beauty in the breakdown

I'm going to sit here, type it all out, and force myself to hit publish and share. What has been holding me back was the thought and feeling of being in a redundant depressed mode.

It's not true to all days, but in my hindsight seems to have rang true more than ever within this last year. So, I hesitate and I keep it in.

I let the busy schedule allow my mind to get busy and disconnected. I let our children's emotional roller coasters become somewhat mine. I let dissatisfaction settle in again and make itself at home. I let my focus shift and not to the positive.

The last month has been good. I draw a blank to ramble on about it, but it wasn't a bad month by any means. It was constant and has keep us on our toes. Busy can be good-having your life filled with things to do with family and friends. Yet, amongst this recent month I let the full schedule produce a full mind and left little to no room for myself, my husband and boys, and more importantly God.

Just as we are coming up on celebrating Easter-Jesus rising from the dead and all that he did to allow us redemption even when we are least deserving-I am here experiencing that yet again.

Undeserving because I am the one who clouded up my time and mind away from him. Filling it with others needs, my own needs, letting addicting and awesome shows take precedence over time spent to draw close to him.

Yet again, like a broken record, I let myself and this world get in the way and fell off track and man did it catch up with me.

I wouldn't have said weeks ago that I was even doing this--it was more unknowingly. But this last week was when it all came tumbling down.

Reid is getting in teeth and picked up a cold Caden had. Caden has been in an argumentative and hard stage. I caught said cold. I've fought for a loss nap time just in the hopes of getting some peace and quiet-and I'll be honest-some midday sleep myself. The nights have had a constant abruption, the days have been a battle, we had a week off of our normal schedule and it was all a recipe for disaster.

So. Around came Thursday and around came tears. Lots of tears. Lots of cries out to the Lord, even despite feeling no connection and as if He wasn't even hearing me.

I felt abandoned by God as the week felt so difficult. As if He's the one who said he was too busy to hear or save me, when I knew all along I had let that gap and trouble in myself.

Feeling defeat sucks. It makes you question everything, it makes you question yourself, and I flat out despise it. But. There was an ending rainbow.

I'm still too freshly off this week's chaos to say I'd want to go back through it all to gain the end result...I know I do and would want that, but ya'll-I'm just still tired and still sick and still kind of working my way out.

But what fell into place-after I finally got on my knees, in tears and crying out God, I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I need you.-it was only of God. And I was finally taking the time to listen and look for Him to speak and not just waiting for the doorbell that we don't have to ring with his blessing right there at the door, all nicely wrapped with a bow on top.

That's not how it works unfortunately. I hate that it's after a breakdown that you can clearly see the blessing. I hate that I'm here again, typing yet again another struggle and fall. But I am. And I think with the stage of our little ones and just how I am I'll be here yet again-hopefully not only seeing the signs of digression but noticing it enough, remembering the crap part of it enough, to fight against it instead wallow in and through it.

I swear, I'm not always this much of a mess......just half the time...okay. Not half the time...just half of the half.

I finally chose watching a sermon as I worked over a show. Seems like an easy decision and always, always,  has paid off in doing so but I hadn't been. So, Friday was a long work day for me and I played a sermon to start. I picked back up on a series I had been watching through Newspring and it happened to be over worrying.

Half of what I was weighed down with was filled with worry that I was hoarding to myself, not giving to God, and trying to figure out all on my own. Trying to be enough and bear the weight of parenting stresses when, oh Lord, that just doesn't work.

After that I reached out to two gals in particular we've down a study with recently and asked for prayers and support. I heard from one of a coworkers recent similar struggles, which made me not feel as alone or lost and aside from just sweet words of support I also received a picture quote stating:

Thinking of your child as behaving badly disposes you to think of punishment. Thinking of your child as struggling to handle something difficult encourages you to help them through their distress.

Great mind flip and new perspective to help our difficult days and help me change my approach, so I can in turn help him as well.

Then I finally downloaded an audible book that I've been longing to get my hands on but never acting on it called The Best Yes, by Lysa Terkeurst. It's already shown to be a good investment and helped fill me with positive ways to thinking towards your time, and more importantly, towards the time you are or aren't allowing for God.

Sharing this I risk sounding foolish and repetitive, but this is my life. This is a harder stage for me. I need help navigating it. I cannot do this on my own. I know I am not alone. I know I'm not the only mom that feels torn, pulled in many directions, with nothing left to give at the end or even start of the day.

I have yet again relied on myself, and I have yet again see that I cannot do this without God.
FINALLY. Finally I took steps to try to connect back with God. To open my mind to hearing Him, to purposefully seeking him and the way he will use others around us to show his love and support.

I felt like I was crying out but that my cries were falling upon deaf ears. Only because I went into my cries with that mindset. I let Satan flood into my cries with his lies of doubt and I still held tight to my frustration.

You have to be willing to fight. In this world, Satan is out to destroy you. He is out to rob you of happiness, hope and joy. He is out to dwell on your weakness and he will not hesitate.

I allowed myself to break. Allowed myself to admit I was failing, which sucks. But more importantly I allowed myself afterwards to stop and see the beauty in the breakdown.