Feeding Off Yourself

What. Did you think this was a Walking Dead post? Come on. We all know that that's a sore spot having to wait until September to find out if the speculations towards poor Glenn are true or not...I'm not even going to get into that. I just can't. So. Focus.

Unexplained negative emotions are a tall tell sign towards knowing when your center focus is out of whack. When one thing doesn't go as planned, but is the last trigger that you needed to start the waterworks or pity party.

You know-when your little emotional bottle is full, and the caps on but one turn away from popping off and then something happens that sends it flying-letting the entire bottle geyser up and out. And man, you've been keeping it all in and good for so long but then that disappointment hits and all that hard work doesn't even matter.

After a recent setback, over nothing important even, I found myself having to tell Gary that I needed a minute to regroup. I stepped away into our room, sat my back against the door that won't stay shut well and, luckily, controlled the geyser but let a few tears slip out.

Instantly I was frustrated at why. Why did I let something that had no significant importance rock me to my core enough to have to step away and gather myself back together?

 

Because my hope, my center focus was off. I was putting more on this thing than I had realized. I was letting my self worth ride on the shoulders of this event and I didn't even realize it until I got upset.

 

And how often we do that. Too often we make things bigger than they should be, more important than they are, and let them take precedence over our hearts and minds more than God.

 

I would have proved to myself that I had the ability and strength that I had doubted was in me. I would be able to share the accomplishment with pride.

 

In other words, I would have fed myself with myself and oh how unreliable and insufficient is that source.

 

Something so unimportant unknowingly raced to the top of my attention and stole my center focus.

 

It's so easy and happens so quick. Even good, positive things can easily fall into that negative category taking too much of your attention and taking priority over God. What I tripped on wasn't anything of a negative source, but it still had too much of me in it.

 

As I sat there with my back against the door with the rush of emotions I had to stop and cry out to God confiding in Him that I didn't know why something of this little significance is causing that much disappointment. And then I felt a rush of recognition that I was relying in that specific thing to bring me confidence and joy, and I was putting that above and before God.

 

'When the glories of creation are preferred to the glory of God' John Piper in his devotional on Living in the Light-Money, Sex & Power

 

Here, in this instance I felt like unbeknownst to me I had slipped into darkness with power. Letting the importance of power from other accomplishments trump God.

 

With kids or no kids, spouse or no spouse, rich or poor....this area of struggle is real and it is strong. Don't let Satan steal the joy in things and turn them against you. Stop and realize what has a hold of your heart, your mind, your focus more than it should-more than God-and realign yourself.

 

If you can't put God first and above it, if you can't change the way you approach that relationship or activity towards the positive then get ride of it.

 

Nothing is worth living or wallowing in the dark for. Nothing is worth bringing you down and rocking you to the core. If you put anything or anyone higher than God you will be unstable, you will fall and you will feel the negatives of it.

 

'In darkness we fondle the smooth ebony brooch hanging around our neck--not knowing that in the light we would see it is a cockroach.' John Piper, Living in the Light-Money, Sex & Power

 

I did such, and in a simple, seemingly harmless manner. And I know I will error again and continue to learn and relearn the same lesson in different ways unfortunately--but for now, I'm stronger for being on this side of it and I hope that for someone this speaks to you and helps you in the same.

What my what is

Two things-well, I guess three, have popped up and pushed me to surface of wondering what my what is. What could I be focusing on more, what's my next step as Amanda. Not as a wife or a mom, although I'm sure both titles are bound to intertwine with the independent, but as Amanda. What does God have me here for and how can I not miss out on it.

I know I need to focus on the roles I have been given as a wife and mom and not let those lack attention, but this tug is coming from somewhere...so what to do.

The three happenings: One already spoken of in my last writing about being a change agent, a recent comedic sermon by the funny Michael Jr., and chapter seven in the book The Best Yes.

Change agent. Being willing to step away and out of the normal, dreaming big.

Comedic sermon. You may know what to do, but what gives it power is knowing why you do it and even more strength comes from who you do it for.

Chapter seven. 'You will steer towards where you stare.' Where is your focus-is it stuck on fear and therefor holding you back or are you letting go and trusting in God.

Triple C action. The first I spent time typing about in the last blog, so feel free to recap there. The second I watched today as I pumped iron--a new gig I've been into and man, it's pretty legit. I'm not legit in in, but the mind break/child break and body feel good has been pretty dang sweet...I'm liking it. And I was able to listen to chapter seven today as well.

So, when you feel like things occur more than once, directing you to the same topic and all get you thinking towards the same question--maybe it's about time to open a new can of worms? Except not worms. Those are gross and slimy. A new can of oreos nom nom nom...but, my iron pumping self should probably say chocolate peanut butter protein bars...they have cans of those somewhere, right!?

Focus, ya'll.

For real, though. It's come to my attention that I just feel like I'm not doing enough personally. Finally initiating carving out time for myself at the gym has felt good. Please, Lord, don't let this now talking about it jinx me into my previous yo-yo cycles towards this area. It's been a good while since I've positively invested in my own self, mentally and physically.

And although I'm not saying lets be self centered here, I'm all for selflessness and servanthood, BUT I am suggesting that the more you put yourself last the less you'll have to give. And I'm tired of running on E here.

I know our life is busy. Our schedule and days don't allow much to be added in, but I also know that if we don't prioritize and organize how we are spending our time we'll miss out on opportunities that God has desired us to be in.

What am I crowding my days and time with? How am I making a difference? Why did God give me the passions and abilities that He has given me-more importantly how am I, or am I not, using those in the best way to share His love?

I question myself so much. I fear putting myself out there to fall, to be mocked, to look a fool. The more you put yourself out there-the higher standard you may be held to---and sometimes I don't want a dang standard to adjust to at all nonetheless a high one. That's a silly statement, that's what can keep you in check Uh-Man-Duh. Geez.

But what is my motive and what is my reasoning. How am I clearing my mind and time to listen to Gods directions. I am far from perfect, so how can I turn to trust in God and be willing to let Him use my imperfections.

This is my start. I can only think thus far to pray over my wondering-unsure of what really it would lead to. Knowing our plates are full, but knowing that maybe they need to be rearranged. I'm just not sure on what my what is, but I am sure that God doesn't lead you up to certain things multiple times just for...see, here's where the higher standard would bum me out because what goes perfectly right there, before those three dots, is 'shits and giggles', but uh-should I say that? Well. I just did.

Here's to putting aside the fear of failure, of shining light on imperfections, and of openly giving God the go ahead and activate my trust fall. One.Two.Three...fly or fall, trust God through it all.

Is that a new hashtag, or just the corniest saying ever? Probably the latter...dang it. Can I blame Lysa Terkeurst for the motivation to say that-yet that would go against her steps towards making decisions, one being owning your decision and it was me, not her, after all who chose not to delete the above and act like it never sneaked itself out over my keyboard.