God's son, be a witness to his ending--MY GOODNESS, people, if Mary can do it why can't we?

Choose Extravagant

Is it always just so easy to feel and see subpar?

Instead of rolling back over, hoping that against the odds the boys sleep in, I got up and did a daily study and read two chapters in the book of Mark. Thinking okay, Amanda, you've felt worn out and discouraged too much lately. Normally, it always leads back to disconnection spiritually and yet again trying to pull from my family, friends or other surroundings to fill me up with joy, love, and satisfaction.

Yet-I think I could read and do a study until I'm blue in the face, but until I mentally step out of myself it won't do any good.

We recently watched a Newspring message featuring Jared Estes telling his story and sharing motivation towards firing back when you're feeling knocked down. His story is one of mental and physical suffering, pain and grief. A personal loss and that of his past self. He said a few times how you have to step out of yourself to see the bigger picture. That you can't always just 'dig deep within to find your strength' because the reality of your situation is you aren't the one holding the strength to carry on for the better.

It has taken me a few days, and a few other instances, to see the different ways his message can relate on all levels. Initially I thought, that's awesome-that's great--need to store that away in case something bad happens and draw from that.

But now, I am closer to thinking that nothing 'bad' has to happen to need to draw from that--to have the need to step outside of yourself to regain focus.

It should be a daily check and balance. Making it a point to step outside yourself and quit looking just within, that's when you can clear your head and see that you were limiting yourself to only your view. Only seeing what is in front of you, and not the greatness that is surrounding you.

Let's say you were standing in the middle of a field, looking at a pile of dump. Not a pretty sight. It stinks, it's ugly, and no one wants to be around it. BUT. Look up. Look around you.

Look at the beautiful hills and landscape to your west. Those are your home, job, car, couch, bed, food on the table-those are things that you take for granted because they are, hopefully, always present and constant.

Look at the field of flowers all around you. Those are the people surrounding you. Flowers of all different kinds, and luckily for you some of your favorites close by.

Look at the horses next to you. They are your family and friends. They are your loyal, loved ones.

Here is where you choose to see yourself and surroundings as subpar or as extravagant.

Look at the hills and choose to see them as mediocre, insufficient-they're hills, not mountains after all-or choose to see them as protecting and purposeful.

Look at the flowers and choose to focus on the ones that are wilting and have thorns, or choose to find the beauty in each one, showing grace to all whether they are close by or far way, despite your favorites, despite their differences.

Look at the horses. Look past the dump they can produce, and see their strength and beauty.

After all, if your family and friends are the horses, then so are you. So, as they can produce the dump, as can you. It may be your dump your stuck looking at-or another's-but it's only up to you whether you continue looking down at the stink or decide to look around you and choose to focus on the beauty of your surroundings.

Choose to step outside yourself, to regain focus, and to quit letting your vision be clouded by subpar and choose to see extravagantly.

PS. You're welcome for the multiple dump references. Hope that made your day.

Overthinking

It's almost like a movie reel lives in my mind sometimes.

I can't help but lay there, attempting to fall asleep, yet instead falling into the replay of the actions and conversations that have taken place throughout the day. As if I have any control or power to change what has already happened. I think it's common for women-always having our minds going-but doesn't mean that needs to be our excuse.

I find guilt in my overthinking. Not in choosing to allow the replays, there are flaws and wisdom to that, but in my past responses. Guilt in my lack of patience with Caden when he's overly repetitive in asking something when he's already gotten a 'no' answer. Guilt in feeling the need to tune out my boys and disconnect, instead of changing my mindset and be more present and on their level. Guilt over being too blunt or too honest in my words, not holding my tongue. Guilt in putting Gary last, feeling like I have no more to give at the end of the day. Shoot, if I'm really replaying stuff then major guilt creeps in from past actions, words, stupidity.

Thinking-over. Evaluating how you act, the words you speak, and making sure they align with how God desires us to act, show love, and show grace isn't a bad thing. You have to live and learn. We have to keep ourselves in check. Work to keep ourselves connected with God to draw from Him the guidance and strength we need to not act a fool like we normally would.

BUT. Over-thinking.

To go beyond the learning from your error and to harp on your actions, reactions, speech--that is another string in Satan's elaborate web that is there to trip you.

To stress what has been done. To not give that worry or regret to God. To aim at having the final say. It is a repetitive situation that I lay there with. Did I do that right? Did I say that wrong? I beat myself up over things that don't deserve a second thought, and in the situation of error I'm just not letting go and moving on.

Continuing to overthink means I will be like those who wandered in the wilderness for so many years, lost and stuck. Just set on repeat and not trying to find a way out. Instead, I want to try to step out of my merry-go-round habit. To realize it's out of my control. Grow from what I learn, change for the better, then move the heck on and recognize that God is in control.

I constantly have to check and recheck myself, making sure that although I know God is in control, and say often that God is in control, am I physically and mentally SHOWING what I preach?

In my speech. In my actions. In my reactions.

Find ways to SHOW that God is in control. When I feel wrapped up in overthinking, I will practice prayer. To draw my strength from God and to rely on Him, not me. That new habit, on repeat, will then become like second nature to turn to Him in those moments.

Find ways to SHOW that He is in control when it comes to speech. I am too quick to say what is the obvious, because 'it's the truth', yet just because it's the truth to me doesn't mean it is to everyone or to God. Choose to SHOW that God is in control by choosing to pass over any speech or words that don't bring glory to Him.

That sounds intense, and I for one love the shirt that says 'I love Jesus, but I cuss a little'. It cracks me up. But then aren't we just conforming to the normalities of this world and making that our excuse to not live to show Him in our speech as well as our actions?

'And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.' Romans 8:28

That verse doesn't say that we'll understand all the things God allows to happen. That all the things will be fun and easy. But with this verse you choose to know that God is in control despite how good or bad your current situation may be. That overthinking the present or the past will only produce self independence leading you away from trusting in God, and in the long run, it will just wear you down.

Choose to show  that God is in control over your speech, actions, and reactions.

I want to SHOW it for my boys. I want to SHOW it for my husband. I want to SHOW it for myself.

Extremes

Extreme overthinking. Extreme criticism. Extreme hatred. Extreme judgement.

Extremist of one race hating those of another. Political extremist.

Extreme Christian. Extreme Atheist. Extreme Islam.

Extremely great days. Extremely positive outlooks. Extremely good luck.

Extremely rich. Extremely humble.

Extremely depressed. Extremely self-centered. Extremely poor.

How is it that we can easily zone in on one extreme situation, person, religion, political stance and make that the blanket example and base for an entire subject group?

Be it as basic as extremes being present in the subject of our days, our emotions, our outlook or more in depth as religion, politics, world situations would have.

We are naïve to not look at the bigger picture. To segregate one instance and make it the narrative for the rest.

Recently I've gone from the extreme of feeling put together and positive to the opposite extreme of feeling discouraged, tired and lost. It is far too easy to go from one extreme to the next.

Extremes are everywhere. It is how we define people, situations, actions, reactions to the furthest degree, with intensity and utmost point. To base our thoughts off of someone or something that is living through one extreme-be it mentally, physically, spiritually-is to think inside the box and not take all other factors into account.

In general, the phrase bolded below and ideas to it are where I will end. But, I would like to say that living in an extreme is, in my opinion, a dangerous and tricky place. Be convicted in what you believe. Stand strong in it. But don't take it to the furthest point that you lose track of what your faith is in, don't let the world tempt you to go to the extreme of loosing your focus.

Extreme depression isn't healthy, but to be okay with temporary sadness is.
Extreme pride will only lead you to the edge of your pedestal waiting for the moment it falls out from beneath you.
Extreme religion has proven to drive people away, to kill and persecute others that stand against it, to show hatred, not love and grace.
Extreme overthinking will plant seeds of doubt in you, and the longer you water it the more they will grow.

When it comes to situations of extremes, there is always some sort of person or people involved. So, to the phrase bolded below...

Love the sinner, hate the sin.

Some people say that statement is hypocritical. That you are still judging and thus not truly loving the sinner. I almost think if we took the word 'sin' out of the phrase that those with their guards up towards more extreme Chrisitans wouldn't find it as hypocritical. Let's take out hate, too-it's too intense, but a synonym of it, dislike, seems less harsh.

Love the decision maker, dislike the decision.

That's not judgment. That is unconditional love. That despite the actions someone takes, despite not agreeing with them, you still show them love them.

When people or situations go the extreme, it's okay to disagree. It's okay to draw from the motto of love the sinner, not the sin. It's okay to stand in your beliefs, your faith, your ideas-but if it is out of hate and judgment keep it to yourself.

My point being--each situation to it's own. Arguments and debates rise to extreme too easily, clouding our vision. Life is not just white versus black. Christian versus atheist. Rich versus poor.

Regain focus. Remember to look beyond the extremes that are out there, that are in your daily life, that you personally may be stuck in. If a sign says 'extremely delicious ice-cream', get in line, otherwise go with caution and take off your blinders.

ONE

The last year has come and gone so fast and now, Mr. Reid, you are ONE! How in the world we got here, I just don't know. What's a one year old stinker up to...

You have a more serious nature, but man when you let that smile out it melts my heart!

-You are busy, busy, busy! Always on the go, always getting into things, putting everything into your mouth, always trying to mooch off our food, you are a nonstop little guy.
-You have two teeth, and two of four more on top that are starting to pop through. We can see about four that are trying to work their way out, but as of yet only two that have just started breaking through. Which, all in all, you have done pretty well with teething. It's given you yet another cold/runny nose and that's lingered for a week and a half, but it's gotten better at least.
-You aren't walking and don't seem too interested in it. You'll walk with our hands, but still try to walk faster than your feet will go and you don't try to take any steps solo yet. You are a fast crawler and will climb on things when you can.
-You sleep pretty well, but are a really light sleeper so too much noise out of the norm will wake you. You're still hanging on to that 4-6 wake up time and bottle. We're going to try to just cut off majority of bottles. Yesterday you only had one for an afternoon nap, then went to bed without one and only stirred and whined for a bit about it, had one this morning after not settling back on your own, but none the rest of the day. Thus the transitioning out of them, and prayers you'll just ease into dropping that 4-6 bottle dependency. We'll see...
-You are 'talking' more and more. Just as of recent, we've noticed more jabbering from you and it's the cutest. The best is when you give a funny jabber after Caden has said something silly, almost as if you say 'yeah, yeah yeah, whatever' in response. Always makes us laugh.
-You love to eat and will eat almost anything. We all try to eat dinner together, and you usually always eat well sitting next to me and mooching off my plate. I just have to make sure I keep up with you, you're a fast eater!
-You've taken pretty well to milk out of your sippy cup, but like it to be set out a bit and not right out of the fridge. If it's too cold, you'll just spew it right out and that's just not cool.
-You can be dramatic, feisty, and have a tendency to be more whiny when I'm around and always at my legs pulling up on me to get attention. It's tiring sometimes, but it's good and I know I'll miss that from you some day.

You, your ornery look, and your beloved wubby. It helps you keep track of the paci in your crib, so we're all a fan.

Reiders, you are the best. You are a wonderful brother and son. We couldn't have asked for a better little brother to have in our family and we are so eager to see your personality grow as you do. You are fun, adorable, lovable and we love you SO much. Thank you for an amazing first year. Your dad and I couldn't be prouder to be your parents and we are so blessed to have you.

We love you, buddy! Happy First Birthday, Reid!!

xoxo